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Archive for the ‘Life of Pain’ Category

Invisible illness

Hello WildFlowers,

When explaining an invisible illness it can be difficult to put it in terms that can clearly be understood. Many may say they understand but they truly have no idea.

Unless you live it, you don’t get it.

Even people who live it don’t fully understand each other because each illness affects everyone differently.

Treatments that help some may not help others.

When you live with someone who is suffering you see a up close and personal view of the struggles and you neither educate yourself and be supportive or get frustrated and make the person feel even worse. It’s a difficult life to live especially when you’re still young and people look at you and don’t see sick, they see you as being healthy.

If you’re not dying or on a boat load of medication/prescription drugs they don’t believe anything’s wrong with you. When you are trying to conserve your energy and you’ve changed your life to work for you, they think you’re lazy. Think you’ve given up or not trying hard enough to get better.

People tend to not except my truth, they think it’s bullshit and I’m full of excuses.

People will never see me on the outside as I feel on the inside. They will never believe me until it’s too late.

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Confession Sunday

Hello WildFlowers

It’s Sunday and I know I should not be worried about tomorrow but I am a bit. Part of me had a plan of calling or going up there to the job and do what I have to do to get it. The other “parts” of me Ms. Anxiety and Ms. Depression along with Queen Fibro, they have caused me to question everything. Friday day I got muscle spasms after using the bathroom. The muscle spasms lasted the rest of the day and night. I thought going to sleep, it would help relax my body, but that didn’t help at all.

Queen Fibro, she’s whispering in my ear making me question if I can really do this. Along with Ms. Anxiety questioning everything that could go wrong. How will I explain all the years I’ve been out of work. Ms. Depression is telling me to just keep working at doing my writing, crocheting or knitting.

I fear reaching out. I told myself I will wait to see if I get a phone call Monday. Hopeful that since I’ve been a assistant manager before despite being out of work for years, I will get a call for an interview.

I regret not printing out my resume but honestly, I don’t really know how much I want this. I’m so conflicted, I need money, I should have money, I fear failing, I fear being fired, I be leaving another job. I’ve done it so much in my past that what will make it different now. I’m older and in more pain now so it’s even harder to want to do it.

I want a career. I don’t want to get stuck at some job. Unlike most people I know I won’t me able to work a job and still focus on trying to build a career. All my focus will go to just trying to do that one job, which isn’t even worth it. It will put a little something in my pocket and keep people off my back about not working. It would hopefully take my guilt away.

The thing is I feel I’m still not doing it for myself despite wanting some money. Money has never been my driving force to anything.

I’m so messed up. I have to stop thinking about this now before I go into a panic attack.

Have a wonderful restful day.

Edge of the Cliff

Hi, WildFlowers

Hope you all are feeling better than me today. Today I feel so sad, crying and I’m tired. I’m tired and I haven’t even done anything. I don’t even feel like trying to explain what I’m feeling in my body right now. All day long. It’s been a tough few months. Day after day. When the new day starts I’m woke, when the day is moving along I am still, in bed trying to get sleep. By night fall I’m wide awoke again most of the time. There are times that I stay up and try to keep myself busy but with the proper rest, I feel sick.

I feel like nothing I eat or drink agrees with me. To be honest I really don’t want to eat anymore. I try to go as long as I can and not eat. I’m tried of drinking and going to the bathroom. I guess I’m just tried of what is called my life.

One of the most frustrating things are, when you’ve told your family and friends you have fibromyalgia, you have told them all the symptoms even printed them out for them to see and read. Constantly talking about it and explaining. Then when you don’t feel well and they ask what’s wrong, you tell them what you’re feeling and they ask you why are you feeling that way or what did you do. Oh how crazy it is you feel that way etc…

In that moment I feel as if no one cares and of course no one understands. The crap just happens and I don’t know why. It’s like they don’t care to keep that information in their head of What fibromyalgia does to someone. They have no clue.

No one wants to hear about how I feel but then they tell me about their aches and pains as if their pain is more relevant than mine. Don’t forget about the age. People older feel they have a right to feel the way they do and wonder what’s my reason or how, why, would be aching and joints popping, I’m too young to be feeling that way etc…

Failure at Life 

It’s a little after five in the morning and I been up since yesterday, I can’t sleep. I’m crying still thinking of things said to me yesterday. 

I’m going to move on from it but it will always remain with me as a weight on my back. 

No one understands me and they all think they know me, it’s laughable. 

Here’s some things said to me yesterday by my mother, FYI she has major depression sees a therapist and psychologist and takes prescription drugs for it among other things. 

The first statement was said to me after she asked me a question but knew i was about to get started up and she wanted to stop me. This happens a lot because she can’t handle my truth and the way I see things and she doesn’t like when I remind her of my childhood. Yes she did the very best she could but she fails to realize I did my very best as well and that’s what I continue to do, my best without having a nervous breakdown and ending up being admitted into a hospital. 

“No I’m sorry I asked. Nope, I don’t want to hear what you have to say. I know whatever you’re about to say is going to be stupid.” 

These statements were said when I explained how I don’t agree with taking drugs. As if I’m going to pop a pill and it’s going to motivate me to want to live in this world. As if it’s going to make me a entirely different person. It’s going to make me look at life so much better and I’m going to be so happy and nothing will ever bother me or worry me again. 

“So when are you going to fix yourself?” 

“When are you going to get help?” 

This statement here I didn’t even understand. I guess life and living is about money. If I was working no matter how much I make, no matter how I feel, it would make people look at me as a better person. 

“It’s not that you’re unimportant, it’s that you don’t stay at a job for very long.” 

I’ve worked many jobs, longest time was eleven months. Every job I worked extremely hard, gave it my all. Mostly retail jobs but also some working with food. The most I ever got paid an hour was $9.50. Still living at home at the time I had to help pay bills. So it was impossible for me to save anything. I didn’t see how I would ever get enough money to get my own car or my own place to stay. I remember my mom told me that I wouldn’t be able to make it on my own or afford it. I only got praised when I was doing what I was told or she was in a loving, caring mood. 

Growing up life for me became more difficult every day. 

She hates when I say, “Well you wanted to have kids.” Or “I didn’t ask to be born.” 

I think it’s wrong for people to become parents and think that them doing what they think is the best they could do is good enough and after 18 years old sometimes sooner, that now it’s the child who has to figure out life from there. Being told “I didn’t have anyone to tell me how to do things or explain it to me. I had to figure it out on my own.” 

Wow, it’s just wrong. At some point the chain has to be broken. I love my mom so much but she should not have had me. I should not be here. 

I believe when I was born, both my parents were depressed and it got worst. My entire life I have been trying to fix myself. I’ve been trying to fit in. I’ve been trying to live as others do. My entire life I have not wanted to be here. 

I apologize for being a disappointment and not trying hard enough. Not being able to be someone who they can brag about. 

It’s not that I’m lazy I just can’t handle all the stress in the world. Stress of working and stress at home it is just too much for me. It’s not that I want someone to support me it’s just I’m already working overtime tending to my mind, body and soul. The sad part is I believe I’m failing at that as well. 

Life Changer 

Today I read a message that was sent to me and it like many others I’ve received. It’s full of hope about being “cured” about making life better, having a life without pain. The funny thing is I’m not in pain right now as I’m writing this but like any other day that could change at any moment. I wanted to share the message with you all and share my response. I hope I do not offend the person who sent me the message but I dislike people who send me messages of wanting to talk to me about something that will fix me, as if I’m broken. Well they stated that it’s something that will give me my life back. The one problem with that is unlike others, this is the only life I’ve known. It hasn’t been any better or any worst. It just is what it is. Everyone with or without a chronic illness will have good and bad days, they will also want to vent or complain a bit. My life is what it is and even with chronic pain I don’t know what I would be doing differently. My pain isn’t what has stopped me, many other factors in my life have kept me from succeeding. I was on a downward spiral on an never ending roller-coaster and fibromyalgia forced me to stop and examine my life and realize I had many habits that needed to stop. My pain is a wake up call, a reminder of I’m still not the person I should be. 

If mentally I’m the same person and I spend money to buy any and everything that could make me feel better, for how long will it work? Won’t I become depended on it? What happens if I can’t get it anymore? 

I may not always be smiling and hopeful for my down days don’t last as long as they used too. Mentally I’m much stronger now than I’ve ever been. My body is forcing me to make changes but I want to be able to find a way that doesn’t have me buying some special kind of product regardless if it’s “healthy” or “natural” I have a long way to go. Financially I want to start with the basics such as the food I eat, getting enough sleep and being as active as I can. Until I’m able to get those things under control I’m not wasting money. I need free solutions for my life. I know many will argue that it’s worth it but I don’t agree. I want to just be able to buy fresh vegetables or grow my own and eat without worrying that it’s going to make me sick. I want to be able to have a drug-free life. I made it to age 33 I think I can make it many more years. (Just how I feel about my life) 

Message Sent:  “HI Melissa, How are you going? I kind of feel like that is a silly question as I just read your current blog (from the 10th). I wanted to connect as I have a large circle of people around me with Fibromyalgia and we have found something that has given them their lives back. Sounds crazy and impossible, I know! They all think the same things 😂 If you would like to connect, and learn more, please feel free to get in contact with me. I would love to skype/face time and find out more about you. Take care.”

My response: Hi, financially I can not buy anything to try in hopes it will magically make me feel better. The difference from me and others is, other people had a life they loved before fibromyalgia and have a point that they wish to get back to. Since I was young I’ve lived with anxiety and depression and the fibromyalgia came later, which I feel I maybe always had. I don’t have a life to get back. I just have the life that I live. I’m still here and still going, I don’t look at my pain as a life stopper, I feel it’s been a life changer for the better. It sucks and it is very painful at times but I don’t like being told that there is some fix all product. If there is why be so secret about it. Give me something to post and let everyone know about this wonderful thing that will give them there lives back. Thank you take care. 

Need My Sunglasses 🕶 

I was going to check the mailbox, I open the door and as I stood in front of the screen door the small amount of natural sunlight hit me. I hadn’t even stepped foot on the porch yet and I felt I was being electric ⚡️ shocked. It hurt so sharp across my forehead, around my eyes. This feeling was different, I hadn’t felt this pain before. Going outside with the sun shining has been difficult but I was able to just squint my eyes and bare it. Eventually my eyes adjust. Today though I was caused pain that I couldn’t endure and squinting my eyes didn’t matter. Matter of fact I didn’t even squint my eyes, I closed them and had to turn away from the door.  

It affected me. I quickly told my husband and said, “I need my sunglasses, I need my sunglasses.” 


I have no idea if it was a migraine issue or not because no other light had caused that pain all day, it wasn’t until I was looking out the glass of the door when I felt the pain. 

I put on my sunglasses and walked outside. The sunglasses helped right away and the pain eased off. It was difficult for me to get pass the pain I had felt though. When I feel a new pain it always makes me sad because I don’t want to add to the list, I want to eliminate it. 
Another day living with my invisible illness. 

Extra Weight 

I don’t know if I’m the only one who has put on extra pounds since the symptoms of fibromyalgia kicked in. Over the past years I’ve tried, done my best to keep a workout routine and I always end up finding reasons to stop, other than the pain. I get really bored and of course not having someone to workout with, but not having someone with the same energy, attitude, and of course someone that I really like. 

To other people I may not look any different and I’ve never been a skinny or slim person but I see and feel the difference. It was not just the number on the scale that bothered me. Recently my knees have been bothering me to the point I sometimes feel they will give out on me. It started with my left, and sometimes it’s my right knee. The ache or pain catches me off guard and I have to catch myself as if my leg is giving out. My breathing has gotten heavier and I give out of breath easier. If that wasn’t enough. One morning I wake up and I see my stomach, I notice streach marks on my stomach! I have not had any babies so I should not have streach marks on my stomach. I knew I had gained weight but not to that point. At this point I’m telling myself the same thing I’ve always told myself, you have to do something about this. Having depression and anxiety both make it difficult to find motivation to do anything. Clothes have gotten tighter, everything is uncomfortable and I refuse to go up a size. I will get back to where I was and hopefully go down a size. 

Okay I’m rambling on, I’ll get to the point of this post. I came across this video on YouTube and the guy doing the video was a little comical which caught my attention, but also the fact it seemed easy enough. I told myself I would try it. 

When I woke this morning feeling like doing nothing. Throat seemed swollen and sore. I’m trying not to gag. I had my cup of coffee then endured brushing my teeth without gagging up a lung. Afterwards, I don’t know what came over me. I made the choice in my head that I was going to try this workout. So I did. 

Ok everyone I had the slowest moment in history, dumbest mistake. I get started with the workout. I open the clock app on my phone and set timer for 30 seconds but I do not look at the other columns and hit the start button and I begin to walk as fast as I can back and forth. I’m thinking to myself this is the longest 30 seconds ever, it shouldn’t be taking this long. I keep going and going. Finally the alarm sounds and I look down and I see why it took so long. It was set to 15 minutes and 30 seconds. I couldn’t believe I had did this to myself. My mind could not register that I needed to stop because it was wrong. I had a second or two when I knew something wasn’t right but my mind could not figure out why. That makes me sad and I feel like I’m losing the function to comprehend but on the positive side of things, I got a nice workout. I finished up the right way. I was to do the quick workout  four times but since I had added that 15 minutes to it, I figured I would say I had done enough for now. 


https://youtu.be/Zsr3LDkbM0M (here’s the link to the video) 

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