March 4, 2014
I crave affection, it affects my mental state and makes my emotions go crazy. I’ve always been this way, wanting one on one attention. I know this has nothing to do with my chronic pain, but having fibromyalgia made me crave affection less too a certain point. But I’m the kind of person that when I don’t feel well, I don’t want to be left alone. Dealing with depression along with all the pain, makes my moods go up and down. I tell you it’s a crazy battle fighting with myself, trying and wanting to be happy, but my body is nothing but pain, pain, pain, and more pain.
Way before I knew anything about fibromyalgia, my teenage years were filled with depression, I turned to drinking and having sex to feel the emptiest inside me. My hormones were through the roof, and it got so bad that I was making deals with guys just to get affection. I told a guy one time that he could have sex with me, only if he promised to hold me afterwards and let me lay on his chest until I fell asleep. Sad right? I know and he didn’t even put his arms around me, so I still didn’t get what I wanted.
Now I thought getting married would be my key to it all. Before my husband was my husband he stayed around even after finding out I had fibromyalgia and how crazy my life was, he said he wasn’t going to leave me behind. Still when he asked me to marry him, I didn’t believe him. It’s been five years married now, six year in total, and those years have been hard on me. I kind of knew what I was getting myself into, just didn’t think it would get any worst. Of course it did, my husband doesn’t know how to express emotions, is rarely open to me. Kind mentally and emotionally abusive towards me, but says he loves me with all his heart. I mean what other reason would someone stay with someone who doesn’t work, if they don’t love them. I cook, clean and I feel I don’t do enough, but it’s tough with having fibromyalgia, being depressed and having anxiety issues, also a little OCD as well. He is so confusing to me, even though I deal with pain all day everyday, I still get sexually aroused and want to have sex. My husband comes up with the most excuses sometimes and he seems to be holding out, I’m lucky to have sex once a month, shouldn’t I be the one not in the mood. Then when my period is on, around that time he wanting to be all touchy feely and I’m pushing him away. That is so wrong, even down to be kissing on him, he pushes me away. I go through enough as it is, I don’t want to have to fight and beg for love and affection. I come to tears sometimes (often) put that’s why I have been turning to The Lord To receive Gods love. Through all my pain, if I talk to God he comforts me and reminds me, that I made it through yesterday; I will make it through today.
NO ALLOW ANYONE OR ANYTHING KEEP YOU FROM THE LOVE YOU DESERVE AND NEVER ALLOW OTHERS TO MAKE YOU HEARTLESS. KEEP LOVING ALWAYS.