I know everyone story is different on how we became apart of this mental health illness movement. Mine started way before I even knew it would impact my life the way it has.
I knew about depression before I could walk or talk. I know you may be wondering what I mean, let me explain. When I was born my mom suffered with major depression and thinking back now I feel I was already depressed before I knew what it meant to be that. I remember the sadness I used to feel and how many times I cried myself to sleep. With that being said depression is not what kept me from doing things first, that brings me to anxiety.
My first experience of anxiety was at a sleepover, I was so embarrassed. I started crying and freaking out. The other girls were concerned about me and not knowing what to do. I have been fighting this battle my entire life.
Later on in life about 16, 17, the depression really kicked in when I really felt it. I had to admit to myself I was depressed and this isn’t just a teenage moment that will pass. I remember not being able to force myself to get up. Not wanting to do anything but sleep. I had started my first job and was working my butt off and having like one or two days off was not enough, I was exhausted and unhappy about where my life was heading and if that job was even worth it.
Present Day: I had a tough night last night and today. The depression was full blast. After years of this though, I am able to work pass it more quickly now but it is not easy.
Writing this right now is one way I am dealing with it. I want people to be aware of the reality of it all. Anxiety and Depression is very real and it affects so many even many who don’t even know that is what’s wrong or not willing to admit to themselves that is what it is.
I spent years telling myself that is not me and I can change. Now it is apart of me and I can not change myself but I can change how I manage and deal with it.
It always helps me when I can get my mind focused on something else other than my negative thoughts about myself. I am able to laugh tonight and even though I didn’t want to talk I wasn’t able to close myself off from everyone, and that is a good thing.
With depression, when you don’t want to be around anyone. That is when you need to spend time with others the most. Not just anyone though. The right person or right people will have you feeling on top of the world but the wrong one will have you deeper in the dark.
To add the pain from fibromyalgia I am exhausted and it’s amazing that I have kept it together this well. Inside I am screaming.
Some days I break into pieces but unlike humpy-dumpy, I am able to put myself back together again.
-Kerra Melissa Pridgen
I know I have not posted a blog in a very long time. I have been dealing with over thinking and being emotional. Having to get enough rest to even be able to function. Today’s post is about a choice I have decided to make. I have turned a hobby into what I am calling a business, even if most may not see it that way. I have not made a sale yet, due to the fact I just started this. I hope to get more attention as the weather becomes cooler to cold.
Crocheting was something I learned by surprise and it became something I really enjoy. When I saw the finish item when it’s done, I amazed myself at what I had made. To make something with your hands that has a purpose, a use, it is a great feeling.
I had the thought but it wasn’t until my husband saw me crocheting and then he said.
“That right there is your business. You can sale your crocheting. You do such a great job at it.”
I smiled and it felt good. I told him if he believes in me and will back me up and help me get the word out to people, then I will do it. It’s easier when you have people believe in you and want to see you succeed.
You have to really use your resources around you when living on a budget you have to start cheap to almost free and hope for the best until you actually start making money.
I don’t have the money to set up a vendor or anything, so to the internet I go. I have a free web store set up and have set up on etsy.com. I know how it is to not have money so I am not putting huge prices on my work but crocheting does take a lot of time and works my hands hard. Plus to be able to ship/mail I need to price it enough. I just want to be successful at something I enjoy doing. I can’t wait to make my first sale. Even if it’s only one, I will still be proud of myself.
So even if you don’t buy, please help me spread the word. Just share my websites. I will greatly appreciate it.
“In generations past, crafts like sewing, knitting and quilting were a matter of necessity. Today the same tasks are more likely to be hobbies for pleasure. Yet there is something Godly about putting your hands to work and bringing new beauty to the world. May you be blessed with skillful hands and a loving heart. Create, and honor creation.”
“It’s a funny thing this notion of faith. You’re absolutely certain God is Master of all, yet every now and again you slip into the gray area of doubt where you question God; “How could You let this happen?” May you be blessed with unshakeable and unbreakable trust in God. There is not enough room in your mind for both worry and faith. You decide. Which one is allowed to stay and which one gets the boot?”
When you’re paying attention you will always get the message you need. Yesterday I had a moment of weakness that lead me to thinking about some deep things. My night ended kind of on a rocky note but this morning I woke feeling ready to start this new day. Last night is behind me and I really knew it when I received an email with the messages that you see above. What I told my husband last night, I was unsure if I wanted to tell anyone else. But I feel that is why I am still here, God is using me, it’s up to me to tell my truth and hopefully help someone that may be feeling the same.
My truth is… I have thought about dying my entire life. Can you imagine every day waking up not looking forward to that day? Even as a young child I wasn’t excited about life. Thinking I would grow out of it but I grew more into it. Waking up every day tired, being nervous, being scared of what was to happen. So much pressure to live up to what others expected of me. The closer I got to happiness I would always get knocked back down and I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I didn’t even know if I truly wanted to have a life. I know everyone has their own beliefs but I believe in the Lord with all my being. If it was not for him I would not have the heart to still be here. I may have moments of weakness, I may quit, I may not be anyone special in the eyes of most. But those moments of weakness make me stronger, I always try again, I mean something to those who matter.
I’ve suffered with depression my entire life, I was a depressed child born from a depressed woman raised in a depressive environment. My mom also says she believes my father was depressed but didn’t want to admit it (He drunk a lot)
My mom has taken medication as long as I can remember for major depression. I don’t take meds, it’s my own personal choice. When I was a teenager they tried to get me on some. I took some meds here and there but nothing I ever kept taking. I actually stopped on my own and I’ve been told that could have possibly made things worst, even though I didn’t take them for very long. I never liked how meds made me feel. It was an uneasy feeling, jittery like. Anyways… I knew how I felt when I really did feel happiness and it would feel good but it would never stick around. Just because I’m quiet and smiling even if I laugh at something funny, that doesn’t mean I’m truly happy. I can be in and apart of a moment but later when it’s over, what goes on in my mind is so unexplainable.
I’m living proof that you can survive and everything will be alright if you only believe. Even when you think you can not go on, just wait a little bit longer and see what happens.
Many have become depressed because of their pain from fibromyalgia but I have always had depression along with anxiety and it makes me question if the fibromyalgia was there always as well. I don’t know buy I know I cant believe I’m still waking up everyday and making an effort. Still I wonder what’s the point but there are points that I’m glad I didn’t miss and I was apart of.
I may always have to live my life having moments where I want to die, but I always have and I’m 31 years old and I will continue on. I hope you will continue on with me.
Get through this moment and see what happens next.
I don’t want to be mind controlled but I need it to stop. The constant battle in my head.
Having all the potential in the world to do what you want and need to do but can’t. I’m lucky to accomplish the things I have to do. For example… Like existing.
The people I love just don’t understand, everything in my mind and body is telling me I can’t. They don’t understand how I can push myself for awhile then just quit.
A friend told me that they hate when I say I’m going to do something and I only do it for a short while then quit. I know there is much disappointment but I wrote a letter to that friend opening up in a way I normally wouldn’t, just like I’m opening up to you all today. I wrote…
How do you think I feel when I quit on myself time and time again? Forgive me for quitting because at least I didn’t make it The End. I have thought about dying my entire life. I know this must be shocking but it’s true even as a young child I remember, for example I used to go to my room and climb into bed, pull the covers up and cry myself to sleep asking God why? why me? why must I be here? Still to this day I’m asking those questions, trying to figure out where I’m really needed.
It’s funny how people think I must have it easy and that I’m spoiled and lazy. They would get committed into a asylum if they had to live in my body and have my mind.
I’m very sane it’s just I go from thinking I’m awesome to thinking I’m a total failure within minutes. Though mostly it’s an hourly thing. So it’s my job everyday fighting with myself to believe I’m going to be alright. Which I know I will be alright but just don’t know for how long it will last. Overall I’m a calm, laid back person but there moments where the way I feel scares me.
I fear losing my mind. I never know what I will remember. Within seconds I can forget what someone has told me. Even when having a conversation I feel like I need to write down my thoughts as the other person talks so I remember what I want to say. I lose chain of thought while talking.
I do have moments when I’m good, I’m ok and on point. Those moments are becoming shorter. Then my moments of random panics does not help, that’s what led me to write this blog today. That and the fact I wanted to talk about it but unsure if I really wanted to talk to anyone. I was having a good day then out of no where something changed but I don’t know what. I can’t recall. All I remember is that I began thinking about I’m having one of those weird moments and no one is seeing this but there’s nothing to see. Only me freaking out trying to breathe and feeling nauseous. All that was on my mind was, how can I explain this to someone. Explain how I’m scared now to work, drive, handle money… All because my mind doesn’t work the way it used too. Yet I’m fighting to believe none of that is true and I can be the old me I once was but that me wasn’t that great neither.
I’m tired of failing because of my mind, along with my body I am losing. But this tiny voice in my head, whispers I am winning and that’s what keeps me going until that voice fades out and I’m left fighting through years of thoughts and pain of the present.
I’ve been feeling like I just want to be left alone.
One day I was having a conversation with my niece and she was speaking about how she doesn’t want nor need a boyfriend right now she’s focused on college and having a career. I’m so proud of her, doing what I couldn’t and doing what I should’ve done.
It got me thinking and I’m like I never took time to be selfish and just think about myself. I was always concerned about others. Everything I did in my life was for everyone else. It was to make them happy and to keep them off my back. The only thing I did for me was abuse myself and no one cared. No one ever stopped and asked me what was wrong, how do I feel, what’s on your mind, how can I help you, what you need for me to do. Everyone was always so selfish. One time when someone called me selfish I was taken back because I’m like I’m selfish because I want to spend time with you, I’m selfish because I want to talk to you. That made me question myself yet again, like I’m this horrible person.
Now I just want to be selfish. I want to think about me. I’ve lived my life encouraging others and never getting that encouragement back in return. Just that means I have to work that much harder to succeed. I don’t have any cheerleaders and it’s not easy trying to accomplish goals when you’re battling depression, anxiety and chronic pain everyday. I spend most of the time telling myself I can’t instead of just doing what I need to do.
When I decided I wanted to become a writer, I was still unsure. I knew I was a writer, it was in my heart but I knew it wasn’t good enough for the ones around me. I was still trying to live my life for others. Year after year I would always tell myself I’m not good enough, I need to stop, I need to get a good paying job to be able to support myself and forget about writing. Every time I tried I failed. I would always end up with paper and a pen in my hand and it was calling out to me. I was fighting against the wrong things.
The past few years life has changed me drastically. I feel I don’t fit in so when I’m around others I put on this smile, try to have the right mood. I don’t want to frown or say the wrong things. I don’t want to have to explain what’s wrong with me. I don’t what to get stared at like I’m different, I already get enough stares as it is. I just want to spend my time with the people who matter the most to me, and who it will make a difference too. People who will speak of me the right way when I’m gone, people who really know all the different sides to me. The good, the bad, the ugly. I make just enough time for those people, and the rest of the time I need for myself.
I’ve always been a homebody. I went from not wanting to be alone to wanting to be alone. I went from feeling lonely to embracing it.
I just want people to care enough to ask that one simple question… How’s your book coming along?” I want to feel proud to be a writer, I want to be confident enough to say I’m a author. I want to feel that people take me seriously and not as a joke.
I will continue to wear my smile for those who can’t handle my frown.