The Struggle of Change

Speaking from my own life experience, changing ones lifestyle is not easy. For myself it’s the influence of others around me, the people I live with. It doesn’t help living with depression and anxiety and my personality of not wanting to deal with confrontation and just going with the flow to keep a peaceful environment. It is difficult to say no to many things. 

When you want to change your eating habits and realize that you’re not really hungry, but people who love you want to feed you all the time. They want to offer you food and you feel bad for turning them down when they went out their way to cook or buy food. 

No one else in the house cares to eat differently and you find it hard to not eat what they’re eating. No one else in the house wants to exercise every day so you’re left to do it alone and can’t always motivate yourself to just get up and do it. 

[ My anxiety causes me to feel that if I start to exercise at home people are going to ask me what I’m doing and bother me, look at me as if I’m crazy. ]

Then there are times were you feel so down that you give up and don’t care and all of what you were trying to accomplish goes out the window and you want all of what you love despite the fact you know you don’t need it and it may even make you feel worst than you already do. 

The struggle is real and it’s not easy for everyone. It’s sad to say but I believe if you were to tell your family that you have been diagnosed with cancer, I bet everyone would be by your side in helping you live a better life. 

When you have anxiety, depression and fibromyalgia, no one cares. No one wants to help you and you are told to suck it up and just do what you have to do. 

Extra Weight

I don’t know if I’m the only one who has put on extra pounds since the symptoms of fibromyalgia kicked in. Over the past years I’ve tried, done my best to keep a workout routine and I always end up finding reasons to stop, other than the pain. I get really bored and of course not having someone to workout with, but not having someone with the same energy, attitude, and of course someone that I really like. 

To other people I may not look any different and I’ve never been a skinny or slim person but I see and feel the difference. It was not just the number on the scale that bothered me. Recently my knees have been bothering me to the point I sometimes feel they will give out on me. It started with my left, and sometimes it’s my right knee. The ache or pain catches me off guard and I have to catch myself as if my leg is giving out. My breathing has gotten heavier and I give out of breath easier. If that wasn’t enough. One morning I wake up and I see my stomach, I notice streach marks on my stomach! I have not had any babies so I should not have streach marks on my stomach. I knew I had gained weight but not to that point. At this point I’m telling myself the same thing I’ve always told myself, you have to do something about this. Having depression and anxiety both make it difficult to find motivation to do anything. Clothes have gotten tighter, everything is uncomfortable and I refuse to go up a size. I will get back to where I was and hopefully go down a size. 

Okay I’m rambling on, I’ll get to the point of this post. I came across this video on YouTube and the guy doing the video was a little comical which caught my attention, but also the fact it seemed easy enough. I told myself I would try it. 

When I woke this morning feeling like doing nothing. Throat seemed swollen and sore. I’m trying not to gag. I had my cup of coffee then endured brushing my teeth without gagging up a lung. Afterwards, I don’t know what came over me. I made the choice in my head that I was going to try this workout. So I did. 

Ok everyone I had the slowest moment in history, dumbest mistake. I get started with the workout. I open the clock app on my phone and set timer for 30 seconds but I do not look at the other columns and hit the start button and I begin to walk as fast as I can back and forth. I’m thinking to myself this is the longest 30 seconds ever, it shouldn’t be taking this long. I keep going and going. Finally the alarm sounds and I look down and I see why it took so long. It was set to 15 minutes and 30 seconds. I couldn’t believe I had did this to myself. My mind could not register that I needed to stop because it was wrong. I had a second or two when I knew something wasn’t right but my mind could not figure out why. That makes me sad and I feel like I’m losing the function to comprehend but on the positive side of things, I got a nice workout. I finished up the right way. I was to do the quick workout  four times but since I had added that 15 minutes to it, I figured I would say I had done enough for now. 

https://youtu.be/Zsr3LDkbM0M (here’s the link to the video) 

Pollen What The F***

I’m dealing with allergies from the pollen and I would rather have a cold. Just when I thought I couldn’t feel worst, I’m proved wrong. Went out yesterday and right away my head started to hurt. When I got back to the house my eyes were bothering me and were red. Skin itchy, even my head was itchy. At first I forgot to change my shirt, then I washed my hair. It helped a bit but also I’ve had trouble sleeping. I know that’s nothing new but my insomnia has been worst lately and then my fatigue kicks in to over drive. I have to force myself to stop sleeping. I get up to try and get some things done.   
      Right now I’m not feeling great, breathing is weird and it’s just feels like a heaviness on my chest. My body feels heavy along with belching, so I’m guessing the feeling in my chest is gas. 

My body is aching a lot more and abdominal pain and cramps.  

I’ve been so exhausted and feeling so frustrated. I want to be mute and numb. Sometimes I’m so tired of caring and loving others, it’s overwhelming and I just want to be alone because feeling myself is too much. When you have others who don’t listen to you or don’t even hear you when you talk. It makes things difficult because I already don’t want to burden anyone with how I feel but to know they won’t listen nor understand anyways, it saddens me. 

The next months ahead are going to be so hard with the changes of weather. It’s going to make everything 10x times worse. 
At least now with sneezing, itchy red eyes I have something to show and prove I’m sick. I want to cry right now but I won’t. I just want to be able to stop trying to explain. I wish someone close to me would just know what’s up and even do the research themselves to the point they know all the symptoms and when I say how I feel they don’t ask me why. 

  
Okay I’ve expressed all I can today. I love everyone who takes the time to read my blog, it means so much to me. I don’t get any money from this, I do it to just have a place to vent/express my feelings and tell my thoughts. Thanks again. 

Challenge My Fibro Body : week 7

Challenge My Fibro Body : week 7

July 6, 2015
Spent my day with my husband and there were a lot of laughs, so the day went well.

July 7, 2015
“The tragedy of life is not death. It’s what you let die inside of you while you’re living. Is your youthful spirit still alive? Are you still fascinated by…anything and everything? May you be blessed to start each day fully alive in body, mind, and soul.”

When I saw this and read it( it really touched me. I feel like I start each day off “half-dead” because of all this pain.

I rode somewhere, and then back home to relax. I spent my day crocheting and doing the normal things I do.

July 8, 2015
Late last night my back became sore, then felt as if it was going to spasm luckily it didn’t but the pain increased. This morning it’s still sore and I feel like crap. It is week seven I been trying to get back on track by challenging my body, and right now my body is winning this battle. I have simply lost all motivation, but at least mentally I’m still somewhat hopeful and positive. My body just doesn’t want to play nice, and mentally I can’t seem to fight through to push myself to just workout. With other things on my mind and other things that I want to do, or need to do, have to get done and do. I get overwhelmed and I just hope that the moving around I do do is good enough and I know sometimes good enough, isn’t enough. I hope I can turn this back around soon. This is the true challenge of having chronic pain, you never know what your body is going to do and you have to fight it every day.

July 9, 2015
6:23am and I’m just now about to fall asleep.

“Throughout your whole life you have been bombarded with things that are wrong with you. Turn your attention around, and find out what’s right about you and what’s right about the present moment.”

July 10, 2015
“No matter how great your challenge, God is greater. May you be blessed to have a radical change in your life at the point of your need.”

“Change your life today. Don’t gamble on the future, act now, without delay.”

Even though we may not be able to take the pain away, we may be able to change the amount of pain we’re in. (hopefully) it can be tough but we have to start now, because if we don’t the future may be worst.

#FightThePain #Walk2FightFibro #ChallengeMyFibroBody 

I want to day that I feel really hopeful today and I’m moving around with ease. And to all my readers who read my blog know that I’m honest and open with what I post. Honestly I was going to keep trying at this exercise journey, but I realize today that it’s a challenge for my body everyday I wake up, if I even been to sleep. I am not lazy and I do a lot around the house for the ones I love and that is exercise for me. I’m not getting rest like I should and exercising isn’t exciting for me, I guess because I’m doing it alone. It’s just days like today I’m good but I just don’t feel the need to go outside. I’m spending my day crocheting and that makes me happy, helps me relax. I feel stressed about working out, I feel stressed about what food I should eat, stressed about I’m not doing enough. I just want to sit back and reflect on this day and put my mind at ease. To the ones who are going strong and need to workout everyday, keep up the hard work. Just for me right now, I’m going to take one day at a time and stop worrying about my weight. I started this mostly because I want to get extra weight off, and I tried to change my mind set and tell myself that I was doing it just because it made me feel better. Truthfully I think I was doing it to show and prove to others. I really don’t know anymore how much I just do for me, and not to prove others wrong. I’m tired and if me don’t love me for who I am, then I don’t need them in my life. I’m done with complaining about how I look because this is me and I’m not going to give up. I’m going to continue on a healthy path, I’m just not going to let it get me overwhelmed. I just want to live my life. (Whatever Life That Is)

My Skin

2:30 in the morning and I feel something on my left thigh, it’s these bumps that have just appeared and there was nothing pressed up against my skin to make this happen. I’m not sure why this happened but only reason I’m giving it more thought is because I read an article one day about “chicken skin” and there was a picture. I think I had seen this before in my skin but wasn’t sure until just now when thy popped up. I took a picture you will see below, hope you can see what I’m talking about. It went away after about an hour, my skin was smooth like it never happened.
While researching there is a skin condition called Keratosis Pilaris, which causes this. I don’t know if that’s what is going on with me or not.
It could be from Gluten Intolerance:
http://glutenintoleranceschool.com/gluten-intolerance-symptoms/

http://health.usnews.com/health-news/blogs/eat-run/2013/09/17/surprising-signs-of-gluten-intolerance

I also get welts, hives, whatever you want to called it. I’ve always had sensitive skin, even as a child. So this is quite normal for me.

Ever since the word got out about gluten, I’ve been wanting to try and see if removing it from my diet would help but it’s been so hard. I really end up eating whatever I can eat, my taste bids are too expensive for my budget. If I’m lucky I’m able to get some vegetables and fruits. It really makes me feel that I should just start a raw diet, nothing but fresh uncooked veggies and fruit. Which I would totally get bored of. I’ve been trying my best though, I just got seem to get this right. And it’s so hard watching others eat what you shouldn’t, even harder when you’re the one cooking it for them.

Challenge My Fibro Body

Challenge My Fibro Body : week 5 
June 22, 2015 
Starting yesterday my ankle began hurting, why? Well that’s the mystery question. Only answer I have is because of fibromyalgia. My problem is not really having what I need. I have a ace-bandage but I can’t seem to wrap it so that it gives me support where I need it. Even after wrapping it up, when I try and walk it still hurts if I put my weight on it the wrong way. This morning I still can’t walk straight, the wrong move hurts very badly. Going down the stairs, was not fun. The aching is also in my leg. And by all means I not trying to complain and moan about depressing stuff. But the fact of the matter is that this is my life, every day of my life. When I wake up, till I fall asleep (if I fall asleep) and starts all over again the next day. Today is one of those days where I feel, “if I’m moving around then I doing ok.” 
“At least I’m up moving around the house, and not just sitting or laying.” 
June 23, 2015 
Okay this is turning out to be more of a challenge than I expected. And the challenge is, I get bored of exercise really quick. I can do it just to do it, do when I feel like it. But to know I need to do it every day and that if I don’t, nothing with my body will change. It’s like I really don’t want to do it. Then when I do my body has a difference of opinion. I don’t have anyone to exercise with me and I think that holds me back a little. (I’m lonely) bit I’m also picker when it comes to spending time with people. I just wish I could get myself together. In my mind I do a lot and I feel I could be a “beast” at this exercise thing and “go hard” but I just can’t seem to get on that level. I sit and think back on how I used to look and how I used to feel and I don’t know how to get back there. Truth is I can’t, that’s in the past and I want to be better than before. 
June 24, 2015 
I stepped on the scale this morning and it was down a pound again, and that motivated me to exercise today. 
•Leslie Sansone-Walk Away The Pounds 3Mile 
I feel strong and great today, workout was awesome, I sweated a lot. This me today is the me I love, hope I stay around more often. 
June 25, 2015 
•1 mile walk 
I walked around just in time, it began to thunder, got the walk in before a storm started. 
June 26, 2015 
Was going to workout but ended up standing up for too long doing other things and by the time I started to really exercise, my legs were extreme tired. So guess today turned into somewhat of a rest day. 
June 27, 2015 
•Leslie Sansone-Walk Away The Pounds 1 Mile 
June 28, 2015 
•Rest

Affection

June 9, 2014

Affection

I know most people with fibromyalgia say that it hurts them even to get a hug from someone; well get hugged to tightly or to be touched most of the times. I too get sore to the touch, but I am also a person who loves and enjoys affection.
Just because I have a chronic illness, I still need love and the love needs to be passionate.
A lack of affection leaves me feeling worst than I already do on a normal basis. Sometimes just kissing is enough, my lips don’t hurt all the time. And yes my lips become sore, because I bite off the skin on them and it makes them tender.
Everyone wants affection from there spouse or partner, it’s only natural to want to be close.
It’s frustrating when I hurt so much that I feel my husband rather not even try and touch me, but when I’m in the mood he is not. At the same time he says he waits for me to want it, but yet pushes me away when I do.
I’m thankful and grateful for having someone in my life, but it’s not easy trying to be on the same page; when having fibromyalgia, I don’t even think we reading from the same book; let alone being on the same page.

Everyone needs love; but everyone doesn’t show there love in the same ways.

CHRONIC ILLNESS OR NOT WE STILL WANT AND NEED AFFECTION. AT LEAST I DO!

Work Again

June 6, 2014

Work Again

Today my husband told me about a store hiring [Cato’s Fashion] and said that the lady really needed help.
Money has gotten tight and we are barely or not at all trying to make ends meet. So he wants me working now; I want to work again but in my past I failed at staying at a job and that had nothing to do with fibromyalgia, I had ever heard of that, but I suffered from anxiety and depression. Now with more to deal with I am fearful a bit, if someone else gives me a job and I turn around and end up quitting or my fibromyalgia becomes worst.

I just want a job that is worth my time, worth me fighting with this pain for. I been applying for jobs at a hospital but I’ve had no luck; so I will apply for the clothing store job, but if I don’t get it… So to say I’m giving up. And I have no idea what I’m going to do, I don’t want to feel like a user or [i totally just lost my train of lot; can’t remember what the word I was about to use.]

My husband has a full-time job and just got hired for a part-time job and what am I doing? At home trying to figure out what’s best for me to eat, find the strength to exercise, try not to go fucking crazy out of my mind. And doesn’t help this week is period week, so I’m emotional and want to cry about everything or be upset. [mood issues]

GOD HELP!

Pain Wasted Time

May 28, 2014

Pain Wasted Time

“If you’ve been hurt, God can take your bad experiences and make them work for your good. Believing this truth is a positive decision that can help stop your pain.
Choose to learn from the hurtful experiences instead of wasting your pain by allowing them to make you bitter. One way to do this is to overcome evil with good…”
From the book Ending Your Day Right by Joyce Meyer. Copyright © 2004 by Joyce Meyer. Published by FaithWords. All rights reserved.

I know I’ve probably said it before many times over and I’m about to say it again, “pain changed me, but it was somewhat a change for the better.”

Just like the message above says, TAKE YOUR BAD EXPERIENCES AND MAKE THEM WORK FOR YOU. Think about the good things that come along with this, we are always trying to find something to better ourselves; be more healthy, and many walks of life are brought together from all over the world, because we share the terrible thing called pain. Bringing awareness to fibromyalgia is not just on fibromyalgia, things so many other things connected to it that we are spreading awareness about many things that people don’t see as a problem, or life threatening.
You may not die from what we have, but you sure may think about dying a lot, because you feel as if you are.

My positive, happy, love filled heart from yesterday as seemed to stuck around for today, and I have nothing on my mind but being in dreamland today. Hoping my calm, peacefulness stays with me.

DO NOT LET YOUR PAIN BE FOR NO REASON, MAKE THE CHANGES YOU HAVE TO MAKE; IF YOU CAN.

DON’T WASTE ALL TIME HURTING! I know it’s not easy all the time or maybe never, but just think about your loving spouse, partner, kids, best friends, close family. THINK ABOUT LOVE! Love is a powerful thing if used right and it can always see you through the darkest and toughest moments.

I LOVE YOU ALL AND YOU ALL ARE AWESOME, WONDERFUL PEOPLE. fm/cfs

Skin Irritations

May 24, 2014

Skin Irritations

“Even if the skin appears normal on the surface, there is a lot going on beneath the surface to fuel your skin irritations and itchy/burning sensations.”

Today I’m dealing with dry skin, which I’ve been dealing with for years. I’ve always had skin issues since I was a child, pretty much the same as ones complain about having with fibromyalgia. So for me I think well maybe I’ve had fibromyalgia all my life and not know it [its possible.]
And you would think that an easy solution would be to put on lotion and everything will be alright, but it’s never really that simple with fibromyalgia. One problem starts with finding something that helps, then you run out of it and don’t have the money to buy more. Then there’s when you have rubbed your skin down, and you still have to deal with tender, sore, and dry spots that randomly come up.

The worst though is when you can’t find anything that works, and you want rip your skin off because it itches so badly. Some times there is this crawling sensation, which makes you not want anything to touch you. It’s not just the body, it’s my head also. My head itches like crazy, and just like with my skin I have to be careful not to scratch hard because it makes my scalp sore.

I’ve had one really bad experience, which I could not find any relief and I just laid in a tub of warm water and that’s the only thing that helped a bit. But I couldn’t say in the tub forever, so when I got out the itching would start again. Sometimes I think it’s my nerves, and staying hydrated helps a bit.

“fibromyalgia sufferers seem to battle an unfair share of skin problems. In fact, it is thought that between 70% and 80% of people with fibromyalgia suffer from skin problems associated with their illness. On top of these skin problems, these complaints often make fibromyalgia symptoms even worse. Dry itchy skin can make sleeping difficult, and increase pain and fatigue. Skin problems can also make it hard to choose clothes to wear, to eat certain foods, or just carry on with daily life.”

“From rashes to break outs, skin complaints associated with fibromyalgia are numerous. While most of these skin problems are not health threats, they can be very annoying. If you suffer from fibromyalgia and notice that you are having skin problems, consult with your health care provider. He may be able to provide you with appropriate treatment.”

Fibromyalgia Symptoms: Skin Complaints

Daily moisturizer is more like hour to hour, or minute to minute with my skin.