We are WildFlowers

Posts tagged ‘Fibro’

Confession Sunday

Hello WildFlowers

It’s Sunday and I know I should not be worried about tomorrow but I am a bit. Part of me had a plan of calling or going up there to the job and do what I have to do to get it. The other “parts” of me Ms. Anxiety and Ms. Depression along with Queen Fibro, they have caused me to question everything. Friday day I got muscle spasms after using the bathroom. The muscle spasms lasted the rest of the day and night. I thought going to sleep, it would help relax my body, but that didn’t help at all.

Queen Fibro, she’s whispering in my ear making me question if I can really do this. Along with Ms. Anxiety questioning everything that could go wrong. How will I explain all the years I’ve been out of work. Ms. Depression is telling me to just keep working at doing my writing, crocheting or knitting.

I fear reaching out. I told myself I will wait to see if I get a phone call Monday. Hopeful that since I’ve been a assistant manager before despite being out of work for years, I will get a call for an interview.

I regret not printing out my resume but honestly, I don’t really know how much I want this. I’m so conflicted, I need money, I should have money, I fear failing, I fear being fired, I be leaving another job. I’ve done it so much in my past that what will make it different now. I’m older and in more pain now so it’s even harder to want to do it.

I want a career. I don’t want to get stuck at some job. Unlike most people I know I won’t me able to work a job and still focus on trying to build a career. All my focus will go to just trying to do that one job, which isn’t even worth it. It will put a little something in my pocket and keep people off my back about not working. It would hopefully take my guilt away.

The thing is I feel I’m still not doing it for myself despite wanting some money. Money has never been my driving force to anything.

I’m so messed up. I have to stop thinking about this now before I go into a panic attack.

Have a wonderful restful day.

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Hours of Cramps/Spasms 

I had a wonderful day today. I exercised and got in all my “required” water. I felt proud of myself. But this happiness didn’t last, I decided I wanted to do something grown-up. (Bad idea) 

I felt the spasm start or cramp, I’m not sure which or if both are happening. All I know is that it’s painful. To move it hurt and when I’m able to get myself up, with every step I take the spasm gets worst. 

It’s been a few hours now I think, it feels it’s been a long time. The pain is in my stomach, vargina, butt areas. On top of that I have had, which when the gas comes it hurts when the air tries to release. 

Also with all the water I’ve drunk today, I’m having to go to the bathroom a lot, which sucks because it is very uncomfortable sitting on the toilet with cramps and spasms. The worst is when I left it’s over but it starts up again (off and on.) 

The pain is unexplainable… 

   

Calm Fibro

May 6, 2014

Calm Fibro

Lord, I pray that no matter what difficulties or problems I face today, I will choose to rejoice anyway!

I’m feeling calm today, really started last night and it’s more like a blah feeling as I sit up today. It’s a bright, sunny warm day outside and I just don’t feel the need to go out. Kind of a feeling of not wanting to show my face. I don’t have anything to say to anyone and how I feel will read in my eyes. I wear a blank stare, that says it all.

Calm with Fibro is when you feel the pain but you’re so numb to it, that you have not much of a reaction. Your face expression may change but no sound you make.

Calming your Fibro, can it really be done. Well for me not really, you have to say “Fuck It” and do what you have to do anyway. At least as long as you can, because believe me Fibro is a bully and it will get you. Fibro will break you down to your knees and the only thing you have left to do is pray.

Fatigue has my mind full of empty thoughts and I’m just here going in and out. Eyes become heavy, they close then open again.

I’M JUST CALM TODAY.

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