We are WildFlowers

Posts tagged ‘Awareness’

Failure at Life 

It’s a little after five in the morning and I been up since yesterday, I can’t sleep. I’m crying still thinking of things said to me yesterday. 

I’m going to move on from it but it will always remain with me as a weight on my back. 

No one understands me and they all think they know me, it’s laughable. 

Here’s some things said to me yesterday by my mother, FYI she has major depression sees a therapist and psychologist and takes prescription drugs for it among other things. 

The first statement was said to me after she asked me a question but knew i was about to get started up and she wanted to stop me. This happens a lot because she can’t handle my truth and the way I see things and she doesn’t like when I remind her of my childhood. Yes she did the very best she could but she fails to realize I did my very best as well and that’s what I continue to do, my best without having a nervous breakdown and ending up being admitted into a hospital. 

“No I’m sorry I asked. Nope, I don’t want to hear what you have to say. I know whatever you’re about to say is going to be stupid.” 

These statements were said when I explained how I don’t agree with taking drugs. As if I’m going to pop a pill and it’s going to motivate me to want to live in this world. As if it’s going to make me a entirely different person. It’s going to make me look at life so much better and I’m going to be so happy and nothing will ever bother me or worry me again. 

“So when are you going to fix yourself?” 

“When are you going to get help?” 

This statement here I didn’t even understand. I guess life and living is about money. If I was working no matter how much I make, no matter how I feel, it would make people look at me as a better person. 

“It’s not that you’re unimportant, it’s that you don’t stay at a job for very long.” 

I’ve worked many jobs, longest time was eleven months. Every job I worked extremely hard, gave it my all. Mostly retail jobs but also some working with food. The most I ever got paid an hour was $9.50. Still living at home at the time I had to help pay bills. So it was impossible for me to save anything. I didn’t see how I would ever get enough money to get my own car or my own place to stay. I remember my mom told me that I wouldn’t be able to make it on my own or afford it. I only got praised when I was doing what I was told or she was in a loving, caring mood. 

Growing up life for me became more difficult every day. 

She hates when I say, “Well you wanted to have kids.” Or “I didn’t ask to be born.” 

I think it’s wrong for people to become parents and think that them doing what they think is the best they could do is good enough and after 18 years old sometimes sooner, that now it’s the child who has to figure out life from there. Being told “I didn’t have anyone to tell me how to do things or explain it to me. I had to figure it out on my own.” 

Wow, it’s just wrong. At some point the chain has to be broken. I love my mom so much but she should not have had me. I should not be here. 

I believe when I was born, both my parents were depressed and it got worst. My entire life I have been trying to fix myself. I’ve been trying to fit in. I’ve been trying to live as others do. My entire life I have not wanted to be here. 

I apologize for being a disappointment and not trying hard enough. Not being able to be someone who they can brag about. 

It’s not that I’m lazy I just can’t handle all the stress in the world. Stress of working and stress at home it is just too much for me. It’s not that I want someone to support me it’s just I’m already working overtime tending to my mind, body and soul. The sad part is I believe I’m failing at that as well. 

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Two Way Mirror 

Do you have family or friends close to you that are dealing with some kind of illness different or the same as yours and they have a hard time treating you in the way they would want to be treated. They may compare things in a way as if saying you’re not going through as much as them or how they are dealing with the same thing but it’s so different. 

They are not able to find the words for you that you need to hear. Sometimes they even end up making you feel worse. 

When you go to someone to open up about your feelings and that person looks at you and only sees them self and turns it around to talk about themselves. 

Some people feel if they have had to suffer and figure out on their own then you should do the same. They might say, “I didn’t have any help.” 

Myself, I try my best to uplift someone who comes to me. They felt comfortable enough or maybe I was the only person for them to talk to and even if I can relate, I listen and I remind them of positive things despite how I feel. Helping someone else makes me feel better as a person. Makes me feel I am living in purpose. 

When they are only looking at themselves, I’m looking through seeing much more. 

What do you see? 

Don’t be selfish, help motivate someone and encourage them. People who you love remind them why they are needed, why you love them. If they are lost help try to figure out what direction they need to go. All you have to do is listen and pay attention. 

God has kept me here for a reason. I just want others to see what I see. 

Bless whom is reading this. 

I’m Tired of Explaining

I just want others to remember what I’m going through. Other people don’t get questioned, if others say “I’m tired, hurting somewhere, I’m sick.” People think to themselves, “Oh must be the (fill in the blank.)

But let someone ask me what’s wrong, how do I feel? I answer, “I’m tired, this or that is hurting, I feel sick.” They respond, “Why? What did you do?”

All I want is understanding, just remember I have fibromyalgia, remember it causes me to be in pain and a long list of other bullshit that can’t be explained.

Please come up with better responses because I don’t know why, nor do I know what I did to deserve this pain. All I know is what I feel is as real as you and me. Well most of you, a lot of you all are fake. Trust me I don’t want to feel this way. My entire life all I’ve known is pain in every form.

Family think they know me, and I know secretly they think I’m lazy, spoiled, anti-social, and whatever else.

Educate yourselves and search the word/term Fibromyalgia.
Do not tell me that you know someone who has it, because the illness is different from person to person.

You need to get to know me.
And I won’t die anytime soon, I will deal with this crap for the rest of my life. I have no idea if it’s going to get worst as I get older. The changes are happening every year.

#May12BlogBomb

imageimage#May12BlogBomb

Today is Fibromyalgia Awareness Day, and I wonder how many people other than the ones you have it knows about this day.

It’s not a day that people around me know or remember if I’ve told them. I have no T-shirt to walk around in, have no one wearing one for me. Even though my life is in Gods hands, if a doctor was to put a time on my life, everyone would care then. The fact that fibromyalgia is nothing you can just die from, so they say. It’s just a normal thing now for me to be in pain. What am I doing today? I’m just trying to rest.

The pain becomes like second nature, it’s apart of your life, a living, breathing thing that is draining all of your joy and happiness. You have to find a balance and figure out how you can be happy with pain. That sounds crazy but it’s true. You can’t allow it to get you down. imageimage

Every day is awareness day for me but it’s sure great to have this day today to showcase and really let people show there support. Thanks to all who wear purple for fibromyalgia today and every day for the ones you care and love.

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