Check out this t-shirt and tank, it could have so many different meanings and maybe nothing to others, but to me it means showing my pain on the outside. My illness being invisible to the world is difficult, and I support this movement of the @Invisible_Film because it’s what we all need; it’s time for the invisible to be seen.
It makes me feel seen and this T-shirt will be a conversation starter and easier way to talk to others about what’s going on with you.
It tells others that what I’m going through, dealing with is visible; it’s real.
I hope this will help awareness by allowing a platform that many will watch, who doesn’t like watching a film, as they watch they will see and learn. I hope it opens their eyes and I hope it brings more support and awareness to my cause which is fibromyalgia.
“Supporting the production of a documentary challenging the way society and western medicine view chronic pain and chronic illness.”
invisible Film t-shirt
invisible tank top
February 10, 2014
Waiting For Warmer Days
Again the weather as turned backwards and here I am again trying to get warm. Never thought I would want summer time to come do badly, but the winter has been torture for me this year. On my whole body, but mostly my legs. If my legs become too cold it’s a wrap, aching and soreness, and walking its tough to do. And stiffness becomes harder to deal with, staying in a certain position for to long, it hurts to move.
Having it be so cold took all my energy, with the pain plus the pain of when my period comes on, it took the motivation I started off with this year and dragged me through the last week of the month of January. All I could do was do my best to keep my spirit lifted and keep focus on just having faith, to be able to be happy throughout my days. With that said I had already put on a few extra pounds, that’s why I wanted to make working out a priority. It came to a stand still though and now I have gained so much weight maybe a good thirty almost forty pounds and it has actually caused so much more pain on my body. For the first time I really called myself fat and truly meant it and beloved it. I have I get back right. The pain and the cold weather caused me to slip back into not being able to move and be stiff. Going outside walking to the mailbox takes my breath away.
I told myself I was going to at least try and start back doing my exercise DVD (walk away the pounds) that reminds me I haven’t done it yet, maybe tonight. NO EXCUSES RIGHT! RIGHT?
January 17, 2014
Chronic Fatigue, Insomniac and Nausea
It’s about three o’clock in the morning and I’m up from falling asleep at little after nine o’clock last night; yeah not very long huh. Well that is how it is when you have insomnia, but also having chronic fatigue; one has to get sleep when it comes. Whenever I get sleepy sometimes I can fight and the sleepless goes away, but the longer I stay up unrested the fatigue kicks in over-drive and I can’t keep my eyes open and seems like body is shouting down. Not knowing how long I will be sleep, it could be an hour or hours before I feel refreshed enough to wake up, if I can wake up. Sometimes it’s hard to wake myself up, when I’m down I’m down. And no matter how good I feel it still happens, I could be up for hours. And you know how it’s said that exercising before going to bed makes you tired enough to fall asleep? Yeah well gives me the opposite effect, after working out I feel good and I’m just up until my body is ready to go to sleep. The worst is when I’m so tired to the point I’m yawning over and over again, but can not stay asleep or fall asleep. Eyes won’t stay closed and every little thing wake me up.
Okay now to waking up process, it never fails if I sleep for a very long time or even a few hours I wake up with mucus in my throat, very single time I swallow it’s there, and at times is very bad. The mucus is causing me to become nauseous, because if I try and clear my throat. As soon as I try and clear my throat, I gag and I think I’m going to vomit. Sometimes this feeling can really hurt, the gagging hurts because it feels like something something out but it doesn’t.
Anyhow I want to work out today, but I’m just not sure. I will see, but for now I’m getting back sleepy (go figure). My days seem to all merge together, can’t tell when one day ends and the next one begins. When it lights up again outside, I just tell God thanks for letting me back it to another day.
“Every day is a new day –
a day for new beginnings, new dreams, new action -a day for challenge, adventure, and discovery.”
Day of Newness
Feeling pretty good this morning after getting “deep” sleep last night. The start of my 3rd week of working out and I’m feeling strong, I did 35 minutes on the treadmill reaching one mile under the 30 minute mark, my finish time was 1.45 miles. After leaving out the gym I walked a bit then something in me said jog, so I was just going to jog right to my apartment which is a short distance, but still my mind told me to jog once I reached the sidewalk in front of my apartment building I kept going, following the sidewalk all the way around the other side to a dead end. It felt good and it was a very proud moment for me. Turned around walked and then sprinted to my apartment door. After my heart rated calmed down and I was at rest, a smile came upon my face, I was just smiling. I thought to myself, “wow I’m happy.” With myself I feel nothing but joy in my heart right now for me.
Isaiah 40:31 – “But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew [their] strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; [and] they shall walk, and not faint.”
“It isn’t what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about.” – Dale Carnegie
“You don’t need a reason to be happy,
just a choice.”- Jonathan Lockwood
My morning ended well, with my afternoon beginning and ending with sleep. Body is at a peaceful state even with aches here and there, NEVERTHELESS it could be worst so I’m thankful to feel as good as I do.
Within the Soul
You have to be mindful of your thoughts, our mind can be a powerful weapon, we have to know how to control it and not let it control us. Just do what you need to do, and keep reminding yourself that God got you. There’s no need to worry because most of the time we worry and we are ready for the worst and we know what could go wrong will, to only find out in the end everything works out. It is alright, speak the best/positive into your mind and world. Speak on the best of what could happen, what you want to happen and take time to relax & breathe. It’s alright you know exactly what you need to do, put more focus on yourself a little bit. Believe in the things that make you smile, laugh and promote the best you. Have faith…
I got some much needed sleep, it felt so good and my body was in a very peaceful state along with my mind. Only thing that I felt today was my arm was sore to touch, felt like my skin was burning or something, I couldn’t let it rub up against anything not even my clothes. Then my left knee, kind of had me walking with a leap but NEVERTHELESS I keep on keeping on. Best of my day was getting sleep.
“The soul always knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind.”
The soul is healed by being with the people you love, it’s just something about it that makes you forget all about your troubles and worries. To just laugh, joke and smile, or even say nothing at all; just being around them by their side it warms your heart and relieves so much of your pain. THE POWER OF LOVE IS AMAZING.
Today I did not workout, I did not clean house, but I worked on clearing my thoughts of unneeded things. Before I get to that, I have to say my body aches so badly today. Just from sitting up trying to think and type on my laptop. Side and back pain, when I walk my knee bothered me. It didn’t help that today was cloudy and rainy all day, so it was cold and my knee aches so badly.
Now back to the point at hand, “career” I love and enjoy writing. I figured out that, that was what I wanted to do with myself late into my life. So I have no degree or anything, but my heart made me a writer, my life made me a writer, my thoughts made me a writer. In school I always enjoyed English classes, even when I had a college course, I ace the English class (technical writing) only class I I did good in, except desktop publishing class.
With all my craziness in my life I turned to writing to express myself, it was the one thing that did not hurt me. I started writing poetry and I was free to say whatever I wanted, I didn’t have to answer, or think of what anyone else would think. No one judged it, they kind of praised it after I began sharing. They were shocked to know certain thing were in my mind, that I thought in that way. I felt I needed to do bigger and better, so I started short stories then only to feel I could maybe go even bigger and write a novel. I thought that would be the only way I could call myself a writer and be pride, have the title as an author. I was determine to do it, but in so many people eyes I failed over an over again. And today something new was on my heart, I confessed to myself that maybe writing a novel is just not for me. It started to hurt me and the more negative I got the more my joy and passion was leaving from it. And with my “brain fog” it’s been harder and taking me longer to write and finish one chapter. It takes me so long at times to figure out how to spell a word, that it makes me want to cry because I can’t think of what it starts with, ends with or anything. People saying that they’re confused when reading my work. I will take my time and try to finish what I’ve started but I need to et back to that freedom, that peace that I had at the beginning of just writing what I felt and what’s on my mind and heart, what’s in my soul. So today I went from and “author” to a writer.
I decided to create a new blog and I will get what on my heart out there. I spent all morning setting it up and posting some things I already had written. My body was aching but I was focused on my body to today. Then I went to bed to finally fall asleep to rest. All night it rained and when I walk I kind of walk with a limp because of my knee. Again I will rest this weekend and get back at itMonday morning.
I can only follow my heart at the end of the day, that’s all I have.