365 Days of Fibromyalgia

Archive for the ‘Life of Pain’ Category

Life Changer 

Today I read a message that was sent to me and it like many others I’ve received. It’s full of hope about being “cured” about making life better, having a life without pain. The funny thing is I’m not in pain right now as I’m writing this but like any other day that could change at any moment. I wanted to share the message with you all and share my response. I hope I do not offend the person who sent me the message but I dislike people who send me messages of wanting to talk to me about something that will fix me, as if I’m broken. Well they stated that it’s something that will give me my life back. The one problem with that is unlike others, this is the only life I’ve known. It hasn’t been any better or any worst. It just is what it is. Everyone with or without a chronic illness will have good and bad days, they will also want to vent or complain a bit. My life is what it is and even with chronic pain I don’t know what I would be doing differently. My pain isn’t what has stopped me, many other factors in my life have kept me from succeeding. I was on a downward spiral on an never ending roller-coaster and fibromyalgia forced me to stop and examine my life and realize I had many habits that needed to stop. My pain is a wake up call, a reminder of I’m still not the person I should be. 

If mentally I’m the same person and I spend money to buy any and everything that could make me feel better, for how long will it work? Won’t I become depended on it? What happens if I can’t get it anymore? 

I may not always be smiling and hopeful for my down days don’t last as long as they used too. Mentally I’m much stronger now than I’ve ever been. My body is forcing me to make changes but I want to be able to find a way that doesn’t have me buying some special kind of product regardless if it’s “healthy” or “natural” I have a long way to go. Financially I want to start with the basics such as the food I eat, getting enough sleep and being as active as I can. Until I’m able to get those things under control I’m not wasting money. I need free solutions for my life. I know many will argue that it’s worth it but I don’t agree. I want to just be able to buy fresh vegetables or grow my own and eat without worrying that it’s going to make me sick. I want to be able to have a drug-free life. I made it to age 33 I think I can make it many more years. (Just how I feel about my life) 

Message Sent:  “HI Melissa, How are you going? I kind of feel like that is a silly question as I just read your current blog (from the 10th). I wanted to connect as I have a large circle of people around me with Fibromyalgia and we have found something that has given them their lives back. Sounds crazy and impossible, I know! They all think the same things 😂 If you would like to connect, and learn more, please feel free to get in contact with me. I would love to skype/face time and find out more about you. Take care.”

My response: Hi, financially I can not buy anything to try in hopes it will magically make me feel better. The difference from me and others is, other people had a life they loved before fibromyalgia and have a point that they wish to get back to. Since I was young I’ve lived with anxiety and depression and the fibromyalgia came later, which I feel I maybe always had. I don’t have a life to get back. I just have the life that I live. I’m still here and still going, I don’t look at my pain as a life stopper, I feel it’s been a life changer for the better. It sucks and it is very painful at times but I don’t like being told that there is some fix all product. If there is why be so secret about it. Give me something to post and let everyone know about this wonderful thing that will give them there lives back. Thank you take care. 

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Need My Sunglasses 🕶 

I was going to check the mailbox, I open the door and as I stood in front of the screen door the small amount of natural sunlight hit me. I hadn’t even stepped foot on the porch yet and I felt I was being electric ⚡️ shocked. It hurt so sharp across my forehead, around my eyes. This feeling was different, I hadn’t felt this pain before. Going outside with the sun shining has been difficult but I was able to just squint my eyes and bare it. Eventually my eyes adjust. Today though I was caused pain that I couldn’t endure and squinting my eyes didn’t matter. Matter of fact I didn’t even squint my eyes, I closed them and had to turn away from the door.  

It affected me. I quickly told my husband and said, “I need my sunglasses, I need my sunglasses.” 


I have no idea if it was a migraine issue or not because no other light had caused that pain all day, it wasn’t until I was looking out the glass of the door when I felt the pain. 

I put on my sunglasses and walked outside. The sunglasses helped right away and the pain eased off. It was difficult for me to get pass the pain I had felt though. When I feel a new pain it always makes me sad because I don’t want to add to the list, I want to eliminate it. 
Another day living with my invisible illness. 

Extra Weight 

I don’t know if I’m the only one who has put on extra pounds since the symptoms of fibromyalgia kicked in. Over the past years I’ve tried, done my best to keep a workout routine and I always end up finding reasons to stop, other than the pain. I get really bored and of course not having someone to workout with, but not having someone with the same energy, attitude, and of course someone that I really like. 

To other people I may not look any different and I’ve never been a skinny or slim person but I see and feel the difference. It was not just the number on the scale that bothered me. Recently my knees have been bothering me to the point I sometimes feel they will give out on me. It started with my left, and sometimes it’s my right knee. The ache or pain catches me off guard and I have to catch myself as if my leg is giving out. My breathing has gotten heavier and I give out of breath easier. If that wasn’t enough. One morning I wake up and I see my stomach, I notice streach marks on my stomach! I have not had any babies so I should not have streach marks on my stomach. I knew I had gained weight but not to that point. At this point I’m telling myself the same thing I’ve always told myself, you have to do something about this. Having depression and anxiety both make it difficult to find motivation to do anything. Clothes have gotten tighter, everything is uncomfortable and I refuse to go up a size. I will get back to where I was and hopefully go down a size. 

Okay I’m rambling on, I’ll get to the point of this post. I came across this video on YouTube and the guy doing the video was a little comical which caught my attention, but also the fact it seemed easy enough. I told myself I would try it. 

When I woke this morning feeling like doing nothing. Throat seemed swollen and sore. I’m trying not to gag. I had my cup of coffee then endured brushing my teeth without gagging up a lung. Afterwards, I don’t know what came over me. I made the choice in my head that I was going to try this workout. So I did. 

Ok everyone I had the slowest moment in history, dumbest mistake. I get started with the workout. I open the clock app on my phone and set timer for 30 seconds but I do not look at the other columns and hit the start button and I begin to walk as fast as I can back and forth. I’m thinking to myself this is the longest 30 seconds ever, it shouldn’t be taking this long. I keep going and going. Finally the alarm sounds and I look down and I see why it took so long. It was set to 15 minutes and 30 seconds. I couldn’t believe I had did this to myself. My mind could not register that I needed to stop because it was wrong. I had a second or two when I knew something wasn’t right but my mind could not figure out why. That makes me sad and I feel like I’m losing the function to comprehend but on the positive side of things, I got a nice workout. I finished up the right way. I was to do the quick workout  four times but since I had added that 15 minutes to it, I figured I would say I had done enough for now. 


https://youtu.be/Zsr3LDkbM0M (here’s the link to the video) 

Find Your Comfort 

Always remember that Jesus himself went through pain. He had been where you are and been through more pain than you could endure, ten times over. You Your never alone in this journey. I know it’s not easy and you want to give up but you must keep going. As long as you are waken up or maybe you never went to sleep, as long as you still have breath inside you; you must keep going. Your pain is not the end, your pain is an eye opener. 


Like Paul some of us are reminded every day that we are in constant pain and some of us can find the positive outlook on it, while others see it has a curse/touture. 


Mentally you must be strong, even when your body is weak, fore when the body is weak so can it trigger negative thoughts that cause you to fall right into all the discomforts in life. 

You must Find Your Comfort in the pain. Don’t just live with it and accept it, you must continue to find the root of it all. Is your pain as is the thorn in Paul? Are you accepting it to better yourself? Or have you accepted that your life was meant to be full of pain? 

Better yourself, your life, the smallest to the largest of things that need working on. This is the time to face truths that you’ve been lying to yourself about for years. What is God trying to change about you? Or in you/your life? 

Find Your Comfort… if it’s in your pajamas, then you proudly wear them and don’t feel guilty or worry about what others think. You have to think of yourself now. You are the one enduring the pain, not them. True friends and family that truly love you, will be right by your side and won’t judge you. Anyone who looks down on you, is not for you. Keep people around that allow you to feel peace, happiness and tranquility. 

Most importantly have people around you that motivate you to be a better you. Remember that you won’t see a difference unless you try. The pain may be there always, so if you’re going to hurt anyways, you might as well do what you enjoy. At least then you have a reason to why you’re in pain. Find Your Comfort. 




Anxiety & Depression 

I know everyone story is different on how we became apart of this mental health illness movement. Mine started way before I even knew it would impact my life the way it has. 

I knew about depression before I could walk or talk. I know you may be wondering what I mean, let me explain. When I was born my mom suffered with major depression and thinking back now I feel I was already depressed before I knew what it meant to be that. I remember the sadness I used to feel and how many times I cried myself to sleep. With that being said depression is not what kept me from doing things first, that brings me to anxiety. 

My first experience of anxiety was at a sleepover, I was so embarrassed. I started crying and freaking out. The other girls were concerned about me and not knowing what to do. I have been fighting this battle my entire life. 

Later on in life about 16, 17, the depression really kicked in when I really felt it. I had to admit to myself I was depressed and this isn’t just a teenage moment that will pass. I remember not being able to force myself to get up. Not wanting to do anything but sleep. I had started my first job and was working my butt off and having like one or two days off was not enough, I was exhausted and unhappy about where my life was heading and if that job was even worth it. 

Present Day: I had a tough night last night and today. The depression was full blast. After years of this though, I am able to work pass it more quickly now but it is not easy. 

Writing this right now is one way I am dealing with it. I want people to be aware of the reality of it all. Anxiety and Depression is very real and it affects so many even many who don’t even know that is what’s wrong or not willing to admit to themselves that is what it is. 

I spent years telling myself that is not me and I can change. Now it is apart of me and I can not change myself but I can change how I manage and deal with it. 

It always helps me when I can get my mind focused on something else other than my negative thoughts about myself. I am able to laugh tonight and even though I didn’t want to talk I wasn’t able to close myself off from everyone, and that is a good thing. 

With depression, when you don’t want to be around anyone. That is when you need to spend time with others the most. Not just anyone though. The right person or right people will have you feeling on top of the world but the wrong one will have you deeper in the dark. 

To add the pain from fibromyalgia I am exhausted and it’s amazing that I have kept it together this well. Inside I am screaming. 

Some days I break into pieces but unlike humpy-dumpy, I am able to put myself back together again. 

-Kerra Melissa Pridgen 


STAY STRONG 

Get Pass This Moment 


“You will know you made the right decision when you feel the stress leaving your body, your mind, your life.”

“It’s a funny thing this notion of faith. You’re absolutely certain God is Master of all, yet every now and again you slip into the gray area of doubt where you question God; “How could You let this happen?” May you be blessed with unshakeable and unbreakable trust in God. There is not enough room in your mind for both worry and faith. You decide. Which one is allowed to stay and which one gets the boot?”

When you’re paying attention you will always get the message you need. Yesterday I had a moment of weakness that lead me to thinking about some deep things. My night ended kind of on a rocky note but this morning I woke feeling ready to start this new day. Last night is behind me and I really knew it when I received an email with the messages that you see above. What I told my husband last night, I was unsure if I wanted to tell anyone else. But I feel that is why I am still here, God is using me, it’s up to me to tell my truth and hopefully help someone that may be feeling the same. 
My truth is… I have thought about dying my entire life. Can you imagine every day waking up not looking forward to that day? Even as a young child I wasn’t excited about life. Thinking I would grow out of it but I grew more into it. Waking up every day tired, being nervous, being scared of what was to happen. So much pressure to live up to what others expected of me. The closer I got to happiness I would always get knocked back down and I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I didn’t even know if I truly wanted to have a life. I know everyone has their own beliefs but I believe in the Lord with all my being. If it was not for him I would not have the heart to still be here. I may have moments of weakness, I may quit, I may not be anyone special in the eyes of most. But those moments of weakness make me stronger, I always try again, I mean something to those who matter. 

      I’ve suffered with depression my entire life, I was a depressed child born from a depressed woman raised in a depressive environment. My mom also says she believes my father was depressed but didn’t want to admit it (He drunk a lot)

My mom has taken medication as long as I can remember for major depression. I don’t take meds, it’s my own personal choice. When I was a teenager they tried to get me on some. I took some meds here and there but nothing I ever kept taking. I actually stopped on my own and I’ve been told that could have possibly made things worst, even though I didn’t take them for very long. I never liked how meds made me feel. It was an uneasy feeling, jittery like. Anyways… I knew how I felt when I really did feel happiness and it would feel good but it would never stick around. Just because I’m quiet and smiling even if I laugh at something funny, that doesn’t mean I’m truly happy. I can be in and apart of a moment but later when it’s over, what goes on in my mind is so unexplainable. 

     

I’m living proof that you can survive and everything will be alright if you only believe. Even when you think you can not go on, just wait a little bit longer and see what happens. 

Many have become depressed because of their pain from fibromyalgia but I have always had depression along with anxiety and it makes me question if the fibromyalgia was there always as well. I don’t know buy I know I cant believe I’m still waking up everyday and making an effort. Still I wonder what’s the point but there are points that I’m glad I didn’t miss and I was apart of. 

I may always have to live my life having moments where I want to die, but I always have and I’m 31 years old and I will continue on. I hope you will continue on with me. 


KEEP FIGHTING 

Get through this moment and see what happens next. 

Mind-Control

I don’t want to be mind controlled but I need it to stop. The constant battle in my head. 
Having all the potential in the world to do what you want and need to do but can’t. I’m lucky to accomplish the things I have to do. For example… Like existing. 

The people I love just don’t understand, everything in my mind and body is telling me I can’t. They don’t understand how I can push myself for awhile then just quit. 

A friend told me that they hate when I say I’m going to do something and I only do it for a short while then quit. I know there is much disappointment but I wrote a letter to that friend opening up in a way I normally wouldn’t, just like I’m opening up to you all today. I wrote… 

       How do you think I feel when I quit on myself time and time again? Forgive me for quitting because at least I didn’t make it The End. I have thought about dying my entire life. I know this must be shocking but it’s true even as a young child I remember, for example I used to go to my room and climb into bed, pull the covers up and cry myself to sleep asking God why? why me? why must I be here? Still to this day I’m asking those questions, trying to figure out where I’m really needed. 
It’s funny how people think I must have it easy and that I’m spoiled and lazy. They would get committed into a asylum if they had to live in my body and have my mind. 

      I’m very sane it’s just I go from thinking I’m awesome to thinking I’m a total failure within minutes. Though mostly it’s an hourly thing. So it’s my job everyday fighting with myself to believe I’m going to be alright. Which I know I will be alright but just don’t know for how long it will last. Overall I’m a calm, laid back person but there moments where the way I feel scares me. 
I fear losing my mind. I never know what I will remember. Within seconds I can forget what someone has told me. Even when having a conversation I feel like I need to write down my thoughts as the other person talks so I remember what I want to say. I lose chain of thought while talking. 
I do have moments when I’m good, I’m ok and on point. Those moments are becoming shorter. Then my moments of random panics does not help, that’s what led me to write this blog today. That and the fact I wanted to talk about it but unsure if I really wanted to talk to anyone. I was having a good day then out of no where something changed but I don’t know what. I can’t recall. All I remember is that I began thinking about I’m having one of those weird moments and no one is seeing this but there’s nothing to see. Only me freaking out trying to breathe and feeling nauseous. All that was on my mind was, how can I explain this to someone. Explain how I’m scared now to work, drive, handle money… All because my mind doesn’t work the way it used too. Yet I’m fighting to believe none of that is true and I can be the old me I once was but that me wasn’t that great neither. 
I’m tired of failing because of my mind, along with my body I am losing. But this tiny voice in my head, whispers I am winning and that’s what keeps me going until that voice fades out and I’m left fighting through years of thoughts and pain of the present. 

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