It’s a little after five in the morning and I been up since yesterday, I can’t sleep. I’m crying still thinking of things said to me yesterday.
I’m going to move on from it but it will always remain with me as a weight on my back.
No one understands me and they all think they know me, it’s laughable.
Here’s some things said to me yesterday by my mother, FYI she has major depression sees a therapist and psychologist and takes prescription drugs for it among other things.
The first statement was said to me after she asked me a question but knew i was about to get started up and she wanted to stop me. This happens a lot because she can’t handle my truth and the way I see things and she doesn’t like when I remind her of my childhood. Yes she did the very best she could but she fails to realize I did my very best as well and that’s what I continue to do, my best without having a nervous breakdown and ending up being admitted into a hospital.
“No I’m sorry I asked. Nope, I don’t want to hear what you have to say. I know whatever you’re about to say is going to be stupid.”
These statements were said when I explained how I don’t agree with taking drugs. As if I’m going to pop a pill and it’s going to motivate me to want to live in this world. As if it’s going to make me a entirely different person. It’s going to make me look at life so much better and I’m going to be so happy and nothing will ever bother me or worry me again.
“So when are you going to fix yourself?”
“When are you going to get help?”
This statement here I didn’t even understand. I guess life and living is about money. If I was working no matter how much I make, no matter how I feel, it would make people look at me as a better person.
“It’s not that you’re unimportant, it’s that you don’t stay at a job for very long.”
I’ve worked many jobs, longest time was eleven months. Every job I worked extremely hard, gave it my all. Mostly retail jobs but also some working with food. The most I ever got paid an hour was $9.50. Still living at home at the time I had to help pay bills. So it was impossible for me to save anything. I didn’t see how I would ever get enough money to get my own car or my own place to stay. I remember my mom told me that I wouldn’t be able to make it on my own or afford it. I only got praised when I was doing what I was told or she was in a loving, caring mood.
Growing up life for me became more difficult every day.
She hates when I say, “Well you wanted to have kids.” Or “I didn’t ask to be born.”
I think it’s wrong for people to become parents and think that them doing what they think is the best they could do is good enough and after 18 years old sometimes sooner, that now it’s the child who has to figure out life from there. Being told “I didn’t have anyone to tell me how to do things or explain it to me. I had to figure it out on my own.”
Wow, it’s just wrong. At some point the chain has to be broken. I love my mom so much but she should not have had me. I should not be here.
I believe when I was born, both my parents were depressed and it got worst. My entire life I have been trying to fix myself. I’ve been trying to fit in. I’ve been trying to live as others do. My entire life I have not wanted to be here.
I apologize for being a disappointment and not trying hard enough. Not being able to be someone who they can brag about.
It’s not that I’m lazy I just can’t handle all the stress in the world. Stress of working and stress at home it is just too much for me. It’s not that I want someone to support me it’s just I’m already working overtime tending to my mind, body and soul. The sad part is I believe I’m failing at that as well.