January 26, 2014
Hello everyone, I just want to let you know about myself, and so you all know I understand & can relate to everyone’s going through.
I am 29 years old and I have been suffering all my life, you can say I was born into a depressive situation. My mom said when I was born I came out ready, ready to go home, nothing wrong with me. Now this story gets hard to bare right at the beginning… I remember being a little girl, want to say maybe age 3 I know I was standing on my own. In the doorway of a hospital room, looking at my mom lying there, I didn’t know why but later would find out. Then after starting school, in the first grade I started my cycle. Yes my period started, I didn’t know, but had to grow up a bit at that moment. I would just tell my teacher my stomach hurts, she call my mom & I go home. Heating pad on me with my mother by my side. See pain has been with me all my life. I thought I would get used to it but even today my periods are much to handle. Along with growing up, many things stressed me out, my older brother picking at me, to my parents, but the hardest to handle was my mom having major depression. As a child I knew my father was cheating and was in the mix of it all, father drunk a lot as well, I remember as my mom yelled for my dad to come out from the other woman’s house, he walked right pass me as I cried my eyes out, it was like he didn’t even see me. That part is much deeper and more too it than that but it is where a lot of my trauma came from. Then came the day I went into my mothers room to find her lying there unresponsive, I didn’t know what was wrong, she wouldn’t wake up and couldn’t talk. I cried as I saw my mom getting put into the ambulance. My mom overdosed on her meds trying to commit suicide. That was tough for me to get over Well maybe I haven’t I’m still in tears now as I write, it’s still hard to think about because I didn’t understand why my mom would leave me. But the older I got the more I understood it wasn’t about me. As a young teen I was diagnosed with having anxiety, then I was later diagnosed with having depression. I never wanted to claim those things, I thought I would grow out of it. I didn’t believe something was wrong with me until at age 17 I had been working my very first job, graduated early and was waiting around for my gradation to walk across the stage. Anyways I was working my butt off for only $6 oh I soon got a raise of .25cents. I was so tired and one day I just couldn’t get up out of bed, I was so down and out of it. I really could not force myself to get up. I wanted to be in my dark room sleeping or just lying there for however long. My boss called me and said “this is not how you do this, you can’t just quit, not call. You will never get job again.” I would apply for jobs not because I wanted to because my mom told me too and I would always get hired on the spot at the interviews, they would see my amazing smile and hire me. I quit almost every job I’ve ever had, because of stress and Depression was kicking my butt. I was never working for me, I was working because my mom told me, and my money went to bills (not my bills) but I was still living at home so guess they were my bills also. With my mom going through all she went through I thought she would understand, but she was to worried about me being like her and not having a “successful” life. She was trying to better me but she was harming me because “tough love” just wasn’t the way for me, it made me even more depressed. It didn’t push me to want to do better, it pushed me to want to give up. Never give a depressed person the choice to live or die. That’s what it felt like I had to learn to choose to live. (I couldn’t) trying a few meds here and there but I didn’t like how they made me feel, and I tried to overdose once but I failed, it only made me really jittery & my eyes were open very big & my mom asked what was wrong. I never enjoyed taking any form of medicine as a child and still now as an adult sometimes. I get tried of taking it, that’s why I choose not to be on meds , that and the suicide part. now I don’t mind when it’s a life or death situation I will take any and everything to save my life. Which leads me to the turning event that could’ve killed me. These dark spots popped up out of nowhere on the inside of my hands on the bottom of my feet & can’t remember if there was anywhere else, but I thought it was just my sensitive skin I used something I shouldn’t. One night I was freezing cold to the point my teeth began chattering & I was sitting right under the vent with the heat blowing directly on me. I got a fever of like 104 I never get fevers so I knew this was serious. Come to find out I had got a STD and was lucky to have gotten any side effects, even luckier I had come to the doctor when I did. It would have like ate away at my insides until I was nothing, killed me from the inside out. I had to get six shots to cure me. I didn’t understand why God saved me, I wanted to die. Why am I here, I didn’t know, I had no purpose. Along with stress at home & work I was barely making it. Tried to go to school, dropped out I still owe those students loans. My life was just going down and around,. I never go out to clubs but this girl who I worked with invited me out. I went and never made it there well I made it I was trying to find a park, I ended up in a car accident. I got in the left turning lane, light was green No cars coming, I turned and within seconds I was hit. The car was hugged right up into the curb. The impact was so bad I felt it in my fingers, I felt this tingling feeling in my finger tips. Now take note I had just recently slipped & fell at work directly on my back. So now this, that’s when I really felt pain but still that was nothing. In year 2008 I experienced pain like I had never before. It felt like someone put a lighting bolt through the top of my head, right down the middle of me. I could not move as tears poured from my eyes, my own body was cramped up and I could do nothing but wait for it to go away. It hurt to move, then my body became weak, I could barely walk and hold myself up. I had no health insurance so the doctor did nothing, asked me had I been out in the sun lately, I said yes walking. He told me it sounded like heat cramps for me to drink sports drink for electrolytes. And i was hooked up to an IV to get some liquids in me. I later found out in December the doctor listened to all the things I was dealing with because there were much more. She printed out what she believed I had. Gave it to me and of course I had no idea how to say it and never heard of it. It had a list of some symptoms and I was checking off the list, I had about everyone. December 2008 fibromyalgia became apart of my life. I started to recall all the things that happened before I found out, like the first time smells bothered me to the point I really noticed it. My husband (wasn’t at the time) wanted me to fix these honey BBQ wings and the smell of them made me gag I could not prepare them makes me sick right now just thinking about the smell. So now here in 2014 I turn 30 this year and I can’t believe I’m still here. So my experience has taught me that I could’ve died but I’m still here, if my body has to feel some pain so be it, it’s better than not getting to find out why God has me here.
Thank you all for taking the time and reading, sorry it was so long but wanted to let everyone know I understand. We all have our own struggles and deal with them the best we can. Living is to suffer, it’s how you handle the suffering that determines how happy you will be in your life.
-Kerra Melissa Pridgen
For the record my mom is still here with me, it has been a long journey but she is has her depression under control. But without her medicine she wouldn’t be good. She feels that what I deal with is her fault and I reassured her that it’s not. This is my life not hers, it was out of her control. We still bump heads about me taking meds myself and talking with a therapist but I been there done that and it’s not for me. I explained to her I have to work on myself mentally before any drug can help me. And as long as I’m strong enough to fight what I’m feeling on my own I will. I have to do this my way cause it’s my journey. And I’m proud of myself I’m doing dam good to still be here & be able to change my state of mind. Everyday it’s a struggle but it’s becoming easier for my negative to become a positive in my mind, which makes my days a little less stressful. I smile when I’m alone more now instead of crying & frowning. The most important thing I asked my mom does her medicine make her happy? She said no, I said exactly, you still have to find your own happiness, have to tell yourself to be happy. No meds can do that, I mentally you are unhappy, that’s what you’re going to be.