We are WildFlowers

Posts tagged ‘Anxiety’

Invisible illness

Hello WildFlowers,

When explaining an invisible illness it can be difficult to put it in terms that can clearly be understood. Many may say they understand but they truly have no idea.

Unless you live it, you don’t get it.

Even people who live it don’t fully understand each other because each illness affects everyone differently.

Treatments that help some may not help others.

When you live with someone who is suffering you see a up close and personal view of the struggles and you neither educate yourself and be supportive or get frustrated and make the person feel even worse. It’s a difficult life to live especially when you’re still young and people look at you and don’t see sick, they see you as being healthy.

If you’re not dying or on a boat load of medication/prescription drugs they don’t believe anything’s wrong with you. When you are trying to conserve your energy and you’ve changed your life to work for you, they think you’re lazy. Think you’ve given up or not trying hard enough to get better.

People tend to not except my truth, they think it’s bullshit and I’m full of excuses.

People will never see me on the outside as I feel on the inside. They will never believe me until it’s too late.

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Confession Sunday

Hello WildFlowers

It’s Sunday and I know I should not be worried about tomorrow but I am a bit. Part of me had a plan of calling or going up there to the job and do what I have to do to get it. The other “parts” of me Ms. Anxiety and Ms. Depression along with Queen Fibro, they have caused me to question everything. Friday day I got muscle spasms after using the bathroom. The muscle spasms lasted the rest of the day and night. I thought going to sleep, it would help relax my body, but that didn’t help at all.

Queen Fibro, she’s whispering in my ear making me question if I can really do this. Along with Ms. Anxiety questioning everything that could go wrong. How will I explain all the years I’ve been out of work. Ms. Depression is telling me to just keep working at doing my writing, crocheting or knitting.

I fear reaching out. I told myself I will wait to see if I get a phone call Monday. Hopeful that since I’ve been a assistant manager before despite being out of work for years, I will get a call for an interview.

I regret not printing out my resume but honestly, I don’t really know how much I want this. I’m so conflicted, I need money, I should have money, I fear failing, I fear being fired, I be leaving another job. I’ve done it so much in my past that what will make it different now. I’m older and in more pain now so it’s even harder to want to do it.

I want a career. I don’t want to get stuck at some job. Unlike most people I know I won’t me able to work a job and still focus on trying to build a career. All my focus will go to just trying to do that one job, which isn’t even worth it. It will put a little something in my pocket and keep people off my back about not working. It would hopefully take my guilt away.

The thing is I feel I’m still not doing it for myself despite wanting some money. Money has never been my driving force to anything.

I’m so messed up. I have to stop thinking about this now before I go into a panic attack.

Have a wonderful restful day.

Personality

At some point in my life I started looking into my zodiac sign and I am a Libra, which in most ways describe me but in others it doesn’t.

Now I know you must be wondering what am I getting at. Well for most people they have a person they used to be, things they used to do and so forth, someone they would maybe wish they could be again or not. My point in saying this is, I don’t have that. The person I am is all I’ve known all my life. I’ve lived with anxiety since I was a child, so yeah I was never a “social butterfly” I’ve always been on edge, scared and a over thinker. Like I said a lot of things show that it’s natural because of my zodiac sign I’m naturally a over thinker and prone to get depressed at times. Then a few years ago I looked into the Briggs-Myers personality test http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp (here’s a free version an example) and after doing it my results was the INFJ personality. I am an introvert, and again which this information I found out that this type of personality is somewhat rare and very “messed up” I laugh at thinking about it because that’s the best way I can explain it at the moment.

Like others with chronic illnesses I too am good at putting on a smile and being around others, but it makes me exhausted trying to not think about all that I’m feeling in that moment. I could be having fun laughing and such but still thinking about how uncomfortable I am, how much I want to take my clothes off and be back in bed, etc…

This personality also shows signs of anxiety…

Most people say that there illnesses have changed them, which may be true for the most part but for myself, I feel this has always been who I was. The anxiety, depression, fibromyalgia, caused me to become more of this person and of course I do know it has stopped me from becoming or being the person I thought or think I should be. Maybe I am who I’m supposed to be though. It sucks feeling this way but it’s all I know. I’ve always been different from the people around me and always seen things differently. Maybe I was meant to be this way so others around me can be the way they are. Maybe there is no changing me, this is me and I just want to be accepted the way I am and not looked at and made to feel like the person I am is not good enough.

I don’t want to be silent anymore or ashamed of myself. I want to speak out more and let the people around me know how I feel and that looks can be deceiving. Love me or hate me, this is me.

You take the chronic pain away and all the other symptoms and I’m left with the younger self I once knew but still with anxiety. If you take the anxiety away, then I won’t know who you would have because I don’t know that person. I know this could be debatable but I was born a baby with concerns of the world as I looked around. Created from two parents that were depressed. One who suffered from major depression and another who drunk to deal with it. I was born and surrounded by other people sadness, madness and I felt it all, all the emotions. I wasn’t the type of child to sit and play with my toys and block out the world, I watched and it all affected me in some way. I won’t go into detail of things that happened but as a child I should not have been around or known of the things that occurred. My trauma started early and never seemed to come to an end.

When Will it End

Hello, WildFlowers

I hope that you all are feeling better than I am today.

I am just coming down from having a cold. Still dealing with that a bit. Dealing with phlegm in my throat causing me to gag and be nauseous. The other day my back starts hurting. I feel the pain when I cough mostly. Also I’ve been feeling dizziness, spinning kind of feeling since the 3rd.

Today has been so weird for me. I’ve gotten used to my body doing unexplainable things but today seemed new and different. Woke up around, I can’t even remember now what time it was. Anyways, I’m sitting up on the bed and my legs are getting that “falling asleep” feeling. Almost feeling numb and not the first time this has happened maybe the second. Then lying back down I still feel this way. In my legs down to my toes.

I also feel trembling in my body which is nothing new. Heart is racing and I’m used to that, I’m trying to calm down. Try to relax but I can’t. The only other thing to do than nothing is sleeping. I can’t relax enough to even close my eyes. I hadn’t ate all day and it’s around 6pm. So with no one to ask I have to just get up and do this myself. I make a salad and as I stand things don’t feel right at all. My hands are literally trembling. I haven’t felt trembling in my hands like this before. Holding something, I could feel it shaking. If I didn’t focus on holding it and hurry to put it down I may dropped everything I was carrying.

I didn’t feel right eating but it made the trembling stop a bit. I drunk some ginger ale and then continued to sip on water.

I spoke to my mom to tell her how I was feeling just in case. When I began to talk I noticed I felt like I almost could get my words out. That freaked me out for sure, almost started to cry but held back my tears.

Ive been so worried about getting the flu, hearing about the death count on the news has me freaking out. I worried about having a stroke or heart attack. It’s crazy. I’m trying not to make myself worse with worrying. The weather keeps changing outside. Due to the fact I live in my aunt house right now, I don’t have control over the temperature in the house. It’s an older house so I’m sure the air flow in here isn’t that great. I’m always feeling as if I’m suffocating. Hot, cold, cold, hot is what I deal with.

It’s now going on 8:30pm and I still feel numbness in my toes. Aching in my legs. It’s crazy I feel like my entire body feels like a numbness, or heaviness.

Of course having anxiety, is making it that much more difficult to relax. I’m doing my best. I’m about to survive another day though.

Peace & Love.

Failure at Life 

It’s a little after five in the morning and I been up since yesterday, I can’t sleep. I’m crying still thinking of things said to me yesterday. 

I’m going to move on from it but it will always remain with me as a weight on my back. 

No one understands me and they all think they know me, it’s laughable. 

Here’s some things said to me yesterday by my mother, FYI she has major depression sees a therapist and psychologist and takes prescription drugs for it among other things. 

The first statement was said to me after she asked me a question but knew i was about to get started up and she wanted to stop me. This happens a lot because she can’t handle my truth and the way I see things and she doesn’t like when I remind her of my childhood. Yes she did the very best she could but she fails to realize I did my very best as well and that’s what I continue to do, my best without having a nervous breakdown and ending up being admitted into a hospital. 

“No I’m sorry I asked. Nope, I don’t want to hear what you have to say. I know whatever you’re about to say is going to be stupid.” 

These statements were said when I explained how I don’t agree with taking drugs. As if I’m going to pop a pill and it’s going to motivate me to want to live in this world. As if it’s going to make me a entirely different person. It’s going to make me look at life so much better and I’m going to be so happy and nothing will ever bother me or worry me again. 

“So when are you going to fix yourself?” 

“When are you going to get help?” 

This statement here I didn’t even understand. I guess life and living is about money. If I was working no matter how much I make, no matter how I feel, it would make people look at me as a better person. 

“It’s not that you’re unimportant, it’s that you don’t stay at a job for very long.” 

I’ve worked many jobs, longest time was eleven months. Every job I worked extremely hard, gave it my all. Mostly retail jobs but also some working with food. The most I ever got paid an hour was $9.50. Still living at home at the time I had to help pay bills. So it was impossible for me to save anything. I didn’t see how I would ever get enough money to get my own car or my own place to stay. I remember my mom told me that I wouldn’t be able to make it on my own or afford it. I only got praised when I was doing what I was told or she was in a loving, caring mood. 

Growing up life for me became more difficult every day. 

She hates when I say, “Well you wanted to have kids.” Or “I didn’t ask to be born.” 

I think it’s wrong for people to become parents and think that them doing what they think is the best they could do is good enough and after 18 years old sometimes sooner, that now it’s the child who has to figure out life from there. Being told “I didn’t have anyone to tell me how to do things or explain it to me. I had to figure it out on my own.” 

Wow, it’s just wrong. At some point the chain has to be broken. I love my mom so much but she should not have had me. I should not be here. 

I believe when I was born, both my parents were depressed and it got worst. My entire life I have been trying to fix myself. I’ve been trying to fit in. I’ve been trying to live as others do. My entire life I have not wanted to be here. 

I apologize for being a disappointment and not trying hard enough. Not being able to be someone who they can brag about. 

It’s not that I’m lazy I just can’t handle all the stress in the world. Stress of working and stress at home it is just too much for me. It’s not that I want someone to support me it’s just I’m already working overtime tending to my mind, body and soul. The sad part is I believe I’m failing at that as well. 

The Struggle of Change 

Speaking from my own life experience, changing ones lifestyle is not easy. For myself it’s the influence of others around me, the people I live with. It doesn’t help living with depression and anxiety and my personality of not wanting to deal with confrontation and just going with the flow to keep a peaceful environment. It is difficult to say no to many things. 

When you want to change your eating habits and realize that you’re not really hungry, but people who love you want to feed you all the time. They want to offer you food and you feel bad for turning them down when they went out their way to cook or buy food. 

No one else in the house cares to eat differently and you find it hard to not eat what they’re eating. No one else in the house wants to exercise every day so you’re left to do it alone and can’t always motivate yourself to just get up and do it. 

[ My anxiety causes me to feel that if I start to exercise at home people are going to ask me what I’m doing and bother me, look at me as if I’m crazy. ]

Then there are times were you feel so down that you give up and don’t care and all of what you were trying to accomplish goes out the window and you want all of what you love despite the fact you know you don’t need it and it may even make you feel worst than you already do. 

The struggle is real and it’s not easy for everyone. It’s sad to say but I believe if you were to tell your family that you have been diagnosed with cancer, I bet everyone would be by your side in helping you live a better life. 

When you have anxiety, depression and fibromyalgia, no one cares. No one wants to help you and you are told to suck it up and just do what you have to do. 

Anxiety & Depression 

I know everyone story is different on how we became apart of this mental health illness movement. Mine started way before I even knew it would impact my life the way it has. 

I knew about depression before I could walk or talk. I know you may be wondering what I mean, let me explain. When I was born my mom suffered with major depression and thinking back now I feel I was already depressed before I knew what it meant to be that. I remember the sadness I used to feel and how many times I cried myself to sleep. With that being said depression is not what kept me from doing things first, that brings me to anxiety. 

My first experience of anxiety was at a sleepover, I was so embarrassed. I started crying and freaking out. The other girls were concerned about me and not knowing what to do. I have been fighting this battle my entire life. 

Later on in life about 16, 17, the depression really kicked in when I really felt it. I had to admit to myself I was depressed and this isn’t just a teenage moment that will pass. I remember not being able to force myself to get up. Not wanting to do anything but sleep. I had started my first job and was working my butt off and having like one or two days off was not enough, I was exhausted and unhappy about where my life was heading and if that job was even worth it. 

Present Day: I had a tough night last night and today. The depression was full blast. After years of this though, I am able to work pass it more quickly now but it is not easy. 

Writing this right now is one way I am dealing with it. I want people to be aware of the reality of it all. Anxiety and Depression is very real and it affects so many even many who don’t even know that is what’s wrong or not willing to admit to themselves that is what it is. 

I spent years telling myself that is not me and I can change. Now it is apart of me and I can not change myself but I can change how I manage and deal with it. 

It always helps me when I can get my mind focused on something else other than my negative thoughts about myself. I am able to laugh tonight and even though I didn’t want to talk I wasn’t able to close myself off from everyone, and that is a good thing. 

With depression, when you don’t want to be around anyone. That is when you need to spend time with others the most. Not just anyone though. The right person or right people will have you feeling on top of the world but the wrong one will have you deeper in the dark. 

To add the pain from fibromyalgia I am exhausted and it’s amazing that I have kept it together this well. Inside I am screaming. 

Some days I break into pieces but unlike humpy-dumpy, I am able to put myself back together again. 

-Kerra Melissa Pridgen 


STAY STRONG 

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