Time heals almost everything given the time.
Waking from a dream about me lying in a hospital bed with a tube giving me oxygen, I was preparing to go in for some sort of surgery I guess on my heart. I was giving my last words to the ones I love just in case I didn’t make it through. After I spoke to the last person, I woke up. After waking up I checked my email and I had one from http://prayables.org and it read:
“Where there’s a will – there’s a way. When you want something so bad that nothing will deter you – you are willing it to happen. Not so with wishing; willing’s meek and mousy cousin. May you be blessed to use the full force of your will today. Boldly state “THERE WILL BE HEALING!” avoid phrases that even have the mildest hint of a wishy-washy wish. Use your spiritual authority – it works.”
Now what really stood out for me in this message was the bold all caps “THERE WILL BE HEALING!” and where there’s a will, there’s a way. This meant so much to me because I chose one word to live by this year and that one word is Healing. Because that is what I need the most, is too be healed, in any way. It is said that God will speak to us through anything and He spoke to me through this message this morning.
Now I’m going to show you why I think I had that dream and show you how Real My God is… Check out these pictures of my blood pressure results and you explain how I’m walking around, talking or even breathing. I choose to believe it’s God, He is the one who wakes me up in the morning and through His strength I’m able to carry on. On this day when I checked my BP I felt ok, truly a “silent killer” I had no idea it would be that high. This is one reason why I need HEALING.
I’m starting to think I’m SUPER HUMAN, how is this possible… Anything is possible with the Lord.
“Be gentle with yourself. You’re doing the best you can. That’s what God expects of you: 100% effort to your own abilities. The resuts may not always be what you’d like them to be. Take an honest assessment of whether or not you gave it your all, if the answer is yes– relax. May God bless you with inner peace for a job well done.” —http://prayables.org
September 11, 2014
I’m up this morning with the worst sore throat ever and all I can think is here it comes, the weather changing effects. Also I got this numbing and tingling feeling in my right foot in my toes.
So far all day I’ve had this numbing feeling in my right foot, along with my feet and ankles hurting. Legs aching a little dizziness, I overall feel different today and not in a good way.
I go from burning up/sweating to cold, and that burning weakness feeling in my arms.
5:38pm and I’m in bed, freezing, breathing heavy and sleepy.
I think it was Saturday I can’t remember, I went in Walmart to buy two items and decided to sit at the blood pressure machine to test myself and I was feeling pretty good actually, at least on the outside I guess, because the results were terrible. I don’t remember for sure the bottom number but the too for sure was 206 and I can’t get that number out my head. It may have been 206/197 maybe, that really changed my mood a bit. And I was like I need to rest and chill out and I need to work on my ways of reliving stress and I seriously need to learn how to block out what people say to me about myself [all the negative crap] I’m still a little hurt about some things that were said in a discussion in the week just ended, also I found out some news that was not good. So overall I been a tired, emotional, stressed, angry, depressed person for days. I’m trying to let on like I’m okay but if someone comes at me and going to let them have it. I’m doing my best to just keep my feelings to myself, do when I’m asked what’s wrong all I’m saying is, “nothing just thinking about stuff.”
I am so on edge and kind of snapping.
I really dislike when people tell you things out I anger and then you’re left wondering if that’s how they really feel, then why come they never said anything before. And why come they’re still wanting to talk to me, still asking me to do things for them, etc…
I’m confused, why would I still want to talk to you and be around you after all you said to me.
I’m frustrated, you know my condition but yet you tell me I’m lazy, then you turn around and tell me to just rest. I know I shouldn’t wish this upon myself but I sometimes want something to happen to me that will make them really see that what in dealing with is real.
You know I have high blood pressure and I have no insurance, no doctor and no money, meaning I have no meds to take, yet you keep telling me I need to do this and that. I know what I need and one thing I don’t need is people pointing out to me the things I am not doing.
And it’s cloudily today and raining off and on all day, I feel sluggish and sick. I have no appetite and I’m tired of drinking fluids, so my stomach is empty right now and I feel I want to throw up.
I’m so tired
August 30, 2014
Today was a family reunion which I haven’t been too in years. I’m staying with my mother and aunt at this time, so of course they thought I was going to go. Even their aunt wanted me to go but I am an adult now I will not be forced into going places I don’t want to go. I haven’t been able to really get any rest this week and not just that my body isn’t up to it, I just don’t care to see those people family or not. My be hurtful but I’m being truthful.
Seems as though my cycle decided to turn off today, I’m glad about that but I still don’t feel good. It’s a good thing I didn’t go anywhere because I was going to take a walk but before leaving out I began feeling not quite right. I decided to eat something and while eating I was felt a bit dizzy/lightheaded. My body started to ache and become weak. I could feel it as I walk around and when using my arms to get clothes out the washer, and I can’t a pain in my hip for a moment there. Today is not my day it seems. Almost every tender point is sore. Along with what is a tension headache I believe because I have some aching in my neck.
I began feeling much worst as if my blood pressure was up, but the machine here at the house wouldn’t work. I drove myself to the nearest walmart and of course they don’t have one for me to test myself. I just don’t feel up to driving to check walgreens or cvs so I just sat in the car in the parking lot for awhile before driving back home. My sight was trying to mess up on me and i in the grumpiest mood ever. I’m irritable and depressed all in one. I’m grumpy and sad, what a mess. I am happy to be alone right now, I’m so going to hate when everyone returns, I’m going to have to try and have a better attitude.
I had a reunion with myself today and it didn’t go well.
July 10, 2014
Days Are Tougher
You may take every day and push yourself and pretend that nothing is wrong and you will be okay. Especially around others, putting on that smile we all get to hide our pain.
But there are some days where you just can’t pretend anymore. For me today is that day, it’s becoming tougher and tougher for me each day. I think I blocked things out about my blood pressure and didn’t think much of it, because I know there’s nothing I can do right now to fix the problem.
I haven’t been feeling well these past weeks and after checking my BP, and seeing the high numbers; I am now freaking out. It’s like I knew but I wasn’t thinking about it, now I am. I’ve slowed down a lot and it’s to the point everything makes me tired.
Today I’ve been having this pain in my chest that comes and goes, it’s more of a sore feeling than hurting pain. But it’s very difficult to ignore, and seemed to jump around a bit. Also a lot muscle twitching today, along with aching and cramping of my joints; when over worked, to cold or in a certain position.
Along with trembling, I am fatigued, and I want to sleep/rest as much and as often as I can. I really don’t want to risk anything, with my blood pressure being so high and my heart as well.
When I put my head to my pillow I can hear the beat of my heart.
“You can have high blood pressure (hypertension) for years without any symptoms. Even without symptoms, damage to blood vessels and your heart continues and can be detected. Uncontrolled high blood pressure increases your risk of serious health problems, including heart attack and stroke.” If you have the resources please make sure to see a doctor as much as you can and as soon as you can.
I’ve had a lot of family members die from heart related issues, so it’s very scary that I don’t know my fate. I am trying to be as strong as I can, but I still cry. [cant help it]
July 9, 2014
How Am I Still Walking Around
I am feeling so tired and out if energy, walking too long makes me ache and standing up for too long makes my ankles and legs hurt. Feet cramping and bottom of them sore. I am falling apart slowly every day.
Today I want to speak about my high blood pressure, it’s very high. And I know I should have been rushing to the ER but I been here before, my husband said if it had of been in the two hundreds he would been taking me to the hospital.
Was walking around the store and stopped at one of those machines in the pharmacy area, I had a feeling it wasn’t going to be could but didn’t no what to expect. The numbers were 158/113 Poor. Also stated the health risks I could have. My heart rate was 116, how has it not popped out my chest.
It’s tough not to think about how at risk my life is, I’m lucky to be breathing, or even waking up out if my sleep.
I hope when open enrollment comes back around, I get added to insurance, and find a doctor that it will help make me better and not worse.
I don’t know why I’m still here; but I am and I am trying to hold on and do what I can. I sometimes fear for my life, not knowing how long I really have. My anxiety is through the roof as well and I just want every one I love to know how much I love them, because life is unpredictable.
March 19, 2014
How is your heart?
Is it broken, torn, dark and full of doubt.
My heart as be broken, and it seems to hurt always. With Fibromyalgia controlling my muscles, when my heart contracts it takes my breath away. But my heart conditions aren’t all to blame on fibromyalgia, I also have high blood pressure. And with depression my heart feels so weak, because my spirit is broken.
Now let’s fast forward a little, I’ve come a long way from where I use to be. I may not be all the way better or found what works. But one day at a time, I have to take like moment by moment or hour by hour.
With everything else in my life other than my health, it’s not as loving as I would like. I have to accept the way people love me and deal with it, but it’s tough when there’s already so much other crap I have to accept that’s going on with me. It breaks my heart when someone I love hurts my feelings, lies to me, puts me down. I have to stop worrying about all that, because stress is going to take me out if I’m not careful.
I’m not working out as much as I should because I’m in pain, so I gained weight, which is causing me to feel bad. Along with high blood pressure, which I’m doing my best to change my eating habits, but that’s hard when the person you love with is slim and can eat whatever and pays you the same things they eat. And it’s even harder when you just can’t seem to say No and I would rather have a salad. The headaches am everything, every single thing that I deal with makes me sad in some way. I fear to be alone because fibromyalgia is so random and I never know what’s going to happen, what kind of pain I will be in. So I would rather have someone than no one. I am financially taken care of by my husband [Basics] and I am thankful. I don’t have someone to be emotionally, mentally here with me and other things that I can’t discuss have put a dark cloud over my heart. Still I try and love but it’s different, I love without trust, I love with doubts.
Every time I think my heart can’t take anymore or I’m about to lose it, it keeps going and I receive that my heart is stronger than I that. And most importantly God is the one that had the control over it, I just need to help take better care of it, and that I’m working on doing. I’m learning to put all my hope, trust and love in Jesus and let thins be. I want to restore my heart, but I can’t if I keep holding on to all that hurts me. So I hope you join me in the quest of letting go and letting God.