Part of me that I used to be, I wish I could get back. Thinking back on years of my life, I took so much for granted. So many things I used to do with ease now takes so much effort to accomplish.
I did all the wrong things and was focused on the wrong things, I failed myself.
Wish I could get back my energy I had, get back my hopes and those dreams I had. Wish I had of pushed myself through those tough times; so my days now wouldn’t be so rough.
Now I want to push but there are limits and I keep feeling as if I’m getting pulled back and can’t get loose to move forward. I’m stuck in this whirlwind of pain.
I think back on all the opportunities that I had that could’ve helped me down the line but I was quick to give up and I gave up on things too soon.
My depression grew and days became tougher, it was hard for me to function with life itself. I had so much fear, anger and sadness that I was lost.
Today I know I’m better than I was and wiser. I wish I had of had my way of thinking now back then and some direction on what was best for me. Everyone knew what was best for me based on what was best for them, but I didn’t know myself enough nor did I understand who I was. I just wanted to be happy and feel truly loved and nothing I did made me happy and being loved meant I wanted someone to understand me, listen to me (hear me).
I was confused about being me verses being the right person for others. Trying to make others happy and conform to what was best for them. Whatever I had to do to keep the “peace” to keep them from disliking me and so forth.
Today I don’t care what people think anymore. I have to follow my heart and do what’s best for me and I know what that is now. I have to make myself happy no matter if that means I will be left alone. And that’s another thing I grew to enjoy time alone. If I didn’t have time alone I wouldn’t be able to write blogs like this one.
So much of my past is still in me, and I’m working on letting go. But so much of the new me is allowing me to embrace this life I have and I may have limits to what I can do, still I’m going to do as much as I can and take care of me.
I’m grateful for myself.