We are WildFlowers

Posts tagged ‘Leave Me alone’

Confession Sunday

Hello WildFlowers

It’s Sunday and I know I should not be worried about tomorrow but I am a bit. Part of me had a plan of calling or going up there to the job and do what I have to do to get it. The other “parts” of me Ms. Anxiety and Ms. Depression along with Queen Fibro, they have caused me to question everything. Friday day I got muscle spasms after using the bathroom. The muscle spasms lasted the rest of the day and night. I thought going to sleep, it would help relax my body, but that didn’t help at all.

Queen Fibro, she’s whispering in my ear making me question if I can really do this. Along with Ms. Anxiety questioning everything that could go wrong. How will I explain all the years I’ve been out of work. Ms. Depression is telling me to just keep working at doing my writing, crocheting or knitting.

I fear reaching out. I told myself I will wait to see if I get a phone call Monday. Hopeful that since I’ve been a assistant manager before despite being out of work for years, I will get a call for an interview.

I regret not printing out my resume but honestly, I don’t really know how much I want this. I’m so conflicted, I need money, I should have money, I fear failing, I fear being fired, I be leaving another job. I’ve done it so much in my past that what will make it different now. I’m older and in more pain now so it’s even harder to want to do it.

I want a career. I don’t want to get stuck at some job. Unlike most people I know I won’t me able to work a job and still focus on trying to build a career. All my focus will go to just trying to do that one job, which isn’t even worth it. It will put a little something in my pocket and keep people off my back about not working. It would hopefully take my guilt away.

The thing is I feel I’m still not doing it for myself despite wanting some money. Money has never been my driving force to anything.

I’m so messed up. I have to stop thinking about this now before I go into a panic attack.

Have a wonderful restful day.

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Personality

At some point in my life I started looking into my zodiac sign and I am a Libra, which in most ways describe me but in others it doesn’t.

Now I know you must be wondering what am I getting at. Well for most people they have a person they used to be, things they used to do and so forth, someone they would maybe wish they could be again or not. My point in saying this is, I don’t have that. The person I am is all I’ve known all my life. I’ve lived with anxiety since I was a child, so yeah I was never a “social butterfly” I’ve always been on edge, scared and a over thinker. Like I said a lot of things show that it’s natural because of my zodiac sign I’m naturally a over thinker and prone to get depressed at times. Then a few years ago I looked into the Briggs-Myers personality test http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp (here’s a free version an example) and after doing it my results was the INFJ personality. I am an introvert, and again which this information I found out that this type of personality is somewhat rare and very “messed up” I laugh at thinking about it because that’s the best way I can explain it at the moment.

Like others with chronic illnesses I too am good at putting on a smile and being around others, but it makes me exhausted trying to not think about all that I’m feeling in that moment. I could be having fun laughing and such but still thinking about how uncomfortable I am, how much I want to take my clothes off and be back in bed, etc…

This personality also shows signs of anxiety…

Most people say that there illnesses have changed them, which may be true for the most part but for myself, I feel this has always been who I was. The anxiety, depression, fibromyalgia, caused me to become more of this person and of course I do know it has stopped me from becoming or being the person I thought or think I should be. Maybe I am who I’m supposed to be though. It sucks feeling this way but it’s all I know. I’ve always been different from the people around me and always seen things differently. Maybe I was meant to be this way so others around me can be the way they are. Maybe there is no changing me, this is me and I just want to be accepted the way I am and not looked at and made to feel like the person I am is not good enough.

I don’t want to be silent anymore or ashamed of myself. I want to speak out more and let the people around me know how I feel and that looks can be deceiving. Love me or hate me, this is me.

You take the chronic pain away and all the other symptoms and I’m left with the younger self I once knew but still with anxiety. If you take the anxiety away, then I won’t know who you would have because I don’t know that person. I know this could be debatable but I was born a baby with concerns of the world as I looked around. Created from two parents that were depressed. One who suffered from major depression and another who drunk to deal with it. I was born and surrounded by other people sadness, madness and I felt it all, all the emotions. I wasn’t the type of child to sit and play with my toys and block out the world, I watched and it all affected me in some way. I won’t go into detail of things that happened but as a child I should not have been around or known of the things that occurred. My trauma started early and never seemed to come to an end.

Edge of the Cliff

Hi, WildFlowers

Hope you all are feeling better than me today. Today I feel so sad, crying and I’m tired. I’m tired and I haven’t even done anything. I don’t even feel like trying to explain what I’m feeling in my body right now. All day long. It’s been a tough few months. Day after day. When the new day starts I’m woke, when the day is moving along I am still, in bed trying to get sleep. By night fall I’m wide awoke again most of the time. There are times that I stay up and try to keep myself busy but with the proper rest, I feel sick.

I feel like nothing I eat or drink agrees with me. To be honest I really don’t want to eat anymore. I try to go as long as I can and not eat. I’m tried of drinking and going to the bathroom. I guess I’m just tried of what is called my life.

One of the most frustrating things are, when you’ve told your family and friends you have fibromyalgia, you have told them all the symptoms even printed them out for them to see and read. Constantly talking about it and explaining. Then when you don’t feel well and they ask what’s wrong, you tell them what you’re feeling and they ask you why are you feeling that way or what did you do. Oh how crazy it is you feel that way etc…

In that moment I feel as if no one cares and of course no one understands. The crap just happens and I don’t know why. It’s like they don’t care to keep that information in their head of What fibromyalgia does to someone. They have no clue.

No one wants to hear about how I feel but then they tell me about their aches and pains as if their pain is more relevant than mine. Don’t forget about the age. People older feel they have a right to feel the way they do and wonder what’s my reason or how, why, would be aching and joints popping, I’m too young to be feeling that way etc…

Failure at Life 

It’s a little after five in the morning and I been up since yesterday, I can’t sleep. I’m crying still thinking of things said to me yesterday. 

I’m going to move on from it but it will always remain with me as a weight on my back. 

No one understands me and they all think they know me, it’s laughable. 

Here’s some things said to me yesterday by my mother, FYI she has major depression sees a therapist and psychologist and takes prescription drugs for it among other things. 

The first statement was said to me after she asked me a question but knew i was about to get started up and she wanted to stop me. This happens a lot because she can’t handle my truth and the way I see things and she doesn’t like when I remind her of my childhood. Yes she did the very best she could but she fails to realize I did my very best as well and that’s what I continue to do, my best without having a nervous breakdown and ending up being admitted into a hospital. 

“No I’m sorry I asked. Nope, I don’t want to hear what you have to say. I know whatever you’re about to say is going to be stupid.” 

These statements were said when I explained how I don’t agree with taking drugs. As if I’m going to pop a pill and it’s going to motivate me to want to live in this world. As if it’s going to make me a entirely different person. It’s going to make me look at life so much better and I’m going to be so happy and nothing will ever bother me or worry me again. 

“So when are you going to fix yourself?” 

“When are you going to get help?” 

This statement here I didn’t even understand. I guess life and living is about money. If I was working no matter how much I make, no matter how I feel, it would make people look at me as a better person. 

“It’s not that you’re unimportant, it’s that you don’t stay at a job for very long.” 

I’ve worked many jobs, longest time was eleven months. Every job I worked extremely hard, gave it my all. Mostly retail jobs but also some working with food. The most I ever got paid an hour was $9.50. Still living at home at the time I had to help pay bills. So it was impossible for me to save anything. I didn’t see how I would ever get enough money to get my own car or my own place to stay. I remember my mom told me that I wouldn’t be able to make it on my own or afford it. I only got praised when I was doing what I was told or she was in a loving, caring mood. 

Growing up life for me became more difficult every day. 

She hates when I say, “Well you wanted to have kids.” Or “I didn’t ask to be born.” 

I think it’s wrong for people to become parents and think that them doing what they think is the best they could do is good enough and after 18 years old sometimes sooner, that now it’s the child who has to figure out life from there. Being told “I didn’t have anyone to tell me how to do things or explain it to me. I had to figure it out on my own.” 

Wow, it’s just wrong. At some point the chain has to be broken. I love my mom so much but she should not have had me. I should not be here. 

I believe when I was born, both my parents were depressed and it got worst. My entire life I have been trying to fix myself. I’ve been trying to fit in. I’ve been trying to live as others do. My entire life I have not wanted to be here. 

I apologize for being a disappointment and not trying hard enough. Not being able to be someone who they can brag about. 

It’s not that I’m lazy I just can’t handle all the stress in the world. Stress of working and stress at home it is just too much for me. It’s not that I want someone to support me it’s just I’m already working overtime tending to my mind, body and soul. The sad part is I believe I’m failing at that as well. 

No Matter How I Feel 

No matter how I feel, I seem not to be doing that bad in the eyes of others. 

“Oh you’re be alright.” 

It is sad and frustrating that I realized tonight, that maybe I’m doing exactly what I’m meant to do. Even though I feel I’m not doing enough, or not doing what others want me to do. I’m not doing anything that pays out enough money for me to survive. 

“You do it so well.”

My mom is sick, upper respiratory infection. She has this really bad cough and a wheezing. Already been to the hospital and got prescriptions filled so I hope she will feel better sooner than later. I don’t feel good myself. I started coughing yesterday and I couldn’t believe it. I have never or I can’t remember ever having a cough like I have right now. Along with my period being on, I feel like crap and I’m trying not to be emotional. 
My mom asked me if I would fix your something to eat and get her something else to drink. Deep down I wanted to say no I don’t feel like it but I didn’t. I went and got it done. I started to cry because I realized that no matter how I feel, this is what I do.

 

The things I do, if I didn’t do these things, who would? 


Then I realized if I didn’t have my husband right now making the income, then I would have to do that as well, along with the things I already do. Of course I would like to think I would not have to, but it wouldn’t matter. No one would care I worked 8 hours or how much. It would be sayings like, “You younger than me.” Etc… 
No one cares how I feel. I will be alright and I don’t do anything anyways right, so I shouldn’t be tired. 
If I could just disappear when I feel like this, that would be nice. 

Am I Here For Your Amusement? 

  

I’ve been feeling like I just want to be left alone.

One day I was having a conversation with my niece and she was speaking about how she doesn’t want nor need a boyfriend right now she’s focused on college and having a career. I’m so proud of her, doing what I couldn’t and doing what I should’ve done. 
     It got me thinking and I’m like I never took time to be selfish and just think about myself. I was always concerned about others. Everything I did in my life was for everyone else. It was to make them happy and to keep them off my back. The only thing I did for me was abuse myself and no one cared. No one ever stopped and asked me what was wrong, how do I feel, what’s on your mind, how can I help you, what you need for me to do. Everyone was always so selfish. One time when someone called me selfish I was taken back because I’m like I’m selfish because I want to spend time with you, I’m selfish because I want to talk to you. That made me question myself yet again, like I’m this horrible person. 

     Now I just want to be selfish. I want to think about me. I’ve lived my life encouraging others and never getting that encouragement back in return. Just that means I have to work that much harder to succeed. I don’t have any cheerleaders and it’s not easy trying to accomplish goals when you’re battling depression, anxiety and chronic pain everyday. I spend most of the time telling myself I can’t instead of just doing what I need to do. 

        When I decided I wanted to become a writer, I was still unsure. I knew I was a writer, it was in my heart but I knew it wasn’t good enough for the ones around me. I was still trying to live my life for others. Year after year I would always tell myself I’m not good enough, I need to stop, I need to get a good paying job to be able to support myself and forget about writing. Every time I tried I failed. I would always end up with paper and a pen in my hand and it was calling out to me. I was fighting against the wrong things. 

      The past few years life has changed me drastically. I feel I don’t fit in so when I’m around others I put on this smile, try to have the right mood. I don’t want to frown or say the wrong things. I don’t want to have to explain what’s wrong with me. I don’t what to get stared at like I’m different, I already get enough stares as it is. I just want to spend my time with the people who matter the most to me, and who it will make a difference too. People who will speak of me the right way when I’m gone, people who really know all the different sides to me. The good, the bad, the ugly. I make just enough time for those people, and the rest of the time I need for myself. 

    I’ve always been a homebody. I went from not wanting to be alone to wanting to be alone. I went from feeling lonely to embracing it. 

      I just want people to care enough to ask that one simple question… How’s your book coming along?” I want to feel proud to be a writer, I want to be confident enough to say I’m a author. I want to feel that people take me seriously and not as a joke.

       I will continue to wear my smile for those who can’t handle my frown. 

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