February 20, 2014
Value and Worth
At times you may not feel worthy, but trust me you are, we all are.
When depression sets in and I become over emotional, I start to forget my value in this world, feeling as if I have done, there is no place here for me. I forget my worth, because I allow others to define me when God is the only one who truly knows and understands me, because he created me.
This is something I wrote to my husband after we had a fight recently, I was at a very low point and the pain in my body had taken over, turned into fear of my husband leaving me and of me giving up:
Thank you for all you’ve given me, Thank you for letting me live here with you. Thank you for all you do and I’m a stupid, selfish, crazy, jealous, no working, lazy, fat, complaining, emotional, drunk, worthless, ugly bitch. I probably left some out but Thank you for being the best husband you can be. I know everything I do and say is wrong and I know nothing. I know I ask for way too much and I always want money. I know I shouldn’t want to spend so much time with you that’s crazy of me. I know I shouldn’t want you to listen to me talk about stuff & I shouldn’t want sex. I shouldn’t want to know what’s on your mind or what your plans are. I’m sorry for everything I’m sorry that I’ve messed your life up. You go ahead & enjoy your life like u said do you. Please just allow me to stay here I don’t want to move again. I truly don’t want to fight again I give up I’m in the worst pain I’ve ever been in a long time. And I keep crying I’m drained tired & head hurts.
Note: None of those things are true about me, but I made up in my mind that; that’s what my husband thought of me and how he wanted me to feel. I wanted him to notice all the reasons he could be upset with me for and I ask him for only understanding of me. It’s somewhat of a long story but the life of chronic pain is very lonely when no one in your personal life understands it.
I have to try and not beat myself up about how I am, I love myself but I know I could be so much better if I didn’t have the pain in my way. I’m somewhat an emotional wreck, just want some who excepts that am loves it truly. Just because I’m the way I am doesn’t mean I should be lied too, or secrets kept from me, or closed out from everything. My worth is priceless and my value is being able to speak my mind and explain my feelings. Maybe my value is my wisdom, that no one knows I have, that no one wants to hear or listen too. Whatever my value and worth, I know it must be high in the scale for God to still have me here.
“Who do you think you are? You have no right to hate yourself. God paid a high price for you and your freedom. He loved you so much that He sent His only Son to die for you, to suffer in your place. You have no right to hate or reject yourself. Your part is to receive what Jesus died to give you!”