365 Days of Fibromyalgia

Archive for the ‘Never Give Up’ Category

Find Your Comfort 

Always remember that Jesus himself went through pain. He had been where you are and been through more pain than you could endure, ten times over. You Your never alone in this journey. I know it’s not easy and you want to give up but you must keep going. As long as you are waken up or maybe you never went to sleep, as long as you still have breath inside you; you must keep going. Your pain is not the end, your pain is an eye opener. 


Like Paul some of us are reminded every day that we are in constant pain and some of us can find the positive outlook on it, while others see it has a curse/touture. 


Mentally you must be strong, even when your body is weak, fore when the body is weak so can it trigger negative thoughts that cause you to fall right into all the discomforts in life. 

You must Find Your Comfort in the pain. Don’t just live with it and accept it, you must continue to find the root of it all. Is your pain as is the thorn in Paul? Are you accepting it to better yourself? Or have you accepted that your life was meant to be full of pain? 

Better yourself, your life, the smallest to the largest of things that need working on. This is the time to face truths that you’ve been lying to yourself about for years. What is God trying to change about you? Or in you/your life? 

Find Your Comfort… if it’s in your pajamas, then you proudly wear them and don’t feel guilty or worry about what others think. You have to think of yourself now. You are the one enduring the pain, not them. True friends and family that truly love you, will be right by your side and won’t judge you. Anyone who looks down on you, is not for you. Keep people around that allow you to feel peace, happiness and tranquility. 

Most importantly have people around you that motivate you to be a better you. Remember that you won’t see a difference unless you try. The pain may be there always, so if you’re going to hurt anyways, you might as well do what you enjoy. At least then you have a reason to why you’re in pain. Find Your Comfort. 




Anxiety & Depression 

I know everyone story is different on how we became apart of this mental health illness movement. Mine started way before I even knew it would impact my life the way it has. 

I knew about depression before I could walk or talk. I know you may be wondering what I mean, let me explain. When I was born my mom suffered with major depression and thinking back now I feel I was already depressed before I knew what it meant to be that. I remember the sadness I used to feel and how many times I cried myself to sleep. With that being said depression is not what kept me from doing things first, that brings me to anxiety. 

My first experience of anxiety was at a sleepover, I was so embarrassed. I started crying and freaking out. The other girls were concerned about me and not knowing what to do. I have been fighting this battle my entire life. 

Later on in life about 16, 17, the depression really kicked in when I really felt it. I had to admit to myself I was depressed and this isn’t just a teenage moment that will pass. I remember not being able to force myself to get up. Not wanting to do anything but sleep. I had started my first job and was working my butt off and having like one or two days off was not enough, I was exhausted and unhappy about where my life was heading and if that job was even worth it. 

Present Day: I had a tough night last night and today. The depression was full blast. After years of this though, I am able to work pass it more quickly now but it is not easy. 

Writing this right now is one way I am dealing with it. I want people to be aware of the reality of it all. Anxiety and Depression is very real and it affects so many even many who don’t even know that is what’s wrong or not willing to admit to themselves that is what it is. 

I spent years telling myself that is not me and I can change. Now it is apart of me and I can not change myself but I can change how I manage and deal with it. 

It always helps me when I can get my mind focused on something else other than my negative thoughts about myself. I am able to laugh tonight and even though I didn’t want to talk I wasn’t able to close myself off from everyone, and that is a good thing. 

With depression, when you don’t want to be around anyone. That is when you need to spend time with others the most. Not just anyone though. The right person or right people will have you feeling on top of the world but the wrong one will have you deeper in the dark. 

To add the pain from fibromyalgia I am exhausted and it’s amazing that I have kept it together this well. Inside I am screaming. 

Some days I break into pieces but unlike humpy-dumpy, I am able to put myself back together again. 

-Kerra Melissa Pridgen 


STAY STRONG 

Get Pass This Moment 


“You will know you made the right decision when you feel the stress leaving your body, your mind, your life.”

“It’s a funny thing this notion of faith. You’re absolutely certain God is Master of all, yet every now and again you slip into the gray area of doubt where you question God; “How could You let this happen?” May you be blessed with unshakeable and unbreakable trust in God. There is not enough room in your mind for both worry and faith. You decide. Which one is allowed to stay and which one gets the boot?”

When you’re paying attention you will always get the message you need. Yesterday I had a moment of weakness that lead me to thinking about some deep things. My night ended kind of on a rocky note but this morning I woke feeling ready to start this new day. Last night is behind me and I really knew it when I received an email with the messages that you see above. What I told my husband last night, I was unsure if I wanted to tell anyone else. But I feel that is why I am still here, God is using me, it’s up to me to tell my truth and hopefully help someone that may be feeling the same. 
My truth is… I have thought about dying my entire life. Can you imagine every day waking up not looking forward to that day? Even as a young child I wasn’t excited about life. Thinking I would grow out of it but I grew more into it. Waking up every day tired, being nervous, being scared of what was to happen. So much pressure to live up to what others expected of me. The closer I got to happiness I would always get knocked back down and I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I didn’t even know if I truly wanted to have a life. I know everyone has their own beliefs but I believe in the Lord with all my being. If it was not for him I would not have the heart to still be here. I may have moments of weakness, I may quit, I may not be anyone special in the eyes of most. But those moments of weakness make me stronger, I always try again, I mean something to those who matter. 

      I’ve suffered with depression my entire life, I was a depressed child born from a depressed woman raised in a depressive environment. My mom also says she believes my father was depressed but didn’t want to admit it (He drunk a lot)

My mom has taken medication as long as I can remember for major depression. I don’t take meds, it’s my own personal choice. When I was a teenager they tried to get me on some. I took some meds here and there but nothing I ever kept taking. I actually stopped on my own and I’ve been told that could have possibly made things worst, even though I didn’t take them for very long. I never liked how meds made me feel. It was an uneasy feeling, jittery like. Anyways… I knew how I felt when I really did feel happiness and it would feel good but it would never stick around. Just because I’m quiet and smiling even if I laugh at something funny, that doesn’t mean I’m truly happy. I can be in and apart of a moment but later when it’s over, what goes on in my mind is so unexplainable. 

     

I’m living proof that you can survive and everything will be alright if you only believe. Even when you think you can not go on, just wait a little bit longer and see what happens. 

Many have become depressed because of their pain from fibromyalgia but I have always had depression along with anxiety and it makes me question if the fibromyalgia was there always as well. I don’t know buy I know I cant believe I’m still waking up everyday and making an effort. Still I wonder what’s the point but there are points that I’m glad I didn’t miss and I was apart of. 

I may always have to live my life having moments where I want to die, but I always have and I’m 31 years old and I will continue on. I hope you will continue on with me. 


KEEP FIGHTING 

Get through this moment and see what happens next. 

Doubts About Life 

   
Sometime last night my mind filled up with thoughts of doubt. I questioned my choice of wanting to be an author, some may say I am one but I sure don’t feel like one; whatever that’s suppose to feel like. I don’t have a “fan base” I don’t have people eager to read my work. But one thing I could proudly admit to myself is that I am for sure a writer, that I can claim. But if asked Writer of what? I know then again I don’t know how to answer that. I am a writer of emotions…

My health struggles along with me trying to pursue a dream and not wanting to get stuck at some died end job… I feel I haven’t contributed to anything for a long time. I haven’t worked in years and God bless my husband for understanding even though I know it’s not easy for him. So many times I think he’s going to leave me for some woman who works all the time, yes that is what I don’t contribute… Money. 

So many people try to figure out what will make them the most money, while I’m trying to figure out what will make me the most happy. 

We all have our gifts, talents, strengths and we are meant to help one another. If we were all good at the same things, we wouldn’t need anyone. My husband is better at working to make money, the amount of money he makes I have never made in my life. I would have to have 2 or more jobs or work overtime to be able to take care of myself the way he takes care of us both. God truly loves me to bless me in this way. 

I’m better at…see that’s my problem I don’t know what I’m better at. 

I was thinking maybe I was meant to be a wife and hopefully a mother one day, a true homemaker, they don’t make them like they used to. I’m good at loving, encouraging, being nurturing, being understanding, listening, very opinionated, artsy, and so forth. 

I’m a highly sensitive, emotional, straight-forward, laid back person. I enjoy knowing how people think and how they feel on deeper levels, I enjoy when others open up to me. What can I do? 

At age 31 is it too late for me to become a therapist? 

I don’t think about where the next dollar will come from, I think about the next day that I’m given…how can I make the best of it. 

I woke up this morning feeling as if I was suffocating, I sat up trying to catch my breath and decided it was time to start my day. I felt some of those doubts had eased away and I wanted to write this and share how I was feeling. Today I will continue to work on feeling like an author. Looking down on this paper of this story I’m writing… I thought to myself, I’ve come to far to turn back now or give up.

  

Healing… 

    
Time heals almost everything given the time.

Waking from a dream about me lying in a hospital bed with a tube giving me oxygen, I was preparing to go in for some sort of surgery I guess on my heart. I was giving my last words to the ones I love just in case I didn’t make it through. After I spoke to the last person, I woke up. After waking up I checked my email and I had one from http://prayables.org and it read: 

Where there’s a will – there’s a way. When you want something so bad that nothing will deter you – you are willing it to happen. Not so with wishing; willing’s meek and mousy cousin. May you be blessed to use the full force of your will today. Boldly state “THERE WILL BE HEALING!” avoid phrases that even have the mildest hint of a wishy-washy wish. Use your spiritual authority – it works.” 

Now what really stood out for me in this message was the bold all caps “THERE WILL BE HEALING!” and where there’s a will, there’s a way. This meant so much to me because I chose one word to live by this year and that one word is Healing. Because that is what I need the most, is too be healed, in any way. It is said that God will speak to us through anything and He spoke to me through this message this morning. 

Now I’m going to show you why I think I had that dream and show you how Real My God is… Check out these pictures of my blood pressure results and you explain how I’m walking around, talking or even breathing. I choose to believe it’s God, He is the one who wakes me up in the morning and through His strength I’m able to carry on. On this day when I checked my BP I felt ok, truly a “silent killer” I had no idea it would be that high. This is one reason why I need HEALING.  

   
 
I’m starting to think I’m SUPER HUMAN, how is this possible… Anything is possible with the Lord. 
 
“Be gentle with yourself. You’re doing the best you can. That’s what God expects of you: 100% effort to your own abilities. The resuts may not always be what you’d like them to be. Take an honest assessment of whether or not you gave it your all, if the answer is yes– relax. May God bless you with inner peace for a job well done.” —http://prayables.org 

Took Myself for Granted 

Part of me that I used to be, I wish I could get back. Thinking back on years of my life, I took so much for granted. So many things I used to do with ease now takes so much effort to accomplish. 
I did all the wrong things and was focused on the wrong things, I failed myself. 

Wish I could get back my energy I had, get back my hopes and those dreams I had. Wish I had of pushed myself through those tough times; so my days now wouldn’t be so rough. 

Now I want to push but there are limits and I keep feeling as if I’m getting pulled back and can’t get loose to move forward. I’m stuck in this whirlwind of pain. 

I think back on all the opportunities that I had that could’ve helped me down the line but I was quick to give up and I gave up on things too soon. 
My depression grew and days became tougher, it was hard for me to function with life itself. I had so much fear, anger and sadness that I was lost. 
Today I know I’m better than I was and wiser. I wish I had of had my way of thinking now back then and some direction on what was best for me. Everyone knew what was best for me based on what was best for them, but I didn’t know myself enough nor did I understand who I was. I just wanted to be happy and feel truly loved and nothing I did made me happy and being loved meant I wanted someone to understand me, listen to me (hear me). 
I was confused about being me verses being the right person for others. Trying to make others happy and conform to what was best for them. Whatever I had to do to keep the “peace” to keep them from disliking me and so forth. 
Today I don’t care what people think anymore. I have to follow my heart and do what’s best for me and I know what that is now. I have to make myself happy no matter if that means I will be left alone. And that’s another thing I grew to enjoy time alone. If I didn’t have time alone I wouldn’t be able to write blogs like this one.   

So much of my past is still in me, and I’m working on letting go. But so much of the new me is allowing me to embrace this life I have and I may have limits to what I can do, still I’m going to do as much as I can and take care of me. 

I’m grateful for myself. 

  

Challenge My Fibro Body : week 7

Challenge My Fibro Body : week 7

July 6, 2015
Spent my day with my husband and there were a lot of laughs, so the day went well.

July 7, 2015
“The tragedy of life is not death. It’s what you let die inside of you while you’re living. Is your youthful spirit still alive? Are you still fascinated by…anything and everything? May you be blessed to start each day fully alive in body, mind, and soul.”

When I saw this and read it( it really touched me. I feel like I start each day off “half-dead” because of all this pain.

I rode somewhere, and then back home to relax. I spent my day crocheting and doing the normal things I do.

July 8, 2015
Late last night my back became sore, then felt as if it was going to spasm luckily it didn’t but the pain increased. This morning it’s still sore and I feel like crap. It is week seven I been trying to get back on track by challenging my body, and right now my body is winning this battle. I have simply lost all motivation, but at least mentally I’m still somewhat hopeful and positive. My body just doesn’t want to play nice, and mentally I can’t seem to fight through to push myself to just workout. With other things on my mind and other things that I want to do, or need to do, have to get done and do. I get overwhelmed and I just hope that the moving around I do do is good enough and I know sometimes good enough, isn’t enough. I hope I can turn this back around soon. This is the true challenge of having chronic pain, you never know what your body is going to do and you have to fight it every day.

July 9, 2015
6:23am and I’m just now about to fall asleep.

“Throughout your whole life you have been bombarded with things that are wrong with you. Turn your attention around, and find out what’s right about you and what’s right about the present moment.”

July 10, 2015
“No matter how great your challenge, God is greater. May you be blessed to have a radical change in your life at the point of your need.”

“Change your life today. Don’t gamble on the future, act now, without delay.”

Even though we may not be able to take the pain away, we may be able to change the amount of pain we’re in. (hopefully) it can be tough but we have to start now, because if we don’t the future may be worst.

#FightThePain #Walk2FightFibro #ChallengeMyFibroBody 

I want to day that I feel really hopeful today and I’m moving around with ease. And to all my readers who read my blog know that I’m honest and open with what I post. Honestly I was going to keep trying at this exercise journey, but I realize today that it’s a challenge for my body everyday I wake up, if I even been to sleep. I am not lazy and I do a lot around the house for the ones I love and that is exercise for me. I’m not getting rest like I should and exercising isn’t exciting for me, I guess because I’m doing it alone. It’s just days like today I’m good but I just don’t feel the need to go outside. I’m spending my day crocheting and that makes me happy, helps me relax. I feel stressed about working out, I feel stressed about what food I should eat, stressed about I’m not doing enough. I just want to sit back and reflect on this day and put my mind at ease. To the ones who are going strong and need to workout everyday, keep up the hard work. Just for me right now, I’m going to take one day at a time and stop worrying about my weight. I started this mostly because I want to get extra weight off, and I tried to change my mind set and tell myself that I was doing it just because it made me feel better. Truthfully I think I was doing it to show and prove to others. I really don’t know anymore how much I just do for me, and not to prove others wrong. I’m tired and if me don’t love me for who I am, then I don’t need them in my life. I’m done with complaining about how I look because this is me and I’m not going to give up. I’m going to continue on a healthy path, I’m just not going to let it get me overwhelmed. I just want to live my life. (Whatever Life That Is)

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