365 Days of Fibromyalgia

Why Am I This Way

What kind of person am I; that I don’t care for money. I don’t care to have much or any at all.
I’ve worked and gotten money, yet got nowhere.
Other people are much better at it than me. Still money is important to have, I surely know this. Yet I still can’t face going back down that road again. [been there done that]
Many times I’ve tried and tried, through it all. No matter what the devil threw at me, I went at it again and again. The only thing I proved to myself was people get on my nerves.
Why have I never made it a whole year on a job? There was always something that happened and I fell for it every time. And I’m not sure if it was God or Satan testing me. If it was God; I have failed many times.
I wish I could hear God and he would tell me what’s the right thing to do. I so badly what to do right by Him, I don’t want to keep disappointing you Lord.
I hurt if I stay at home, I hurt if I go to work, I’m not happy and I’ve never been completely happy with myself nor my life. I’ve been in some form of pain mostly all my life and now I don’t think there’s an end in sight.
Lord this place has never been for me, why keep me here; nothing but dead weight, I am taking up space and using up needed air.
What kind of person am I; that gets excited about ideas, using my brain, creating, dreams. But not about having to take orders from people just to get money.
I don’t believe there’s a true place for me; I was meant to be free.
In this world; nothing one does is ever enough. I’ve never done enough so it seems, but I couldn’t with the cards I was dealt. Every time I play this game “my life” I get a bad hand. I try and bluff, put on my poker face but something more stronger always wins.
I just want to know what it feels like to be happy inside and out.
I smile and laugh; sure, but if I were to take that mask off you would see that the real me is rotting out. I am really so frail and weak, I hide behind my faith.
Please Lord keep loving me.

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Comments on: "Why Am I This Way" (3)

  1. Sending you soft hugs and wishing you a pain free day.:) try and look at the good things in your life

    Like

  2. Awesome poem, I can so relate, I hope you find your comfort zone, either way, keep writing?

    Like

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