February 17, 2014
Fear and Trembling
Having fibromyalgia makes me tremble with the thought of having to go somewhere. Even a week or weeks ahead, I’m unsure of what I may do. I’m always questioning if I should or shouldn’t do something.
I fear staying at someone else’s house, because if not being able to be as comfortable as I need to be, or unable to get the temperature to how I need it. Also I get anxiety about driving myself, but at times I can suck it up and convince myself I’m good and I once drove myself everywhere, I can still do this. Chronic pain really took all my confidence, it’s very low keeps me always feeling less of myself. Especially when it comes to relationships, like my marriage. I just stop trying to have friends because they are always busy and on the go, while I’m home bound and would rather not go out and spend money, but instead stay inside and watch movies. Note: Netflix is like my new favorite thing.
I fear that I will need to depend on someone more than I already do. My hope is that I can have the resources to better myself, live more heathy so I can be more able to work again. Without that control of having my own money, makes me feel like a child. I know I shouldn’t but that’s a whole other story I won’t et into. I’m so scared that one day something on my body won’t work anymore, or I really won’t be able to move at all. As crazy as it sounds, I have times that are temporary that feels that way. Being so stiff that I can’t move, or having muscle spasms that hurt to move. I fear that I wi be alone and have no help at all, and I will spend the rest of my life in pain. I tremble at times and don’t know why, when I feel sick, my body shakes. I guess another symptom of fibromyalgia or the lack of coffee. I have someone that takes care of me financially, the basics and I’m thankful for that because I fear going back to work. Sometimes I want to, at times I feel ready but the fear comes back when I feel horrible in slot of pain. I think what will I do if this pain happens an I’m at work, that scares me. I do what I can to make a dollar here and there but I know without my husband I would have nothing. I only wish he could be more of my friend though, more connected to me emotionally. But I shouldn’t complain, because I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back and food to eat. I deal with my pain alone, I comfort myself. I cry a lot and pray, that come tomorrow I may feel better; at least a little bit.