We are WildFlowers

Archive for the ‘Insomnia’ Category

Edge of the Cliff

Hi, WildFlowers

Hope you all are feeling better than me today. Today I feel so sad, crying and I’m tired. I’m tired and I haven’t even done anything. I don’t even feel like trying to explain what I’m feeling in my body right now. All day long. It’s been a tough few months. Day after day. When the new day starts I’m woke, when the day is moving along I am still, in bed trying to get sleep. By night fall I’m wide awoke again most of the time. There are times that I stay up and try to keep myself busy but with the proper rest, I feel sick.

I feel like nothing I eat or drink agrees with me. To be honest I really don’t want to eat anymore. I try to go as long as I can and not eat. I’m tried of drinking and going to the bathroom. I guess I’m just tried of what is called my life.

One of the most frustrating things are, when you’ve told your family and friends you have fibromyalgia, you have told them all the symptoms even printed them out for them to see and read. Constantly talking about it and explaining. Then when you don’t feel well and they ask what’s wrong, you tell them what you’re feeling and they ask you why are you feeling that way or what did you do. Oh how crazy it is you feel that way etc…

In that moment I feel as if no one cares and of course no one understands. The crap just happens and I don’t know why. It’s like they don’t care to keep that information in their head of What fibromyalgia does to someone. They have no clue.

No one wants to hear about how I feel but then they tell me about their aches and pains as if their pain is more relevant than mine. Don’t forget about the age. People older feel they have a right to feel the way they do and wonder what’s my reason or how, why, would be aching and joints popping, I’m too young to be feeling that way etc…

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Failure at Life 

It’s a little after five in the morning and I been up since yesterday, I can’t sleep. I’m crying still thinking of things said to me yesterday. 

I’m going to move on from it but it will always remain with me as a weight on my back. 

No one understands me and they all think they know me, it’s laughable. 

Here’s some things said to me yesterday by my mother, FYI she has major depression sees a therapist and psychologist and takes prescription drugs for it among other things. 

The first statement was said to me after she asked me a question but knew i was about to get started up and she wanted to stop me. This happens a lot because she can’t handle my truth and the way I see things and she doesn’t like when I remind her of my childhood. Yes she did the very best she could but she fails to realize I did my very best as well and that’s what I continue to do, my best without having a nervous breakdown and ending up being admitted into a hospital. 

“No I’m sorry I asked. Nope, I don’t want to hear what you have to say. I know whatever you’re about to say is going to be stupid.” 

These statements were said when I explained how I don’t agree with taking drugs. As if I’m going to pop a pill and it’s going to motivate me to want to live in this world. As if it’s going to make me a entirely different person. It’s going to make me look at life so much better and I’m going to be so happy and nothing will ever bother me or worry me again. 

“So when are you going to fix yourself?” 

“When are you going to get help?” 

This statement here I didn’t even understand. I guess life and living is about money. If I was working no matter how much I make, no matter how I feel, it would make people look at me as a better person. 

“It’s not that you’re unimportant, it’s that you don’t stay at a job for very long.” 

I’ve worked many jobs, longest time was eleven months. Every job I worked extremely hard, gave it my all. Mostly retail jobs but also some working with food. The most I ever got paid an hour was $9.50. Still living at home at the time I had to help pay bills. So it was impossible for me to save anything. I didn’t see how I would ever get enough money to get my own car or my own place to stay. I remember my mom told me that I wouldn’t be able to make it on my own or afford it. I only got praised when I was doing what I was told or she was in a loving, caring mood. 

Growing up life for me became more difficult every day. 

She hates when I say, “Well you wanted to have kids.” Or “I didn’t ask to be born.” 

I think it’s wrong for people to become parents and think that them doing what they think is the best they could do is good enough and after 18 years old sometimes sooner, that now it’s the child who has to figure out life from there. Being told “I didn’t have anyone to tell me how to do things or explain it to me. I had to figure it out on my own.” 

Wow, it’s just wrong. At some point the chain has to be broken. I love my mom so much but she should not have had me. I should not be here. 

I believe when I was born, both my parents were depressed and it got worst. My entire life I have been trying to fix myself. I’ve been trying to fit in. I’ve been trying to live as others do. My entire life I have not wanted to be here. 

I apologize for being a disappointment and not trying hard enough. Not being able to be someone who they can brag about. 

It’s not that I’m lazy I just can’t handle all the stress in the world. Stress of working and stress at home it is just too much for me. It’s not that I want someone to support me it’s just I’m already working overtime tending to my mind, body and soul. The sad part is I believe I’m failing at that as well. 

Mind-Control

I don’t want to be mind controlled but I need it to stop. The constant battle in my head. 
Having all the potential in the world to do what you want and need to do but can’t. I’m lucky to accomplish the things I have to do. For example… Like existing. 

The people I love just don’t understand, everything in my mind and body is telling me I can’t. They don’t understand how I can push myself for awhile then just quit. 

A friend told me that they hate when I say I’m going to do something and I only do it for a short while then quit. I know there is much disappointment but I wrote a letter to that friend opening up in a way I normally wouldn’t, just like I’m opening up to you all today. I wrote… 

       How do you think I feel when I quit on myself time and time again? Forgive me for quitting because at least I didn’t make it The End. I have thought about dying my entire life. I know this must be shocking but it’s true even as a young child I remember, for example I used to go to my room and climb into bed, pull the covers up and cry myself to sleep asking God why? why me? why must I be here? Still to this day I’m asking those questions, trying to figure out where I’m really needed. 
It’s funny how people think I must have it easy and that I’m spoiled and lazy. They would get committed into a asylum if they had to live in my body and have my mind. 

      I’m very sane it’s just I go from thinking I’m awesome to thinking I’m a total failure within minutes. Though mostly it’s an hourly thing. So it’s my job everyday fighting with myself to believe I’m going to be alright. Which I know I will be alright but just don’t know for how long it will last. Overall I’m a calm, laid back person but there moments where the way I feel scares me. 
I fear losing my mind. I never know what I will remember. Within seconds I can forget what someone has told me. Even when having a conversation I feel like I need to write down my thoughts as the other person talks so I remember what I want to say. I lose chain of thought while talking. 
I do have moments when I’m good, I’m ok and on point. Those moments are becoming shorter. Then my moments of random panics does not help, that’s what led me to write this blog today. That and the fact I wanted to talk about it but unsure if I really wanted to talk to anyone. I was having a good day then out of no where something changed but I don’t know what. I can’t recall. All I remember is that I began thinking about I’m having one of those weird moments and no one is seeing this but there’s nothing to see. Only me freaking out trying to breathe and feeling nauseous. All that was on my mind was, how can I explain this to someone. Explain how I’m scared now to work, drive, handle money… All because my mind doesn’t work the way it used too. Yet I’m fighting to believe none of that is true and I can be the old me I once was but that me wasn’t that great neither. 
I’m tired of failing because of my mind, along with my body I am losing. But this tiny voice in my head, whispers I am winning and that’s what keeps me going until that voice fades out and I’m left fighting through years of thoughts and pain of the present. 

Pollen What The F***

I’m dealing with allergies from the pollen and I would rather have a cold. Just when I thought I couldn’t feel worst, I’m proved wrong. Went out yesterday and right away my head started to hurt. When I got back to the house my eyes were bothering me and were red. Skin itchy, even my head was itchy. At first I forgot to change my shirt, then I washed my hair. It helped a bit but also I’ve had trouble sleeping. I know that’s nothing new but my insomnia has been worst lately and then my fatigue kicks in to over drive. I have to force myself to stop sleeping. I get up to try and get some things done.   
      Right now I’m not feeling great, breathing is weird and it’s just feels like a heaviness on my chest. My body feels heavy along with belching, so I’m guessing the feeling in my chest is gas. 

My body is aching a lot more and abdominal pain and cramps.  

I’ve been so exhausted and feeling so frustrated. I want to be mute and numb. Sometimes I’m so tired of caring and loving others, it’s overwhelming and I just want to be alone because feeling myself is too much. When you have others who don’t listen to you or don’t even hear you when you talk. It makes things difficult because I already don’t want to burden anyone with how I feel but to know they won’t listen nor understand anyways, it saddens me. 

The next months ahead are going to be so hard with the changes of weather. It’s going to make everything 10x times worse. 
At least now with sneezing, itchy red eyes I have something to show and prove I’m sick. I want to cry right now but I won’t. I just want to be able to stop trying to explain. I wish someone close to me would just know what’s up and even do the research themselves to the point they know all the symptoms and when I say how I feel they don’t ask me why. 

  
Okay I’ve expressed all I can today. I love everyone who takes the time to read my blog, it means so much to me. I don’t get any money from this, I do it to just have a place to vent/express my feelings and tell my thoughts. Thanks again. 

Sleep Works Wonders

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Five in the morning and I’m still woke, when I so desperately want to be sleep. My right eye is sore, something I did when I touched/rubbed my eye or something, I think I pinched my eyelid I do know it hurts now. Both eyes are heavy, I’m yawning and feel a massive headache by arrive at some point. I’m slowly, very slowly falling asleep and when I do it’s going to be restful/good sleep or weird dreams sleep. 
At not quite eleven my eye still bothering me and I woke up coughing up a storm, and feeling like I’m going to gag up a lung from this feeling in the pit of my throat. 

The big question is do I get up now or wait? I have no reason to get up now and I always need the rest. And I could possibly feel better. The more restful sleep I get, the better I feel and look. 
Well I didn’t fall back to sleep, I was oftener breakfast and it’s not everyday that someone cooks for me so I gladly got up to eat. So since I’m up, I’m up. 

Twelve in the afternoon, time to start my day. On a normal day, ok everyday my mind is all over the place. I go from thoughts wondering, to me writing down my wondering thoughts, actually working on writing my book, to knitting or crocheting, to watching tv, to playing games on phone or tablet, all while cleaning house such as washing dishes or clothes, sweeping or dusting etc… Now by this time I may be ready I get back in bed, which I just may to rest while I wait for my husband to get home. Because then cooking time approaches, and with rest in between these moments of my day I won’t be any good. 

At any point I feel as a woman I can do it all, but my body and mind don’t always agree. 

First thing on my list I day is to do my hair and that will take all the energy I have, I think I will end up back sleep soon. Plus I’m feeling fries right now. 
So while doing my hair I notice that looks like my eye is swollen a bit maybe I have a bump on my lid, that’s why it was sore. Now I’m back in bed because standing up trying to do my hair, my legs and feet are aching and weak now. 

Living with any kind of chronic illness is like living in a roller coaster, because it’s so up and down all the time. Not knowing how long you’re going to be up and when you go down, it’s over. 
Sleep helps but it’s an endless cycle. 
We get done what we have to, we push ourselves when we need to and most over work our bodies because people make us feel guilty like we don’t do anything and what we do, do is not enough. 

STAY STRONG! 

My Character

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Is my illness just a mere reflection of who I really am? 

I came out the womb as a fighter, but never knew what the world would do, when it got ahold of me. 

Even as a young girl I was selective about people, about where I wanted to be and go. 

Around about 2nd or 3rd grade, I got invited to a sleep over. That’s when I had my very first panic attack, it was embarrassing. I was ok, nothing happening, we were just sleeping. I woke up crying and screaming. All the other little girls gathered around me, helped me to go to the mother of the girl who invited me, and all I wanted to do was to go home. 

Depression was slowly coming along , if it wasn’t already there to begin with. Everything else that happened in my childhood… I was on a downward spiral. 

When I think of my life, I think fibromyalgia was always in me, slowly growing worst by the years and things happening. Through out my life, it caused it to really show it’s ugly sides. 
I know my story is different than most, some say there life was so great before pain came into their lives, but for me pain is all I remember. In the first grade I was already dealing with my cycle(period)=painful and it never got better, I never grew into the pain nor did I ever get used to it. 

I was born September 24,1984 and my zodiac sign is libra… 
A Female Libra
Another thing that you absolutely need to know about these women is the alternating manic-depressive streaks in them. When in the manic mode, she will work continuously without a break. She will clean, wash, mop, dust, broom, sew, correspond, cook, iron when at home, and then churn out one brilliant project/idea when in office. Her tenacity to complete all tasks – her own or someone else’s – will scare a regular observer. Her energy levels will astound everyone around her. This stage can usually be noted when something is deeply troubling the female scale-bearer. There is some knot she cannot untangle mentally, some dilemma there seems to be no way out of. Her mental anxiety then manifests physically, and she needs to keep her hands continuously moving in order to keep from going insane. The moment she puts her finger on the solution, she calms down, slows her pace, completes the leftover tasks nevertheless, and collapses on the bed for a deep and tranquil hibernation period. She won’t move a muscle when she is resting. This is her rejuvenation period, and nothing can stir her until her mental faculties are good to go again.

Now there are great qualities about my personality, like being a social-butterfly. But being social, I never liked being, it had always made me tired. 

Today I realize that I have always just been existing in my life, and now that I want to really live it… I can’t because it makes me even more tired than just existing.

Time Change

It’s been the craziest feeling since time went back. I waking up earlier and getting sleepy earlier, but I’m not feeling rested. Now I know that of course with fatigue and fibromyalgia, that one is going to not feel that rested anyways, still I was kind of doing a little bit better before the time change.

At least I feel I was, I could be completely wrong and was loosing my mind. It feels good to know this isn’t a fibromyalgia problem though because others around me have felt the changes as well.

And what about when it feels as if you’re lost the entire day, at five o’clock in the evening it feels like it should be like eight already (it feels late.) I really don’t remember feeling such a dramatic difference last year.
I went to sleep around one in the morning and woke after six. I’m very tired and I need so much rest. I want to be left alone, well I want to not be asked to do anything.

The one good thing about the time change though is that, I don’t miss anything by sleeping. I could fall asleep and wake up to find it’s still kind of early.

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