365 Days of Fibromyalgia

Archive for the ‘Anxiety’ Category

Anxiety & Depression 

I know everyone story is different on how we became apart of this mental health illness movement. Mine started way before I even knew it would impact my life the way it has. 

I knew about depression before I could walk or talk. I know you may be wondering what I mean, let me explain. When I was born my mom suffered with major depression and thinking back now I feel I was already depressed before I knew what it meant to be that. I remember the sadness I used to feel and how many times I cried myself to sleep. With that being said depression is not what kept me from doing things first, that brings me to anxiety. 

My first experience of anxiety was at a sleepover, I was so embarrassed. I started crying and freaking out. The other girls were concerned about me and not knowing what to do. I have been fighting this battle my entire life. 

Later on in life about 16, 17, the depression really kicked in when I really felt it. I had to admit to myself I was depressed and this isn’t just a teenage moment that will pass. I remember not being able to force myself to get up. Not wanting to do anything but sleep. I had started my first job and was working my butt off and having like one or two days off was not enough, I was exhausted and unhappy about where my life was heading and if that job was even worth it. 

Present Day: I had a tough night last night and today. The depression was full blast. After years of this though, I am able to work pass it more quickly now but it is not easy. 

Writing this right now is one way I am dealing with it. I want people to be aware of the reality of it all. Anxiety and Depression is very real and it affects so many even many who don’t even know that is what’s wrong or not willing to admit to themselves that is what it is. 

I spent years telling myself that is not me and I can change. Now it is apart of me and I can not change myself but I can change how I manage and deal with it. 

It always helps me when I can get my mind focused on something else other than my negative thoughts about myself. I am able to laugh tonight and even though I didn’t want to talk I wasn’t able to close myself off from everyone, and that is a good thing. 

With depression, when you don’t want to be around anyone. That is when you need to spend time with others the most. Not just anyone though. The right person or right people will have you feeling on top of the world but the wrong one will have you deeper in the dark. 

To add the pain from fibromyalgia I am exhausted and it’s amazing that I have kept it together this well. Inside I am screaming. 

Some days I break into pieces but unlike humpy-dumpy, I am able to put myself back together again. 

-Kerra Melissa Pridgen 


STAY STRONG 

Get Pass This Moment 


“You will know you made the right decision when you feel the stress leaving your body, your mind, your life.”

“It’s a funny thing this notion of faith. You’re absolutely certain God is Master of all, yet every now and again you slip into the gray area of doubt where you question God; “How could You let this happen?” May you be blessed with unshakeable and unbreakable trust in God. There is not enough room in your mind for both worry and faith. You decide. Which one is allowed to stay and which one gets the boot?”

When you’re paying attention you will always get the message you need. Yesterday I had a moment of weakness that lead me to thinking about some deep things. My night ended kind of on a rocky note but this morning I woke feeling ready to start this new day. Last night is behind me and I really knew it when I received an email with the messages that you see above. What I told my husband last night, I was unsure if I wanted to tell anyone else. But I feel that is why I am still here, God is using me, it’s up to me to tell my truth and hopefully help someone that may be feeling the same. 
My truth is… I have thought about dying my entire life. Can you imagine every day waking up not looking forward to that day? Even as a young child I wasn’t excited about life. Thinking I would grow out of it but I grew more into it. Waking up every day tired, being nervous, being scared of what was to happen. So much pressure to live up to what others expected of me. The closer I got to happiness I would always get knocked back down and I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I didn’t even know if I truly wanted to have a life. I know everyone has their own beliefs but I believe in the Lord with all my being. If it was not for him I would not have the heart to still be here. I may have moments of weakness, I may quit, I may not be anyone special in the eyes of most. But those moments of weakness make me stronger, I always try again, I mean something to those who matter. 

      I’ve suffered with depression my entire life, I was a depressed child born from a depressed woman raised in a depressive environment. My mom also says she believes my father was depressed but didn’t want to admit it (He drunk a lot)

My mom has taken medication as long as I can remember for major depression. I don’t take meds, it’s my own personal choice. When I was a teenager they tried to get me on some. I took some meds here and there but nothing I ever kept taking. I actually stopped on my own and I’ve been told that could have possibly made things worst, even though I didn’t take them for very long. I never liked how meds made me feel. It was an uneasy feeling, jittery like. Anyways… I knew how I felt when I really did feel happiness and it would feel good but it would never stick around. Just because I’m quiet and smiling even if I laugh at something funny, that doesn’t mean I’m truly happy. I can be in and apart of a moment but later when it’s over, what goes on in my mind is so unexplainable. 

     

I’m living proof that you can survive and everything will be alright if you only believe. Even when you think you can not go on, just wait a little bit longer and see what happens. 

Many have become depressed because of their pain from fibromyalgia but I have always had depression along with anxiety and it makes me question if the fibromyalgia was there always as well. I don’t know buy I know I cant believe I’m still waking up everyday and making an effort. Still I wonder what’s the point but there are points that I’m glad I didn’t miss and I was apart of. 

I may always have to live my life having moments where I want to die, but I always have and I’m 31 years old and I will continue on. I hope you will continue on with me. 


KEEP FIGHTING 

Get through this moment and see what happens next. 

Mind-Control

I don’t want to be mind controlled but I need it to stop. The constant battle in my head. 
Having all the potential in the world to do what you want and need to do but can’t. I’m lucky to accomplish the things I have to do. For example… Like existing. 

The people I love just don’t understand, everything in my mind and body is telling me I can’t. They don’t understand how I can push myself for awhile then just quit. 

A friend told me that they hate when I say I’m going to do something and I only do it for a short while then quit. I know there is much disappointment but I wrote a letter to that friend opening up in a way I normally wouldn’t, just like I’m opening up to you all today. I wrote… 

       How do you think I feel when I quit on myself time and time again? Forgive me for quitting because at least I didn’t make it The End. I have thought about dying my entire life. I know this must be shocking but it’s true even as a young child I remember, for example I used to go to my room and climb into bed, pull the covers up and cry myself to sleep asking God why? why me? why must I be here? Still to this day I’m asking those questions, trying to figure out where I’m really needed. 
It’s funny how people think I must have it easy and that I’m spoiled and lazy. They would get committed into a asylum if they had to live in my body and have my mind. 

      I’m very sane it’s just I go from thinking I’m awesome to thinking I’m a total failure within minutes. Though mostly it’s an hourly thing. So it’s my job everyday fighting with myself to believe I’m going to be alright. Which I know I will be alright but just don’t know for how long it will last. Overall I’m a calm, laid back person but there moments where the way I feel scares me. 
I fear losing my mind. I never know what I will remember. Within seconds I can forget what someone has told me. Even when having a conversation I feel like I need to write down my thoughts as the other person talks so I remember what I want to say. I lose chain of thought while talking. 
I do have moments when I’m good, I’m ok and on point. Those moments are becoming shorter. Then my moments of random panics does not help, that’s what led me to write this blog today. That and the fact I wanted to talk about it but unsure if I really wanted to talk to anyone. I was having a good day then out of no where something changed but I don’t know what. I can’t recall. All I remember is that I began thinking about I’m having one of those weird moments and no one is seeing this but there’s nothing to see. Only me freaking out trying to breathe and feeling nauseous. All that was on my mind was, how can I explain this to someone. Explain how I’m scared now to work, drive, handle money… All because my mind doesn’t work the way it used too. Yet I’m fighting to believe none of that is true and I can be the old me I once was but that me wasn’t that great neither. 
I’m tired of failing because of my mind, along with my body I am losing. But this tiny voice in my head, whispers I am winning and that’s what keeps me going until that voice fades out and I’m left fighting through years of thoughts and pain of the present. 

Am I Here For Your Amusement? 

  

I’ve been feeling like I just want to be left alone.

One day I was having a conversation with my niece and she was speaking about how she doesn’t want nor need a boyfriend right now she’s focused on college and having a career. I’m so proud of her, doing what I couldn’t and doing what I should’ve done. 
     It got me thinking and I’m like I never took time to be selfish and just think about myself. I was always concerned about others. Everything I did in my life was for everyone else. It was to make them happy and to keep them off my back. The only thing I did for me was abuse myself and no one cared. No one ever stopped and asked me what was wrong, how do I feel, what’s on your mind, how can I help you, what you need for me to do. Everyone was always so selfish. One time when someone called me selfish I was taken back because I’m like I’m selfish because I want to spend time with you, I’m selfish because I want to talk to you. That made me question myself yet again, like I’m this horrible person. 

     Now I just want to be selfish. I want to think about me. I’ve lived my life encouraging others and never getting that encouragement back in return. Just that means I have to work that much harder to succeed. I don’t have any cheerleaders and it’s not easy trying to accomplish goals when you’re battling depression, anxiety and chronic pain everyday. I spend most of the time telling myself I can’t instead of just doing what I need to do. 

        When I decided I wanted to become a writer, I was still unsure. I knew I was a writer, it was in my heart but I knew it wasn’t good enough for the ones around me. I was still trying to live my life for others. Year after year I would always tell myself I’m not good enough, I need to stop, I need to get a good paying job to be able to support myself and forget about writing. Every time I tried I failed. I would always end up with paper and a pen in my hand and it was calling out to me. I was fighting against the wrong things. 

      The past few years life has changed me drastically. I feel I don’t fit in so when I’m around others I put on this smile, try to have the right mood. I don’t want to frown or say the wrong things. I don’t want to have to explain what’s wrong with me. I don’t what to get stared at like I’m different, I already get enough stares as it is. I just want to spend my time with the people who matter the most to me, and who it will make a difference too. People who will speak of me the right way when I’m gone, people who really know all the different sides to me. The good, the bad, the ugly. I make just enough time for those people, and the rest of the time I need for myself. 

    I’ve always been a homebody. I went from not wanting to be alone to wanting to be alone. I went from feeling lonely to embracing it. 

      I just want people to care enough to ask that one simple question… How’s your book coming along?” I want to feel proud to be a writer, I want to be confident enough to say I’m a author. I want to feel that people take me seriously and not as a joke.

       I will continue to wear my smile for those who can’t handle my frown. 

Unresolved Issues 

  

I haven’t been feeling well for days maybe even a week. Which I’m never 100% well but I can have days better than most. So what I’m saying is my days lately have not been good. 

I am so irritated and frustrated about life. I want to cry but I’m holding in tears. I want to talk but I don’t know what to say, I can’t explain how I’m feeling. I am full of doubt about who what’s to even listen to me go on and on about things that may be unimportant. I what to talk about my past and how I got to this point in my life. I want to explain why I am the way I am, why I think the way I do. At times it seems so very clear as you why, then some days I have no clue. 

I woke up on this first day of March in pain. I know you may think, well that’s nothing new…right it’s not…but what I was feeling was new. Intense cramps in my stomach and I have no idea why, I just know it hurt. Not having any clue if they would let up, I was about to go into panic mode. Luckily I was able to keep a level head and relax enough that they seem to ease away. I feel like this won’t be the last of it today but at least for a moment I have some relief. 

I don’t know if I’m experiencing a flare that is building up or what. Everyday it’s been something new. One night my left leg ached and all night I had trouble sleeping because it was sore, stiff, numbing type of feeling going on with it. My leg ached all of the next day and so on. Today it seems alright but of course it does because of the other pain my feeling. 

Today my entire body aches and both legs seem stiff/tight. I feel tense and parts are sore to touch. Like my left arm is sore been that way for days now. If I was to get poked, punched or anything in my arm right now I would burst out into tears. 

If it’s not one thing it’s another. 

I had got to the point where I’ve tried to stop telling the people I love how I really feel. You know it seems to bring them down and they feel bad for not being able to help or “take my pain away.” But I have been thinking… I kind of need to talk about it and it is important. I want at least one person I love to know the “real” me. How I feel, how I think, wants, needs and dreams. I think so many have there own views about me and think they know me, but they only know of me. They know as much as they are willing to pay attention to me, hear and listen to me. Also whatever they are willing to remember of what I tell them. 

I feel so unresolved and so much I don’t have closure from. It weighs heavy on me and it has turned into stress which is causing me to be sick. I have 31 years yes my entire life even as a baby, of unresolved issues. Issues that built up over the years and never got better in adulthood. 

I know how I would love my life to be but it may never be that. I can’t seem to have it all, so I just deal with whatever. No, wait I seem to have all pain, and I take that pain everyday and deal with it. I think about all the times when people have no idea that I’m in the most pain ever and don’t want care about what they’re talking about, don’t care about any event, get together, holiday nor birthday. Don’t care about anything and they think I’m just fine because I’m there, I’m here, I’m alive, I’m existing, I laugh and wear the biggest smile. 

I could go on but I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore. 

Thank you for your time and always thank you for reading. 

Took Myself for Granted 

Part of me that I used to be, I wish I could get back. Thinking back on years of my life, I took so much for granted. So many things I used to do with ease now takes so much effort to accomplish. 
I did all the wrong things and was focused on the wrong things, I failed myself. 

Wish I could get back my energy I had, get back my hopes and those dreams I had. Wish I had of pushed myself through those tough times; so my days now wouldn’t be so rough. 

Now I want to push but there are limits and I keep feeling as if I’m getting pulled back and can’t get loose to move forward. I’m stuck in this whirlwind of pain. 

I think back on all the opportunities that I had that could’ve helped me down the line but I was quick to give up and I gave up on things too soon. 
My depression grew and days became tougher, it was hard for me to function with life itself. I had so much fear, anger and sadness that I was lost. 
Today I know I’m better than I was and wiser. I wish I had of had my way of thinking now back then and some direction on what was best for me. Everyone knew what was best for me based on what was best for them, but I didn’t know myself enough nor did I understand who I was. I just wanted to be happy and feel truly loved and nothing I did made me happy and being loved meant I wanted someone to understand me, listen to me (hear me). 
I was confused about being me verses being the right person for others. Trying to make others happy and conform to what was best for them. Whatever I had to do to keep the “peace” to keep them from disliking me and so forth. 
Today I don’t care what people think anymore. I have to follow my heart and do what’s best for me and I know what that is now. I have to make myself happy no matter if that means I will be left alone. And that’s another thing I grew to enjoy time alone. If I didn’t have time alone I wouldn’t be able to write blogs like this one.   

So much of my past is still in me, and I’m working on letting go. But so much of the new me is allowing me to embrace this life I have and I may have limits to what I can do, still I’m going to do as much as I can and take care of me. 

I’m grateful for myself. 

  

I’m Tired of Explaining

I just want others to remember what I’m going through. Other people don’t get questioned, if others say “I’m tired, hurting somewhere, I’m sick.” People think to themselves, “Oh must be the (fill in the blank.)

But let someone ask me what’s wrong, how do I feel? I answer, “I’m tired, this or that is hurting, I feel sick.” They respond, “Why? What did you do?”

All I want is understanding, just remember I have fibromyalgia, remember it causes me to be in pain and a long list of other bullshit that can’t be explained.

Please come up with better responses because I don’t know why, nor do I know what I did to deserve this pain. All I know is what I feel is as real as you and me. Well most of you, a lot of you all are fake. Trust me I don’t want to feel this way. My entire life all I’ve known is pain in every form.

Family think they know me, and I know secretly they think I’m lazy, spoiled, anti-social, and whatever else.

Educate yourselves and search the word/term Fibromyalgia.
Do not tell me that you know someone who has it, because the illness is different from person to person.

You need to get to know me.
And I won’t die anytime soon, I will deal with this crap for the rest of my life. I have no idea if it’s going to get worst as I get older. The changes are happening every year.

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