I haven’t been feeling well for days maybe even a week. Which I’m never 100% well but I can have days better than most. So what I’m saying is my days lately have not been good.
I am so irritated and frustrated about life. I want to cry but I’m holding in tears. I want to talk but I don’t know what to say, I can’t explain how I’m feeling. I am full of doubt about who what’s to even listen to me go on and on about things that may be unimportant. I what to talk about my past and how I got to this point in my life. I want to explain why I am the way I am, why I think the way I do. At times it seems so very clear as you why, then some days I have no clue.
I woke up on this first day of March in pain. I know you may think, well that’s nothing new…right it’s not…but what I was feeling was new. Intense cramps in my stomach and I have no idea why, I just know it hurt. Not having any clue if they would let up, I was about to go into panic mode. Luckily I was able to keep a level head and relax enough that they seem to ease away. I feel like this won’t be the last of it today but at least for a moment I have some relief.
I don’t know if I’m experiencing a flare that is building up or what. Everyday it’s been something new. One night my left leg ached and all night I had trouble sleeping because it was sore, stiff, numbing type of feeling going on with it. My leg ached all of the next day and so on. Today it seems alright but of course it does because of the other pain my feeling.
Today my entire body aches and both legs seem stiff/tight. I feel tense and parts are sore to touch. Like my left arm is sore been that way for days now. If I was to get poked, punched or anything in my arm right now I would burst out into tears.
If it’s not one thing it’s another.
I had got to the point where I’ve tried to stop telling the people I love how I really feel. You know it seems to bring them down and they feel bad for not being able to help or “take my pain away.” But I have been thinking… I kind of need to talk about it and it is important. I want at least one person I love to know the “real” me. How I feel, how I think, wants, needs and dreams. I think so many have there own views about me and think they know me, but they only know of me. They know as much as they are willing to pay attention to me, hear and listen to me. Also whatever they are willing to remember of what I tell them.
I feel so unresolved and so much I don’t have closure from. It weighs heavy on me and it has turned into stress which is causing me to be sick. I have 31 years yes my entire life even as a baby, of unresolved issues. Issues that built up over the years and never got better in adulthood.
I know how I would love my life to be but it may never be that. I can’t seem to have it all, so I just deal with whatever. No, wait I seem to have all pain, and I take that pain everyday and deal with it. I think about all the times when people have no idea that I’m in the most pain ever and don’t want care about what they’re talking about, don’t care about any event, get together, holiday nor birthday. Don’t care about anything and they think I’m just fine because I’m there, I’m here, I’m alive, I’m existing, I laugh and wear the biggest smile.
I could go on but I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore.
Thank you for your time and always thank you for reading.