365 Days of Fibromyalgia

Then and Now

September 6,2014

Past and Present

My feelings got dismantled more than hurt; heart broken. I’m so angry, sad, and confused. I didn’t think I could get hurt by these people again.

From a little girl who cried herself to sleep; wishing to die, To a grown woman who thinks about dying; I think I’m lucky to even be alive.

At times I feel dead inside, a feeling of being numb and sometimes heartless.

Emotionless I am not; but alive not sure.
What is alive? A Life that breaths, with a heart pumping and a brain.

My breathing becomes deep, heart beats heavy and fast, and they are all mad; because they can’t brainwash me.

I sit back and just laugh; ha ha ha.
While the tears flow down my face, the past is replaying and I can’t stop it nor can I pause it.

My feelings got dismantled more than hurt; heart broken. I didn’t think I could get hurt by these people again.

Those people love and care about me so much, I would rather them hate me; if there love has to be so mean.

They speak to me saying its hurtful but truthful, just who truth is it? I would rather you come at me with facts, than your truth that you see. See we both see things differently and what you say is just your opinion about me, not the truth of me. I would like to believe the only one who knows the true me is the one who created me. God is who knows and sees all. He is the one who will take me through my trials and tribulations; not you.

They yell, and cuss at me, call me every negative thing there is and then say it was tough love and motivation.

I was placed in a dark, deep hole with no rope, steps, nor ladder and I had to figure out how to get to the top. I’m not quite there yet because the more I try, the more it seems this hole gets deeper.

So many times I thought I saw the grim reaper, but it was only my own shadow; yes I was killing myself.

I hid behind sex, alcohol, smiles and laughter, see the laughing and smiling was to hide the hurt, pain and frustration. But there are times I remember and now; when I have truly smiled because I was really happy. Real smiles don’t happen that often anymore, I wear a mask [fake smile.]

I wear a smile so well, that I can even fool myself.

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Comments on: "Then and Now" (1)

  1. You are not alone. Hang on.

    Like

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