We are WildFlowers

Off Balance In My World


Off Balance

I’m feeling so off balance; that I feel like blah. I feel as though I’m stuck in a never ending series of events.

So off balance that my sex drive has disappeared. I know most people with chronic pain may say that it hurts to bad to be sexual, but that seemed to be apart of myself I couldn’t let go. Gives me a reason to actually be feeling the pain and not just being here in pain, for no reason at all. It’s like a nice release [escape] from everything around me. When done right it relaxes me. But like I said lately, I haven’t been feeling it; don’t want to be touched really or bothered. Its as if things has switched, I used to want it so much but now I don’t and he does. Never thought this day would happen.

I’m thinking about as if like is this a step of growth? I don’t want it as much as I thought and now I can do without. Why couldn’t this have happened when I was a teenager? Pain or no pain, love making can be a beautiful and healing experience. [For Myself]

I feel off balance in my body, from my weight going up and down, and not feeling as if I have no control of what’s happening to my body. Something can start off working, then just stop. It’s so difficult trying to figure out a routine of some sort because my body changes so much. I go from having a realgar [BM] almost everyday to not being able to do anything and I have to deal with gas. (feels like extra weight)

I feel so off balance with mind. Have you ever felt like you just aren’t thinking about anything? like your mind is blank and you’re just empty. Or I seem to have one thing or person on my mind, or I’m thinking about crazy stuff that doesn’t make any sense. I become exhausted when giving all my focus to one thing sometimes. I also get exhausted because of the cognitive problems and it’s frustrating as a writer trying to write and it takes so long to remember and figure out how to spell a word.

I’m just here, everyday of my life I am here and don’t really know why. Some may say I’m not living but in this world of troubles and my own prison of pain; I’m living as good as I can.

When I do have those days of awakening; [mind,body,spirit] I treasure those moments because they’re rare. A happy place within myself.



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