How long did it take you to figure out what to change in your life to help make you feel better?
I am still on the journey of trying to figure out what to eat, what not to eat. How does my body react to things. I’m lost and I can’t keep track. Every time I think I know, I don’t really have it. That alone is exhausting.
Being in so much discomfort and pain. You don’t want to take away everything you love. I want to be able to have those things that just make me happy, but I don’t know if those things are keeping me from being stuck in this never ending cycle.
Lately I’ve been so stressed which is not good. Random things keep happening as they always do but I’m never ready or looking forward to. For example: I’m sitting up in bed legs crisscrossed “indian style” I unfold them and notice my right foot is going numb, like it’s fallen asleep it’s tingling. Within seconds of me noticing that the same feeling moves up my entire leg and thigh. I’m freaking out because it feels weird, uncomfortable and I don’t know what’s about to happen next. What if I lose all feeing or can’t walk. I took off whatever clothing I had on just to feel free and I laid back and tried to relax. The feeling goes away at some point but I’ve never had that feeling go up my leg like that and especially with me just sitting on the bed.
I’m like I have to be mindful of so much that I do and that is one reason why I choose not to go to every family event of go everywhere in general because I’m just concerned of what or how my body may react to be being out.
Right now I have a toe that had been bothering me since yesterday and it feel the bone of the toe or joint hurts.
I’m so exhausted trying to live a life that I feel is trying to kill me. I can’t seem to get much of anything that is important to me done. My hands keep aching, I have to take breaks for that along with the fact I’m not sleeping well so I have to sleep when my body allows me to. Well I should say mind and body allows me to. Mostly by He time I fall asleep and wake up the day is almost over and I’m trying to get in as much as I can before it’s time for me to try and fall asleep again like a “normal” person.
Oh!!! I almost forgot another reason I haven’t been sleeping is because my skin as been itching so bad. I’m feeling things on me, feeing little pricks and stings. I feel like I’m losing my mind. Then seem like every time I get to sleeping really good, I have to get up to pee. 🤦♀️ trying to find balance of cold and hot is another struggle.
Of course I could go on and on…. I just don’t know if I will ever have this all figured out.
All I know is keeping negativity away and saying NO when I can’t and don’t want to do something right go somewhere. Making myself laugh more and putting time and energy into myself.
I woke up Monday morning with my right thumb hurting. I’m right handed and I use my hands a lot. The one thing I’ve been doing mostly that brought on this pain in my thumb is knitting.
This pain was new to me. I found myself trying to figure out if it was Carpal tunnel syndrome or early signs of Rheumatoid arthritis. Could it just be inflammation?
All my issues have been with my legs down to my feet. That alone was having me worry. I’ve had some issues with my hands before in the past but it has been in my fingers. To have it move to my thumb now was just, I don’t know, something else to add to the list.
The first time I had an terrible experience with my hands was with carrying a basket of clothes. I was at a apartment complex, no car, so I carried it from the apartment to the laundry building which wasn’t that far but wasn’t right around the corner either. I got inside the building and placed the basket down. Once I put it down I realize my fingers are stuck, curved in the position they were in when holding onto the basket. I start to panic a bit but luckily my husband was with me at the time. As soon as he walked in I was like, “I can’t unbend my fingers, my hands are stuck. Help me get them unstuck.”
My husband grabbed my hands one by one and kind of massaged them and they started to relax and I could move them again. I was so thankful that he was with me that day because I have no idea how long I would’ve been like that if I was alone, because I would’ve been freaking completely out and unable to relax.
That moment scared me and I knew my life was going to be full of these surprises forever now. The older I get I feel the less control I have of it.
It’s Sunday and I know I should not be worried about tomorrow but I am a bit. Part of me had a plan of calling or going up there to the job and do what I have to do to get it. The other “parts” of me Ms. Anxiety and Ms. Depression along with Queen Fibro, they have caused me to question everything. Friday day I got muscle spasms after using the bathroom. The muscle spasms lasted the rest of the day and night. I thought going to sleep, it would help relax my body, but that didn’t help at all.
Queen Fibro, she’s whispering in my ear making me question if I can really do this. Along with Ms. Anxiety questioning everything that could go wrong. How will I explain all the years I’ve been out of work. Ms. Depression is telling me to just keep working at doing my writing, crocheting or knitting.
I fear reaching out. I told myself I will wait to see if I get a phone call Monday. Hopeful that since I’ve been a assistant manager before despite being out of work for years, I will get a call for an interview.
I regret not printing out my resume but honestly, I don’t really know how much I want this. I’m so conflicted, I need money, I should have money, I fear failing, I fear being fired, I be leaving another job. I’ve done it so much in my past that what will make it different now. I’m older and in more pain now so it’s even harder to want to do it.
I want a career. I don’t want to get stuck at some job. Unlike most people I know I won’t me able to work a job and still focus on trying to build a career. All my focus will go to just trying to do that one job, which isn’t even worth it. It will put a little something in my pocket and keep people off my back about not working. It would hopefully take my guilt away.
The thing is I feel I’m still not doing it for myself despite wanting some money. Money has never been my driving force to anything.
I’m so messed up. I have to stop thinking about this now before I go into a panic attack.
Have a wonderful restful day.
I stepped out of my comfort zone this week. A store I went into were hiring for stocking and I got an application. It’s a small dollar tree store and it really needed help. My mom and I asked if you can just get hired just to stock and they said yes. I’m hoping that this will be the first time, well I take that back the second time I can get hired not to be a cashier. I have most of my experience in retail, also was a assistant manager so I qualify for the job. The only thing is, I haven’t worked in years. I know I don’t want to handle the stress of being a cashier but being on the floor and organizing things is the part I always enjoyed.
Plus dealing with the symptoms of fibromyalgia a lot has changed with myself. Also my anxiety had gotten worse, so it’s a big step for me to have taken the application back yesterday. I drove myself, which is a big deal now. I have to wait until Monday and I will see what happens.
At least I’m making an attempt.
I just want to do something that won’t be too much stress on me and can give me a income to contribute, so I won’t feel like a waste of space or at least put a little money in my pocket.
I hope that you all are feeling better than I am today.
I am just coming down from having a cold. Still dealing with that a bit. Dealing with phlegm in my throat causing me to gag and be nauseous. The other day my back starts hurting. I feel the pain when I cough mostly. Also I’ve been feeling dizziness, spinning kind of feeling since the 3rd.
Today has been so weird for me. I’ve gotten used to my body doing unexplainable things but today seemed new and different. Woke up around, I can’t even remember now what time it was. Anyways, I’m sitting up on the bed and my legs are getting that “falling asleep” feeling. Almost feeling numb and not the first time this has happened maybe the second. Then lying back down I still feel this way. In my legs down to my toes.
I also feel trembling in my body which is nothing new. Heart is racing and I’m used to that, I’m trying to calm down. Try to relax but I can’t. The only other thing to do than nothing is sleeping. I can’t relax enough to even close my eyes. I hadn’t ate all day and it’s around 6pm. So with no one to ask I have to just get up and do this myself. I make a salad and as I stand things don’t feel right at all. My hands are literally trembling. I haven’t felt trembling in my hands like this before. Holding something, I could feel it shaking. If I didn’t focus on holding it and hurry to put it down I may dropped everything I was carrying.
I didn’t feel right eating but it made the trembling stop a bit. I drunk some ginger ale and then continued to sip on water.
I spoke to my mom to tell her how I was feeling just in case. When I began to talk I noticed I felt like I almost could get my words out. That freaked me out for sure, almost started to cry but held back my tears.
Ive been so worried about getting the flu, hearing about the death count on the news has me freaking out. I worried about having a stroke or heart attack. It’s crazy. I’m trying not to make myself worse with worrying. The weather keeps changing outside. Due to the fact I live in my aunt house right now, I don’t have control over the temperature in the house. It’s an older house so I’m sure the air flow in here isn’t that great. I’m always feeling as if I’m suffocating. Hot, cold, cold, hot is what I deal with.
It’s now going on 8:30pm and I still feel numbness in my toes. Aching in my legs. It’s crazy I feel like my entire body feels like a numbness, or heaviness.
Of course having anxiety, is making it that much more difficult to relax. I’m doing my best. I’m about to survive another day though.
Peace & Love.
Hope you all are feeling better than me today. Today I feel so sad, crying and I’m tired. I’m tired and I haven’t even done anything. I don’t even feel like trying to explain what I’m feeling in my body right now. All day long. It’s been a tough few months. Day after day. When the new day starts I’m woke, when the day is moving along I am still, in bed trying to get sleep. By night fall I’m wide awoke again most of the time. There are times that I stay up and try to keep myself busy but with the proper rest, I feel sick.
I feel like nothing I eat or drink agrees with me. To be honest I really don’t want to eat anymore. I try to go as long as I can and not eat. I’m tried of drinking and going to the bathroom. I guess I’m just tried of what is called my life.
One of the most frustrating things are, when you’ve told your family and friends you have fibromyalgia, you have told them all the symptoms even printed them out for them to see and read. Constantly talking about it and explaining. Then when you don’t feel well and they ask what’s wrong, you tell them what you’re feeling and they ask you why are you feeling that way or what did you do. Oh how crazy it is you feel that way etc…
In that moment I feel as if no one cares and of course no one understands. The crap just happens and I don’t know why. It’s like they don’t care to keep that information in their head of What fibromyalgia does to someone. They have no clue.
No one wants to hear about how I feel but then they tell me about their aches and pains as if their pain is more relevant than mine. Don’t forget about the age. People older feel they have a right to feel the way they do and wonder what’s my reason or how, why, would be aching and joints popping, I’m too young to be feeling that way etc…
Hello my WildFlowers, how are you all?
My day has been, being uncomfortable starting early this morning, no last night. Lately I have been becoming hot more often and sweating, even cold sweats when it’s cool. The temperature has changed outside but now my body is used to it being cool inside from the air conditioner but of course it would be crazy to have it still on now. The ceiling fan seemed to not be doing much. Every room in the house seems like a different temperature.
Today I was smelling something and could not figure out where it was coming from but it was bothering me. I think I found it and that was a relief.
Then I felt crawling on my legs. The hair has grown back slightly and I think ok let me shave it will be better, wrong. After shaving, my legs are stinging/itching I’m about to rip my legs off. I quickly turn on the shower and get in. Ok now some relief.
Now to figure out what to put on or to not put on. I’m in the bedroom I’ve chosen to open the window to cool the room off and hopefully help make me more comfortable. Should I close or leave the door open? I find something to put on that won’t irritate my skin too much and I kept the door open. My legs are still itching a bit but I don’t know if I want to put any lotion on or anything because it may irritate me even more.
Overall I have myself situated at this point and I’m somewhat at peace. It’s quiet in the house, I’m cool and comfortable.
It’s been a normal day for me full of my personal issues.