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No matter how I feel, I seem not to be doing that bad in the eyes of others.
“Oh you’re be alright.”
It is sad and frustrating that I realized tonight, that maybe I’m doing exactly what I’m meant to do. Even though I feel I’m not doing enough, or not doing what others want me to do. I’m not doing anything that pays out enough money for me to survive.
“You do it so well.”
My mom is sick, upper respiratory infection. She has this really bad cough and a wheezing. Already been to the hospital and got prescriptions filled so I hope she will feel better sooner than later. I don’t feel good myself. I started coughing yesterday and I couldn’t believe it. I have never or I can’t remember ever having a cough like I have right now. Along with my period being on, I feel like crap and I’m trying not to be emotional.
My mom asked me if I would fix your something to eat and get her something else to drink. Deep down I wanted to say no I don’t feel like it but I didn’t. I went and got it done. I started to cry because I realized that no matter how I feel, this is what I do.
The things I do, if I didn’t do these things, who would?
Then I realized if I didn’t have my husband right now making the income, then I would have to do that as well, along with the things I already do. Of course I would like to think I would not have to, but it wouldn’t matter. No one would care I worked 8 hours or how much. It would be sayings like, “You younger than me.” Etc…
No one cares how I feel. I will be alright and I don’t do anything anyways right, so I shouldn’t be tired.
If I could just disappear when I feel like this, that would be nice.
I know everyone story is different on how we became apart of this mental health illness movement. Mine started way before I even knew it would impact my life the way it has.
I knew about depression before I could walk or talk. I know you may be wondering what I mean, let me explain. When I was born my mom suffered with major depression and thinking back now I feel I was already depressed before I knew what it meant to be that. I remember the sadness I used to feel and how many times I cried myself to sleep. With that being said depression is not what kept me from doing things first, that brings me to anxiety.
My first experience of anxiety was at a sleepover, I was so embarrassed. I started crying and freaking out. The other girls were concerned about me and not knowing what to do. I have been fighting this battle my entire life.
Later on in life about 16, 17, the depression really kicked in when I really felt it. I had to admit to myself I was depressed and this isn’t just a teenage moment that will pass. I remember not being able to force myself to get up. Not wanting to do anything but sleep. I had started my first job and was working my butt off and having like one or two days off was not enough, I was exhausted and unhappy about where my life was heading and if that job was even worth it.
Present Day: I had a tough night last night and today. The depression was full blast. After years of this though, I am able to work pass it more quickly now but it is not easy.
Writing this right now is one way I am dealing with it. I want people to be aware of the reality of it all. Anxiety and Depression is very real and it affects so many even many who don’t even know that is what’s wrong or not willing to admit to themselves that is what it is.
I spent years telling myself that is not me and I can change. Now it is apart of me and I can not change myself but I can change how I manage and deal with it.
It always helps me when I can get my mind focused on something else other than my negative thoughts about myself. I am able to laugh tonight and even though I didn’t want to talk I wasn’t able to close myself off from everyone, and that is a good thing.
With depression, when you don’t want to be around anyone. That is when you need to spend time with others the most. Not just anyone though. The right person or right people will have you feeling on top of the world but the wrong one will have you deeper in the dark.
To add the pain from fibromyalgia I am exhausted and it’s amazing that I have kept it together this well. Inside I am screaming.
Some days I break into pieces but unlike humpy-dumpy, I am able to put myself back together again.
-Kerra Melissa Pridgen
I know I have not posted a blog in a very long time. I have been dealing with over thinking and being emotional. Having to get enough rest to even be able to function. Today’s post is about a choice I have decided to make. I have turned a hobby into what I am calling a business, even if most may not see it that way. I have not made a sale yet, due to the fact I just started this. I hope to get more attention as the weather becomes cooler to cold.
Crocheting was something I learned by surprise and it became something I really enjoy. When I saw the finish item when it’s done, I amazed myself at what I had made. To make something with your hands that has a purpose, a use, it is a great feeling.
I had the thought but it wasn’t until my husband saw me crocheting and then he said.
“That right there is your business. You can sale your crocheting. You do such a great job at it.”
I smiled and it felt good. I told him if he believes in me and will back me up and help me get the word out to people, then I will do it. It’s easier when you have people believe in you and want to see you succeed.
You have to really use your resources around you when living on a budget you have to start cheap to almost free and hope for the best until you actually start making money.
I don’t have the money to set up a vendor or anything, so to the internet I go. I have a free web store set up and have set up on etsy.com. I know how it is to not have money so I am not putting huge prices on my work but crocheting does take a lot of time and works my hands hard. Plus to be able to ship/mail I need to price it enough. I just want to be successful at something I enjoy doing. I can’t wait to make my first sale. Even if it’s only one, I will still be proud of myself.
So even if you don’t buy, please help me spread the word. Just share my websites. I will greatly appreciate it.
“In generations past, crafts like sewing, knitting and quilting were a matter of necessity. Today the same tasks are more likely to be hobbies for pleasure. Yet there is something Godly about putting your hands to work and bringing new beauty to the world. May you be blessed with skillful hands and a loving heart. Create, and honor creation.”
I don’t want to be mind controlled but I need it to stop. The constant battle in my head.
Having all the potential in the world to do what you want and need to do but can’t. I’m lucky to accomplish the things I have to do. For example… Like existing.
The people I love just don’t understand, everything in my mind and body is telling me I can’t. They don’t understand how I can push myself for awhile then just quit.
A friend told me that they hate when I say I’m going to do something and I only do it for a short while then quit. I know there is much disappointment but I wrote a letter to that friend opening up in a way I normally wouldn’t, just like I’m opening up to you all today. I wrote…
How do you think I feel when I quit on myself time and time again? Forgive me for quitting because at least I didn’t make it The End. I have thought about dying my entire life. I know this must be shocking but it’s true even as a young child I remember, for example I used to go to my room and climb into bed, pull the covers up and cry myself to sleep asking God why? why me? why must I be here? Still to this day I’m asking those questions, trying to figure out where I’m really needed.
It’s funny how people think I must have it easy and that I’m spoiled and lazy. They would get committed into a asylum if they had to live in my body and have my mind.
I’m very sane it’s just I go from thinking I’m awesome to thinking I’m a total failure within minutes. Though mostly it’s an hourly thing. So it’s my job everyday fighting with myself to believe I’m going to be alright. Which I know I will be alright but just don’t know for how long it will last. Overall I’m a calm, laid back person but there moments where the way I feel scares me.
I fear losing my mind. I never know what I will remember. Within seconds I can forget what someone has told me. Even when having a conversation I feel like I need to write down my thoughts as the other person talks so I remember what I want to say. I lose chain of thought while talking.
I do have moments when I’m good, I’m ok and on point. Those moments are becoming shorter. Then my moments of random panics does not help, that’s what led me to write this blog today. That and the fact I wanted to talk about it but unsure if I really wanted to talk to anyone. I was having a good day then out of no where something changed but I don’t know what. I can’t recall. All I remember is that I began thinking about I’m having one of those weird moments and no one is seeing this but there’s nothing to see. Only me freaking out trying to breathe and feeling nauseous. All that was on my mind was, how can I explain this to someone. Explain how I’m scared now to work, drive, handle money… All because my mind doesn’t work the way it used too. Yet I’m fighting to believe none of that is true and I can be the old me I once was but that me wasn’t that great neither.
I’m tired of failing because of my mind, along with my body I am losing. But this tiny voice in my head, whispers I am winning and that’s what keeps me going until that voice fades out and I’m left fighting through years of thoughts and pain of the present.