365 Days of Fibromyalgia

Posts tagged ‘Chronic Pain’

Am I Here For Your Amusement? 

  

I’ve been feeling like I just want to be left alone.

One day I was having a conversation with my niece and she was speaking about how she doesn’t want nor need a boyfriend right now she’s focused on college and having a career. I’m so proud of her, doing what I couldn’t and doing what I should’ve done. 
     It got me thinking and I’m like I never took time to be selfish and just think about myself. I was always concerned about others. Everything I did in my life was for everyone else. It was to make them happy and to keep them off my back. The only thing I did for me was abuse myself and no one cared. No one ever stopped and asked me what was wrong, how do I feel, what’s on your mind, how can I help you, what you need for me to do. Everyone was always so selfish. One time when someone called me selfish I was taken back because I’m like I’m selfish because I want to spend time with you, I’m selfish because I want to talk to you. That made me question myself yet again, like I’m this horrible person. 

     Now I just want to be selfish. I want to think about me. I’ve lived my life encouraging others and never getting that encouragement back in return. Just that means I have to work that much harder to succeed. I don’t have any cheerleaders and it’s not easy trying to accomplish goals when you’re battling depression, anxiety and chronic pain everyday. I spend most of the time telling myself I can’t instead of just doing what I need to do. 

        When I decided I wanted to become a writer, I was still unsure. I knew I was a writer, it was in my heart but I knew it wasn’t good enough for the ones around me. I was still trying to live my life for others. Year after year I would always tell myself I’m not good enough, I need to stop, I need to get a good paying job to be able to support myself and forget about writing. Every time I tried I failed. I would always end up with paper and a pen in my hand and it was calling out to me. I was fighting against the wrong things. 

      The past few years life has changed me drastically. I feel I don’t fit in so when I’m around others I put on this smile, try to have the right mood. I don’t want to frown or say the wrong things. I don’t want to have to explain what’s wrong with me. I don’t what to get stared at like I’m different, I already get enough stares as it is. I just want to spend my time with the people who matter the most to me, and who it will make a difference too. People who will speak of me the right way when I’m gone, people who really know all the different sides to me. The good, the bad, the ugly. I make just enough time for those people, and the rest of the time I need for myself. 

    I’ve always been a homebody. I went from not wanting to be alone to wanting to be alone. I went from feeling lonely to embracing it. 

      I just want people to care enough to ask that one simple question… How’s your book coming along?” I want to feel proud to be a writer, I want to be confident enough to say I’m a author. I want to feel that people take me seriously and not as a joke.

       I will continue to wear my smile for those who can’t handle my frown. 

Judgemental

Woke up early this morning with some concerns on my mind.

Do you feel as if we judge one another by the levels of our pain, when it comes to fibromyalgia?

Yes, we are all in pain. Yet all of our pain is different and some may be the same, it’s still pain. Some people with chronic pain move more than others. Some may have more good days than others. Still, they know the pain.
There are people who work through the pain better than others. Some that feel, Well if I’m going to hurt I might as well push myself.

Don’t dislike or always hate someone because of there happiness, or goals they are achieving despite their chronic pain. And yes I agree that I’ve had my moments where I truly believe some people clearly don’t know the pain we feel and they are writing books and saying that if can be “fixed.” And do I dare say “cured” even. Yes I have seen these words from people. That’s when you know they have no idea the pain we feel and deal with every second of our life. But I respect the people who are pushing trying to fight fibromyalgia and fight to enjoy their lives.

What is true to one, may not be true to you but it’s still a truth to someone.

Even our own family and friends compare their pain to ours. Or they want to go back and forth with you on how they feel just as bad as you or they know the pain. They have no clue…

The pain I feel, if they felt it; I’m sure they’d die. Especially the head pain alone would take them out. At times I feel weak but when I see how others react to minor things like a “cold” that reminds me just how strong I really am.

Ok I must confess, when the people I love come to me telling me about this and that hurts. I want to say things like, “why should I care about your pain, if you don’t care about mine?” But I can’t be like that even though at times I’m so frustrated that I do say, “that’s how I be feeling. That’s exactly what I try to explain to you what’s going on with my body.”

I guess it’s difficult for others to notice because I carry this pain so well, I’m used to hiding it and I stand strong. Only one or two people see me at my weakest.

Let’s not hate on each other because our views are different. Let’s empower one another to encourage the hope to keep going and to never give up.

Bra Causes Pain

Living with fibromyalgia, a bra becomes like a torture device. Lately have had pain on top of my shoulders, collar bone and completely around my body wear the bra rest. It feels like my bra tightens like hour by hour.
Even with the padded straps and it being an “18 hour” bra it still pains me. I rather not leave the house than have to put a bra on, but I’m blessed with a lot and need support.

Since the weather changed I’ve had a lot of severe body cramps, soreness. Aching and stiff joints that is mostly in the morning or whenever I wake up. Also depending on how much I do during the day, but being a lover of writing that means my hands and fingers ache all the time.

Reality of Moving Day

July 13, 2014

Reality of Moving Day

I’ve spoke of having to move awhile back, but it finally happened today and taking about stressful.
I had the worst fibro fog moment ever (epic fail) I didn’t take the key out of the lock for the storage unit and the lock with the key in it was in my back pocket, I forgot and sat down and the key bent; which it broken off in the lock. You can imagine how my husband felt about that.
I already feel bad enough and I’m pushing myself over the limit today, but that doesn’t mean anything after that mistake happened.
Feeling so stressed out; I was in baby mode and crying. I called my mother and she came and helped me while my husband was at work. Oh how I love her, don’t know what I would do without her.
We went back to the storage place and there was another person working other than the one earlier when I messed up. The guy took a paper clip and placed it in a small hole behind the lock and pushed the broken key right out. Yes you heard me, my stress and crying and feeling bad was all for nothing. It surly is about the people you deal with, I guess that’s why we should never give up and try; try again. Never know what may happen unless you do.
I’ve never been a weak person physically, so I used all my muscle today and it was rough. With my high blood pressure; I have a high heart rate. Every moment I was trying to catch my breathe and I felt my heart beating out of my chest.
I so didn’t get enough sleep and I need sleep badly and rest. All I feel is tension in my head, I need to close my eyes and relax but I can’t.
It was a long day and the bed is calling for my body.

Oxymoron

June 30, 2014

Oxymoron

I was thinking and it’s crazy how it’s said that one will feel better if you exercise. And that is a true statement but it’s not quite that simple when you have chronic pain.

Now I’ve exercised and was proud of myself, but and yes there is a big but… I have tried different things and it’s not just to do it, it’s also to try and lose weight. Or at least drop some fat to lighten my load. I do feel things would be a little easier if I could drop some pounds.

I do aerobics from a DVD and it’s ok but I get bored and I feel strong when doing it. Also I enjoy using the treadmill and it can be great, but there are times my body starts hurting. Calves, ankles, legs, and whatever else and oh can’t forget the headaches. I’ve gotten headaches after working out, but I felt good during and was proud of myself though.

When it’s around the time of my menstrual cycle it’s tough to keep going, because I have premenstrual symptoms; so I start to cramp and ache all over before anything even happens. Then when it does start its about seven days and I may be in pain for five, never know how much I will be able to do or move around.

I do know when I don’t do a lot of moving around, be that exercising or just talking a walk; that affects me and I feel really sick.

So now I have to think of everything as exercise because I’m doing the best that I can.

We hurt and are told to exercise that causes us to hurt still. And yes it’s easy on the body and joints if you do exercise in water [pool] but for me I find that it’s tricky just like when you have good days full of energy and you may tend to over do it because you can. I feel when I’m in the pool I want to move around so much because it’s easy and it doesn’t hurt. But still if I over do it and stay in the pool to long later I am aching.

We can find ways to do things easier and to relieve some pain but it’s temporary.

Moving Day/ Canceled

May 31, 2014

Moving Day/ Canceled

It’s after midnight and like always I’m not sleep, which I need to get because I have to get all this crap out of here. I have a sharp headache and mostly in the left side, along with face pain on my left side. If the pain is starting like this, it’s going to be a crazy, long pain day, but I’m hoping it goes by quick. The faster we move, the faster I can relax.

7:54 in the morning and I find out that today is not the day. Again a plan I knew was wrong and I’ve prepared myself for no reason. As much as I wanted to get this moving done and over with today, at least I get to rest instead. I just hope that the move day isn’t a surprise and I have to rush. I have noticed with a chronic illness/ chronic pain, one must prepare themselves for the days ahead. Mentally and physically I have to be ready, which I was for today, but now I’m uneasy and I don’t like not knowing. With fibromyalgia I get enough of not knowing, not knowing when the pain will strike, how bad the pain will feel. If what happened yesterday will happen today, not knowing sucks and that’s life. We think we know stuff, but truly what do we really know? I don’t know about you, but I know that I KNOW PAIN. Just my pain though, your pain may be different but we can all relate.
I’m so tried and the start of my morning ends my day, I am very tried and feel sick so I must try very much so too rest.

After much needed sleep, I feel much better and my Saturday is just a Saturday, no plans to do anything.

I ENJOY BEING A STEP AHEAD BUT SOMETIMES A PLAN IS JUST THAT; A PLAN NOTHING MORE NOTHING LESS.

UnComfortable

May 3, 2014

UnComfortable

Just when I have gotten comfortable with my surroundings and environment and everything else, trouble comes along. My world is getting turned upside down [again] and it’s nothing I can do about it. I strongly believe that in the end things happen for good reason, but I don’t want any of what’s about to happen to happen.

Of course it all comes down to money. Money, money, money, just can’t see to have enough of it. Some income we were getting had been cut off, so that’s forcing us to have to make changes and one of those changes… Moving, I don’t want to have to move and I love where I’m at right now.

I had just started to feeling happy about life again and this happens. Bill after bill, and of course now I feel even worst for not being able to work and help my husband out, but that too has to change.

And to top it all off my cycle is about to come on soon, so not only am I trying not to allow stress to get to me, I’m going to be in pain with cramps and whatever else. The idea of packing up my stuff again makes me want to just live out of one suitcase and forget about everything else.

I’m not comfortable anymore, I’m on edge and I just want whatever that’s going to happen to happen.

WILL I KEEP COMFORT OR LOSE IT COMPLETELY? Stay tuned…

Tag Cloud