Hope you all are feeling better than me today. Today I feel so sad, crying and I’m tired. I’m tired and I haven’t even done anything. I don’t even feel like trying to explain what I’m feeling in my body right now. All day long. It’s been a tough few months. Day after day. When the new day starts I’m woke, when the day is moving along I am still, in bed trying to get sleep. By night fall I’m wide awoke again most of the time. There are times that I stay up and try to keep myself busy but with the proper rest, I feel sick.
I feel like nothing I eat or drink agrees with me. To be honest I really don’t want to eat anymore. I try to go as long as I can and not eat. I’m tried of drinking and going to the bathroom. I guess I’m just tried of what is called my life.
One of the most frustrating things are, when you’ve told your family and friends you have fibromyalgia, you have told them all the symptoms even printed them out for them to see and read. Constantly talking about it and explaining. Then when you don’t feel well and they ask what’s wrong, you tell them what you’re feeling and they ask you why are you feeling that way or what did you do. Oh how crazy it is you feel that way etc…
In that moment I feel as if no one cares and of course no one understands. The crap just happens and I don’t know why. It’s like they don’t care to keep that information in their head of What fibromyalgia does to someone. They have no clue.
No one wants to hear about how I feel but then they tell me about their aches and pains as if their pain is more relevant than mine. Don’t forget about the age. People older feel they have a right to feel the way they do and wonder what’s my reason or how, why, would be aching and joints popping, I’m too young to be feeling that way etc…
I’m dealing with allergies from the pollen and I would rather have a cold. Just when I thought I couldn’t feel worst, I’m proved wrong. Went out yesterday and right away my head started to hurt. When I got back to the house my eyes were bothering me and were red. Skin itchy, even my head was itchy. At first I forgot to change my shirt, then I washed my hair. It helped a bit but also I’ve had trouble sleeping. I know that’s nothing new but my insomnia has been worst lately and then my fatigue kicks in to over drive. I have to force myself to stop sleeping. I get up to try and get some things done.
Right now I’m not feeling great, breathing is weird and it’s just feels like a heaviness on my chest. My body feels heavy along with belching, so I’m guessing the feeling in my chest is gas.
My body is aching a lot more and abdominal pain and cramps.
I’ve been so exhausted and feeling so frustrated. I want to be mute and numb. Sometimes I’m so tired of caring and loving others, it’s overwhelming and I just want to be alone because feeling myself is too much. When you have others who don’t listen to you or don’t even hear you when you talk. It makes things difficult because I already don’t want to burden anyone with how I feel but to know they won’t listen nor understand anyways, it saddens me.
The next months ahead are going to be so hard with the changes of weather. It’s going to make everything 10x times worse.
At least now with sneezing, itchy red eyes I have something to show and prove I’m sick. I want to cry right now but I won’t. I just want to be able to stop trying to explain. I wish someone close to me would just know what’s up and even do the research themselves to the point they know all the symptoms and when I say how I feel they don’t ask me why.
Okay I’ve expressed all I can today. I love everyone who takes the time to read my blog, it means so much to me. I don’t get any money from this, I do it to just have a place to vent/express my feelings and tell my thoughts. Thanks again.
Always something going on with me and no one understands.
When you think you know every pain there is that comes along with fibromyalgia, something. New happens.
Just now I’m still dealing with pain in my back, so I was focused on that. Out of no where I get this sharp pain in my forehead, right across my forehead and it is sharp as hell and it hurts.
Of course the pain is moving around my entire head and right now I want to cry, but I’m holding in the tears. Even though I think it would be a good time to just get it out since I’m alone at the moment.
IT HURTS AND TODAY IM TIRED OF BEING STRONG.
August 30, 2014
Today was a family reunion which I haven’t been too in years. I’m staying with my mother and aunt at this time, so of course they thought I was going to go. Even their aunt wanted me to go but I am an adult now I will not be forced into going places I don’t want to go. I haven’t been able to really get any rest this week and not just that my body isn’t up to it, I just don’t care to see those people family or not. My be hurtful but I’m being truthful.
Seems as though my cycle decided to turn off today, I’m glad about that but I still don’t feel good. It’s a good thing I didn’t go anywhere because I was going to take a walk but before leaving out I began feeling not quite right. I decided to eat something and while eating I was felt a bit dizzy/lightheaded. My body started to ache and become weak. I could feel it as I walk around and when using my arms to get clothes out the washer, and I can’t a pain in my hip for a moment there. Today is not my day it seems. Almost every tender point is sore. Along with what is a tension headache I believe because I have some aching in my neck.
I began feeling much worst as if my blood pressure was up, but the machine here at the house wouldn’t work. I drove myself to the nearest walmart and of course they don’t have one for me to test myself. I just don’t feel up to driving to check walgreens or cvs so I just sat in the car in the parking lot for awhile before driving back home. My sight was trying to mess up on me and i in the grumpiest mood ever. I’m irritable and depressed all in one. I’m grumpy and sad, what a mess. I am happy to be alone right now, I’m so going to hate when everyone returns, I’m going to have to try and have a better attitude.
I had a reunion with myself today and it didn’t go well.
What kind of person am I; that I don’t care for money. I don’t care to have much or any at all.
I’ve worked and gotten money, yet got nowhere.
Other people are much better at it than me. Still money is important to have, I surely know this. Yet I still can’t face going back down that road again. [been there done that]
Many times I’ve tried and tried, through it all. No matter what the devil threw at me, I went at it again and again. The only thing I proved to myself was people get on my nerves.
Why have I never made it a whole year on a job? There was always something that happened and I fell for it every time. And I’m not sure if it was God or Satan testing me. If it was God; I have failed many times.
I wish I could hear God and he would tell me what’s the right thing to do. I so badly what to do right by Him, I don’t want to keep disappointing you Lord.
I hurt if I stay at home, I hurt if I go to work, I’m not happy and I’ve never been completely happy with myself nor my life. I’ve been in some form of pain mostly all my life and now I don’t think there’s an end in sight.
Lord this place has never been for me, why keep me here; nothing but dead weight, I am taking up space and using up needed air.
What kind of person am I; that gets excited about ideas, using my brain, creating, dreams. But not about having to take orders from people just to get money.
I don’t believe there’s a true place for me; I was meant to be free.
In this world; nothing one does is ever enough. I’ve never done enough so it seems, but I couldn’t with the cards I was dealt. Every time I play this game “my life” I get a bad hand. I try and bluff, put on my poker face but something more stronger always wins.
I just want to know what it feels like to be happy inside and out.
I smile and laugh; sure, but if I were to take that mask off you would see that the real me is rotting out. I am really so frail and weak, I hide behind my faith.
Please Lord keep loving me.
August 25, 2014
I had been doing ok with not having any headaches, but lately around the start of this month; I have had head pain recurring more and more often everyday. It was to the point that I can’t remember the last time I had a migraine really, but now it’s back and it’s all I can focus on. I don’t know what I’m doing different from last month or the month before, but that’s one issue with having fibromyalgia; just never know when a flare up of things will hit.
Along with aching/cramping hands, head and face pain have been the issue this month mostly.
There are times when I have sore spots on my scalp that make my head hurt, makes sleeping difficult because it even hurts when on a pillow.
The worst pain is when a sharp shooting pain comes out of nowhere and is giving my brain electric shock, now I’ve never had any electric shock other than static electricity but I would imagine being struck by lighting feels like the pain in my head. [feels like static electricity but on the inside of my head and 10x worst]
I know a few months back when I got that sharp pain it was scary, it made me stop and drop to my knees it was so bad. It was so different from the normal migraine or any kind of headache, this didn’t feel like a headache. I felt something was going on with my brain, and it was like someone was pulling down the switch and I was in the electric chair.
I’m hoping that it doesn’t get that bad again, but I never know. Like I said this month the headaches are slowly creeping back up.
Another thing that happens is like this heavy pressure feeling, like my head is weighed down and it hurts to lift or lower my head. And can’t forget the spinning, that is the most crazy feeling. Even with my eyes closed I feel as if my head is spinning.
I hope that I can get through this week without reaching to any of those points. I’ve only had some pain at my temples and around my eyes a bit and the sore spots in my head today. There’s no telling what will happen tomorrow.
Read some info on fibromyalgia headaches at this link:
Also check out: http://themigrainediva.blogspot.com/p/advocate.html?m=1
July 26, 2014
There are times I feel I have changed for the better because I am looking at things from a whole new perspective.
There are times that I know I haven’t changed, but there is a good and evil to the changes.
Very emotional changes that have occurred. Almost somewhat very high to very low feeling.
I admit I can be a very heartless, smart-ass when I’m in pain and not caring. I apologize in advance sometimes before my actions happen.
I admit I can be very sad and depressing and it’s easier to push away people than to keep them around.
I know whenever someone really loves me, because they can’t seem to stay away.
When I love; I love hard. When I dislike; I don’t want anything to do with them.
Pain does and has changed me, but also it’s made me appreciate my life more.