When you see someone else go through hell and back, pushing themselves and you couldn’t do anything about it but watch; that changes you. But when you start to experience the same things they did plus more, that changes you into a big ball of fear.
I grew up having to watch my mom suffer from major depression, but having to work so harder to provide. Then it was a relief flyer years of trying she got disability, but now that meant fixed income. So when I got my first job at seventeen, still living at home I had to help out with bills. I was suffering from my own anxiety issues and some depression, so two people under the same household dealing with depression, crazy is what that was. While working my first job, I was working so much, and my days off (when I had one) was not enough. I was extremely tired [exhausted.] The very first time I felt true depression, I couldn’t get up out of bed. I just wanted to stay in my dark bedroom in bed and sleep. After awhile me being around the house not working meant no money, and my mom was back on me about finding a job. So got my next job, and worked my ass off again until it began getting stressful and the tiredness was kicking in. And this cycle continued on and on and everything in my life I tried to do, I failed and could not seem to finish much. Because of all the stress in my personal life, I allowed that to affect work, social and even school.
I just needed someone special in my life that was just for me, selfish right. Well having that special love would keep me going. I was happy when I was able to be happy with someone else. I craved emotional, mental and
physical attention. I needed a certain amount and I wasn’t getting it, which lead me to turn to bad things to try and fill that emptiest inside me.
I always knew what I saw myself doing and how I hoped my life would become. But when fibromyalgia came into my life a lot changed. I had even more to deal with and I had already been dragged through the dirt and mud. Now I was in the worst pain I had ever felt, how could that be when I thought I was feeling true pain all my life. I gave up and when I got married, which I could not believe he even really wanted to marry me, with all my issues. But marriage meant to me was I get to focus on me and not have to worry about the other things in life. I said can I take care of home; cook and clean. Now sitting at home calling myself focusing on my writing career while I watch my husband get up to go to work while most times I still in bed in pain. Or on good days I’m up dressed and seeing him off to work an I feel helpless, like I should be doing more, but I’m scared and afraid. Fear has a hold on me and in slowly working through it, but I really hate to start that cycle over again. I’ve been trying to figure out what kind of work I could do now, but I’m lost and clueless about it. I just know I want the job to be worth it. I still feel like a child under my moms roof sometimes, but instead it’s with my husband. I’m depending on him to provide for me, and I know I shouldn’t feel bad about that but I do. He had the control over me, and I want my independence back (well the little bit I did have) [wasn’t much] but I don’t know how to get it back. With all the headaches and leg pain alone it weighs me down. The muscle spasms, the cramps and pain in certain areas of my body that just pop up at any even time. Fibromyalgia is so random and I feel I’ve lost control of it most times and I will be dependent for the rest I my life.
Today I came across something called Dependent personality disorder (DPD) and I read about it, it amazed me because I thought to myself could I have this. I know the depression, anxiety has affected me but could I really be the type of person that would rather depend on someone else than depend on myself.
“Dependent personality disorder (DPD), formerly known as asthenic personality disorder, is a personality disorder that is characterized by a pervasive psychological dependence on other people. This personality disorder is a long-term (chronic) condition in which people depend on others to meet their emotional and physical needs, with only a minority achieving normal levels of independence.”
I’m telling you this has been my personality for all my life. I’m more screwed up than I thought.
ALL I CAN DO IS PRAY.