365 Days of Fibromyalgia

Posts tagged ‘Depression’

Anxiety & Depression 

I know everyone story is different on how we became apart of this mental health illness movement. Mine started way before I even knew it would impact my life the way it has. 

I knew about depression before I could walk or talk. I know you may be wondering what I mean, let me explain. When I was born my mom suffered with major depression and thinking back now I feel I was already depressed before I knew what it meant to be that. I remember the sadness I used to feel and how many times I cried myself to sleep. With that being said depression is not what kept me from doing things first, that brings me to anxiety. 

My first experience of anxiety was at a sleepover, I was so embarrassed. I started crying and freaking out. The other girls were concerned about me and not knowing what to do. I have been fighting this battle my entire life. 

Later on in life about 16, 17, the depression really kicked in when I really felt it. I had to admit to myself I was depressed and this isn’t just a teenage moment that will pass. I remember not being able to force myself to get up. Not wanting to do anything but sleep. I had started my first job and was working my butt off and having like one or two days off was not enough, I was exhausted and unhappy about where my life was heading and if that job was even worth it. 

Present Day: I had a tough night last night and today. The depression was full blast. After years of this though, I am able to work pass it more quickly now but it is not easy. 

Writing this right now is one way I am dealing with it. I want people to be aware of the reality of it all. Anxiety and Depression is very real and it affects so many even many who don’t even know that is what’s wrong or not willing to admit to themselves that is what it is. 

I spent years telling myself that is not me and I can change. Now it is apart of me and I can not change myself but I can change how I manage and deal with it. 

It always helps me when I can get my mind focused on something else other than my negative thoughts about myself. I am able to laugh tonight and even though I didn’t want to talk I wasn’t able to close myself off from everyone, and that is a good thing. 

With depression, when you don’t want to be around anyone. That is when you need to spend time with others the most. Not just anyone though. The right person or right people will have you feeling on top of the world but the wrong one will have you deeper in the dark. 

To add the pain from fibromyalgia I am exhausted and it’s amazing that I have kept it together this well. Inside I am screaming. 

Some days I break into pieces but unlike humpy-dumpy, I am able to put myself back together again. 

-Kerra Melissa Pridgen 


STAY STRONG 

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Am I Here For Your Amusement? 

  

I’ve been feeling like I just want to be left alone.

One day I was having a conversation with my niece and she was speaking about how she doesn’t want nor need a boyfriend right now she’s focused on college and having a career. I’m so proud of her, doing what I couldn’t and doing what I should’ve done. 
     It got me thinking and I’m like I never took time to be selfish and just think about myself. I was always concerned about others. Everything I did in my life was for everyone else. It was to make them happy and to keep them off my back. The only thing I did for me was abuse myself and no one cared. No one ever stopped and asked me what was wrong, how do I feel, what’s on your mind, how can I help you, what you need for me to do. Everyone was always so selfish. One time when someone called me selfish I was taken back because I’m like I’m selfish because I want to spend time with you, I’m selfish because I want to talk to you. That made me question myself yet again, like I’m this horrible person. 

     Now I just want to be selfish. I want to think about me. I’ve lived my life encouraging others and never getting that encouragement back in return. Just that means I have to work that much harder to succeed. I don’t have any cheerleaders and it’s not easy trying to accomplish goals when you’re battling depression, anxiety and chronic pain everyday. I spend most of the time telling myself I can’t instead of just doing what I need to do. 

        When I decided I wanted to become a writer, I was still unsure. I knew I was a writer, it was in my heart but I knew it wasn’t good enough for the ones around me. I was still trying to live my life for others. Year after year I would always tell myself I’m not good enough, I need to stop, I need to get a good paying job to be able to support myself and forget about writing. Every time I tried I failed. I would always end up with paper and a pen in my hand and it was calling out to me. I was fighting against the wrong things. 

      The past few years life has changed me drastically. I feel I don’t fit in so when I’m around others I put on this smile, try to have the right mood. I don’t want to frown or say the wrong things. I don’t want to have to explain what’s wrong with me. I don’t what to get stared at like I’m different, I already get enough stares as it is. I just want to spend my time with the people who matter the most to me, and who it will make a difference too. People who will speak of me the right way when I’m gone, people who really know all the different sides to me. The good, the bad, the ugly. I make just enough time for those people, and the rest of the time I need for myself. 

    I’ve always been a homebody. I went from not wanting to be alone to wanting to be alone. I went from feeling lonely to embracing it. 

      I just want people to care enough to ask that one simple question… How’s your book coming along?” I want to feel proud to be a writer, I want to be confident enough to say I’m a author. I want to feel that people take me seriously and not as a joke.

       I will continue to wear my smile for those who can’t handle my frown. 

I’m Tired of Explaining

I just want others to remember what I’m going through. Other people don’t get questioned, if others say “I’m tired, hurting somewhere, I’m sick.” People think to themselves, “Oh must be the (fill in the blank.)

But let someone ask me what’s wrong, how do I feel? I answer, “I’m tired, this or that is hurting, I feel sick.” They respond, “Why? What did you do?”

All I want is understanding, just remember I have fibromyalgia, remember it causes me to be in pain and a long list of other bullshit that can’t be explained.

Please come up with better responses because I don’t know why, nor do I know what I did to deserve this pain. All I know is what I feel is as real as you and me. Well most of you, a lot of you all are fake. Trust me I don’t want to feel this way. My entire life all I’ve known is pain in every form.

Family think they know me, and I know secretly they think I’m lazy, spoiled, anti-social, and whatever else.

Educate yourselves and search the word/term Fibromyalgia.
Do not tell me that you know someone who has it, because the illness is different from person to person.

You need to get to know me.
And I won’t die anytime soon, I will deal with this crap for the rest of my life. I have no idea if it’s going to get worst as I get older. The changes are happening every year.

It’s Real

 

March 18, 2014

Real

Fibromyalgia is as real as God, you may not be able to see God but he is real and Fibro may not show on the outside, but it is very real on the inside. Working from the inside out, it’s dragging people through Hell.
Like life it self wasn’t enough, but to add a chronic illness on top of it makes it even worst. I’ve spent my entire life dealing with real and not real. Watching my mother deal with depression and not understanding what was going on as a child, as I grew older I began to see those things in myself.
My mom went through doctors telling her it was all in her head and nothing was really wrong. I got diagnosed with having anxiety then depression, and soon I began to see ye world from my mothers eyes. When I first noticed and that feeling happened of not being able to get out of bed, not wanting to deal with anyone, and being extremely tired. It began real very real for me indeed, the feeling was unexplainable.
I never thought I would run into anything else and soon everything including the anxiety and depression, now had a new name… That name is Fibromyalgia.
For me finding this out and learning about it, I felt I had found the answer to every pain or weird thing that I had ever felt. I say because of having painful periods since I was a young girl, having skin issues, always having some kind of concern about my body. A pain here, a ache there. But back then who would have known to even ask a doctor about [fibromyalgia]
How real is it? How real is the air that you breathe? It is as real as a heart that beats, a brain that thinks and as a weak body that can still find the strength to keep moving.
FIBROMYALGIA IS REAL!

Anniversary of Life

January 12,2014

Anniversary of Life

Not only am I celebrating my 5th wedding anniversary today, but I am also celebrating me surviving pain. After meeting my husband and while we were dating I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Even though I think I had in my childhood, there isn’t really any proof of that. Only that I always had very itchy skin and I got my mensal cycle as early as first grade and I was in a lot of pain, pain that only remained the same and got worst as I grew older. I still have painful periods. Also it’s been like twelve plus years with anxiety & depression. I can count on my hands the the meds I took as a teen and I quit every last one because I didn’t like how it made me feel. I stopped taking them on my own, and it’s said that that can cause problems, so guess I screwed myself even worst. Wasn’t my idea to take anything to start with, but I’ve made it another year with only taking like ibuprofen, advil, when I have it and it doesn’t work all the time. I remember being depressed & scared(anxiety) as a child, I just always thought I was different. (Still do) NEVERTHELESS I love myself though. I’m going to celebrate this day and hopefully it will be full of laughs, love & smiles. These years have not been easy, NEVERTHELESS I’ve always seen the blessings in disguise. I’m a better woman, even more wiser. Without the help of God we would not still be, without not being able to see past all the b.s and see the persons that we really are…we would not still be. He knows what he has, I know what I have, so despite it all We will always come together. Whenever you think we are on the edge of falling, just know we are there to pull each other up every time. Whenever you think you’ve pulled us apart, trust and believe you’ve only pushed us closer together. ¬†LOYALTY ALWAYS
Anyways back to the celebrating…

Mental Awareness

Mental Awareness.

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