It’s Sunday and I know I should not be worried about tomorrow but I am a bit. Part of me had a plan of calling or going up there to the job and do what I have to do to get it. The other “parts” of me Ms. Anxiety and Ms. Depression along with Queen Fibro, they have caused me to question everything. Friday day I got muscle spasms after using the bathroom. The muscle spasms lasted the rest of the day and night. I thought going to sleep, it would help relax my body, but that didn’t help at all.
Queen Fibro, she’s whispering in my ear making me question if I can really do this. Along with Ms. Anxiety questioning everything that could go wrong. How will I explain all the years I’ve been out of work. Ms. Depression is telling me to just keep working at doing my writing, crocheting or knitting.
I fear reaching out. I told myself I will wait to see if I get a phone call Monday. Hopeful that since I’ve been a assistant manager before despite being out of work for years, I will get a call for an interview.
I regret not printing out my resume but honestly, I don’t really know how much I want this. I’m so conflicted, I need money, I should have money, I fear failing, I fear being fired, I be leaving another job. I’ve done it so much in my past that what will make it different now. I’m older and in more pain now so it’s even harder to want to do it.
I want a career. I don’t want to get stuck at some job. Unlike most people I know I won’t me able to work a job and still focus on trying to build a career. All my focus will go to just trying to do that one job, which isn’t even worth it. It will put a little something in my pocket and keep people off my back about not working. It would hopefully take my guilt away.
The thing is I feel I’m still not doing it for myself despite wanting some money. Money has never been my driving force to anything.
I’m so messed up. I have to stop thinking about this now before I go into a panic attack.
Have a wonderful restful day.
I stepped out of my comfort zone this week. A store I went into were hiring for stocking and I got an application. It’s a small dollar tree store and it really needed help. My mom and I asked if you can just get hired just to stock and they said yes. I’m hoping that this will be the first time, well I take that back the second time I can get hired not to be a cashier. I have most of my experience in retail, also was a assistant manager so I qualify for the job. The only thing is, I haven’t worked in years. I know I don’t want to handle the stress of being a cashier but being on the floor and organizing things is the part I always enjoyed.
Plus dealing with the symptoms of fibromyalgia a lot has changed with myself. Also my anxiety had gotten worse, so it’s a big step for me to have taken the application back yesterday. I drove myself, which is a big deal now. I have to wait until Monday and I will see what happens.
At least I’m making an attempt.
I just want to do something that won’t be too much stress on me and can give me a income to contribute, so I won’t feel like a waste of space or at least put a little money in my pocket.
Today I did not workout, I did not clean house, but I worked on clearing my thoughts of unneeded things. Before I get to that, I have to say my body aches so badly today. Just from sitting up trying to think and type on my laptop. Side and back pain, when I walk my knee bothered me. It didn’t help that today was cloudy and rainy all day, so it was cold and my knee aches so badly.
Now back to the point at hand, “career” I love and enjoy writing. I figured out that, that was what I wanted to do with myself late into my life. So I have no degree or anything, but my heart made me a writer, my life made me a writer, my thoughts made me a writer. In school I always enjoyed English classes, even when I had a college course, I ace the English class (technical writing) only class I I did good in, except desktop publishing class.
With all my craziness in my life I turned to writing to express myself, it was the one thing that did not hurt me. I started writing poetry and I was free to say whatever I wanted, I didn’t have to answer, or think of what anyone else would think. No one judged it, they kind of praised it after I began sharing. They were shocked to know certain thing were in my mind, that I thought in that way. I felt I needed to do bigger and better, so I started short stories then only to feel I could maybe go even bigger and write a novel. I thought that would be the only way I could call myself a writer and be pride, have the title as an author. I was determine to do it, but in so many people eyes I failed over an over again. And today something new was on my heart, I confessed to myself that maybe writing a novel is just not for me. It started to hurt me and the more negative I got the more my joy and passion was leaving from it. And with my “brain fog” it’s been harder and taking me longer to write and finish one chapter. It takes me so long at times to figure out how to spell a word, that it makes me want to cry because I can’t think of what it starts with, ends with or anything. People saying that they’re confused when reading my work. I will take my time and try to finish what I’ve started but I need to et back to that freedom, that peace that I had at the beginning of just writing what I felt and what’s on my mind and heart, what’s in my soul. So today I went from and “author” to a writer.
I decided to create a new blog and I will get what on my heart out there. I spent all morning setting it up and posting some things I already had written. My body was aching but I was focused on my body to today. Then I went to bed to finally fall asleep to rest. All night it rained and when I walk I kind of walk with a limp because of my knee. Again I will rest this weekend and get back at itMonday morning.
I can only follow my heart at the end of the day, that’s all I have.