February 11, 2014
Put It On Me
I always think differently than most about things, but when it comes to my “condition” I gave it a lot of thought. I’ve spent years of my life trying to figure out who I am as a person, “Is this really me?” The person with the anxiety, with the depression, is that me? That had been with me much of my whole childhood, teen years & early twenties. How could it not be me, there were times I felt I could me and do more, “if only I could”
Then the name fibromyalgia came into my life, and not really changed my life, because I already dealt with a lot of the symptoms throughout my life. But all I knew about was depression and anxiety.
The one thing that was really new to me was the whole body pain. The first time my body went into shock, a massive cramp over(throughout) my entire body and I couldn’t move, it hurt so bad. All I could do is lie there and wait, with tears falling from my eyes, I had no clue what was happening and why. Then having this crazy name for what I was going through, it was like wow this is my life. No cute and I have this ALL THIS, the rest of my life. I couldn’t believe, I had already spent my whole life up to that point dealing with painful periods, being depressed and afraid to do certain things (panic attacks) Now more pain.
Recently I started to think about all the choices I had made, what my focus had been on all my life, how I didn’t really love or. Are about myself. Wanted to end me, wanted something to happen and always turned out alright. No matter what, I was saved. Why? I always looked at these things as a burden, but was this just me? How I am. How God created me to be. I don’t know what would have come of me, but God worked this out for me, I just had and have to know what to do with what he’s given me. Fibromyalgia changed me, but for the better. It has opened my eyes to see the harm I was doing to myself, to really start thinking more of me, it helped me be able to open up more. And as crazy as it may seem it gave me more of a voice to be heard, gave me more strength to stand up for myself. Because after dealing with so much pain all my life, everyday, there is nothing anyone can say or do that can hurt me as much as fibromyalgia. I believe that if God did not want me to have it, I would not have. God has saved me from much. Like why would I live from having a deadly STD, I just happen to pay attention to “warning signs” and caught it early enough. Why would I live through a car accident? But someone else could’ve died. So I strongly believe if this was not meant for me, I would not have it, so I wear it proudly. It hurts like hell but I won’t let the devil have me. He put it on me, but he knew I could take it.