September 5, 2014
Fighting Not To Go Insane
Yesterday was a mess for me, my mother went in on me and my husband because we are staying in the same as her and if you know that feeling of having to move in with family, then you know how in feeling. Even though I miss having out own place, we have to do what we have to do and are very grateful and thankful to have somewhere to be with a roof over out head. I have like being in a house though, do not miss the apartment living at all. Anyways, me and my husband were fighting and my mom was sick of it the issues me and my husband fight about because I will admit they are unnecessary. And to have to explain would take forever, but of course it seemed as if the entire situation is all on me. All my fault as usual and my mom sits us down and is getting on us both, then before I know it she’s just directing towards me. Saying that she knows I can get on people nerves, that I can be a pain, lazy, I take to long to get to the point when I talk etc… There were more things said about me. I felt like I was a teenager again getting told what is suppose to be the truth, but really it’s the truth as they see it, not that they really taking the time to understand me and why I am the way I am. It was tough to handle, and for the first time I saw my husband cry, I’ve seen him tear up but he was really crying. I won’t go into detail on what I said but everything that was said about me, I felt as if I was being told not to be me/myself. I can’t seem to stop thinking about it all, I guess that’s the depression which as my mom said the things, she told me “I know what in saying makes you want to kill yourself.” Yes the discussion was crazy that’s why I can even get into it. And along with me taking medication and finding a job to work again. So I won’t be talking about how I feel or my symptoms to anyone anymore, well other than this blog where I can say whatever I like and hopefully not be judged because it’s others that know how I feel. In so glad I have you all on the internet from all over that understands not only the pain of chronic illness, mental illness, but the pain and stress of life.
“Always continue the climb. It is possible for you to do whatever you choose, if you first get to know who you are and are willing to work with a power that is greater than ourselves to do it.”–Ella Wheeler Wilcox
I have always been different, looked at the world and people from a different perspective. I tried so much to do as others would like, and forgot about doing for me. As much as I knew what I had to do, should do, I just couldn’t and I failed every time. I had to create my own path, and shine my own light. I still have to listen to others speak about me as if I’m worthless and I’m not doing as much as I could. The older I get the more those voices become whispers and they don’t matter anymore. I feel they are just upset and jealous that I chose a different way and didn’t do like they did. I did the school thing, but didn’t get a degree, so they have that to hang over my head. I am married but now it’s when will you have kids etc… It’s not their life I’m living; it’s Mine. Everyday I think about how I could be so much better and I could show them all, but I only have to show myself and I know deep down I am amazing and it’s not my fault if no one sees that; or maybe they do and feel I’m not using myself fully. Since I keep waking up everyday; I figure I just take my time and let my light slowly grow brighter, until one day it’s so bright all those people will finally notice and see.