We are WildFlowers

Posts tagged ‘Life of Pain’

Edge of the Cliff

Hi, WildFlowers

Hope you all are feeling better than me today. Today I feel so sad, crying and I’m tired. I’m tired and I haven’t even done anything. I don’t even feel like trying to explain what I’m feeling in my body right now. All day long. It’s been a tough few months. Day after day. When the new day starts I’m woke, when the day is moving along I am still, in bed trying to get sleep. By night fall I’m wide awoke again most of the time. There are times that I stay up and try to keep myself busy but with the proper rest, I feel sick.

I feel like nothing I eat or drink agrees with me. To be honest I really don’t want to eat anymore. I try to go as long as I can and not eat. I’m tried of drinking and going to the bathroom. I guess I’m just tried of what is called my life.

One of the most frustrating things are, when you’ve told your family and friends you have fibromyalgia, you have told them all the symptoms even printed them out for them to see and read. Constantly talking about it and explaining. Then when you don’t feel well and they ask what’s wrong, you tell them what you’re feeling and they ask you why are you feeling that way or what did you do. Oh how crazy it is you feel that way etc…

In that moment I feel as if no one cares and of course no one understands. The crap just happens and I don’t know why. It’s like they don’t care to keep that information in their head of What fibromyalgia does to someone. They have no clue.

No one wants to hear about how I feel but then they tell me about their aches and pains as if their pain is more relevant than mine. Don’t forget about the age. People older feel they have a right to feel the way they do and wonder what’s my reason or how, why, would be aching and joints popping, I’m too young to be feeling that way etc…

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Failure at Life 

It’s a little after five in the morning and I been up since yesterday, I can’t sleep. I’m crying still thinking of things said to me yesterday. 

I’m going to move on from it but it will always remain with me as a weight on my back. 

No one understands me and they all think they know me, it’s laughable. 

Here’s some things said to me yesterday by my mother, FYI she has major depression sees a therapist and psychologist and takes prescription drugs for it among other things. 

The first statement was said to me after she asked me a question but knew i was about to get started up and she wanted to stop me. This happens a lot because she can’t handle my truth and the way I see things and she doesn’t like when I remind her of my childhood. Yes she did the very best she could but she fails to realize I did my very best as well and that’s what I continue to do, my best without having a nervous breakdown and ending up being admitted into a hospital. 

“No I’m sorry I asked. Nope, I don’t want to hear what you have to say. I know whatever you’re about to say is going to be stupid.” 

These statements were said when I explained how I don’t agree with taking drugs. As if I’m going to pop a pill and it’s going to motivate me to want to live in this world. As if it’s going to make me a entirely different person. It’s going to make me look at life so much better and I’m going to be so happy and nothing will ever bother me or worry me again. 

“So when are you going to fix yourself?” 

“When are you going to get help?” 

This statement here I didn’t even understand. I guess life and living is about money. If I was working no matter how much I make, no matter how I feel, it would make people look at me as a better person. 

“It’s not that you’re unimportant, it’s that you don’t stay at a job for very long.” 

I’ve worked many jobs, longest time was eleven months. Every job I worked extremely hard, gave it my all. Mostly retail jobs but also some working with food. The most I ever got paid an hour was $9.50. Still living at home at the time I had to help pay bills. So it was impossible for me to save anything. I didn’t see how I would ever get enough money to get my own car or my own place to stay. I remember my mom told me that I wouldn’t be able to make it on my own or afford it. I only got praised when I was doing what I was told or she was in a loving, caring mood. 

Growing up life for me became more difficult every day. 

She hates when I say, “Well you wanted to have kids.” Or “I didn’t ask to be born.” 

I think it’s wrong for people to become parents and think that them doing what they think is the best they could do is good enough and after 18 years old sometimes sooner, that now it’s the child who has to figure out life from there. Being told “I didn’t have anyone to tell me how to do things or explain it to me. I had to figure it out on my own.” 

Wow, it’s just wrong. At some point the chain has to be broken. I love my mom so much but she should not have had me. I should not be here. 

I believe when I was born, both my parents were depressed and it got worst. My entire life I have been trying to fix myself. I’ve been trying to fit in. I’ve been trying to live as others do. My entire life I have not wanted to be here. 

I apologize for being a disappointment and not trying hard enough. Not being able to be someone who they can brag about. 

It’s not that I’m lazy I just can’t handle all the stress in the world. Stress of working and stress at home it is just too much for me. It’s not that I want someone to support me it’s just I’m already working overtime tending to my mind, body and soul. The sad part is I believe I’m failing at that as well. 

Life Changer 

Today I read a message that was sent to me and it like many others I’ve received. It’s full of hope about being “cured” about making life better, having a life without pain. The funny thing is I’m not in pain right now as I’m writing this but like any other day that could change at any moment. I wanted to share the message with you all and share my response. I hope I do not offend the person who sent me the message but I dislike people who send me messages of wanting to talk to me about something that will fix me, as if I’m broken. Well they stated that it’s something that will give me my life back. The one problem with that is unlike others, this is the only life I’ve known. It hasn’t been any better or any worst. It just is what it is. Everyone with or without a chronic illness will have good and bad days, they will also want to vent or complain a bit. My life is what it is and even with chronic pain I don’t know what I would be doing differently. My pain isn’t what has stopped me, many other factors in my life have kept me from succeeding. I was on a downward spiral on an never ending roller-coaster and fibromyalgia forced me to stop and examine my life and realize I had many habits that needed to stop. My pain is a wake up call, a reminder of I’m still not the person I should be. 

If mentally I’m the same person and I spend money to buy any and everything that could make me feel better, for how long will it work? Won’t I become depended on it? What happens if I can’t get it anymore? 

I may not always be smiling and hopeful for my down days don’t last as long as they used too. Mentally I’m much stronger now than I’ve ever been. My body is forcing me to make changes but I want to be able to find a way that doesn’t have me buying some special kind of product regardless if it’s “healthy” or “natural” I have a long way to go. Financially I want to start with the basics such as the food I eat, getting enough sleep and being as active as I can. Until I’m able to get those things under control I’m not wasting money. I need free solutions for my life. I know many will argue that it’s worth it but I don’t agree. I want to just be able to buy fresh vegetables or grow my own and eat without worrying that it’s going to make me sick. I want to be able to have a drug-free life. I made it to age 33 I think I can make it many more years. (Just how I feel about my life) 

Message Sent:  “HI Melissa, How are you going? I kind of feel like that is a silly question as I just read your current blog (from the 10th). I wanted to connect as I have a large circle of people around me with Fibromyalgia and we have found something that has given them their lives back. Sounds crazy and impossible, I know! They all think the same things 😂 If you would like to connect, and learn more, please feel free to get in contact with me. I would love to skype/face time and find out more about you. Take care.”

My response: Hi, financially I can not buy anything to try in hopes it will magically make me feel better. The difference from me and others is, other people had a life they loved before fibromyalgia and have a point that they wish to get back to. Since I was young I’ve lived with anxiety and depression and the fibromyalgia came later, which I feel I maybe always had. I don’t have a life to get back. I just have the life that I live. I’m still here and still going, I don’t look at my pain as a life stopper, I feel it’s been a life changer for the better. It sucks and it is very painful at times but I don’t like being told that there is some fix all product. If there is why be so secret about it. Give me something to post and let everyone know about this wonderful thing that will give them there lives back. Thank you take care. 

Anniversary of Life

January 12,2014

Anniversary of Life

Not only am I celebrating my 5th wedding anniversary today, but I am also celebrating me surviving pain. After meeting my husband and while we were dating I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Even though I think I had in my childhood, there isn’t really any proof of that. Only that I always had very itchy skin and I got my mensal cycle as early as first grade and I was in a lot of pain, pain that only remained the same and got worst as I grew older. I still have painful periods. Also it’s been like twelve plus years with anxiety & depression. I can count on my hands the the meds I took as a teen and I quit every last one because I didn’t like how it made me feel. I stopped taking them on my own, and it’s said that that can cause problems, so guess I screwed myself even worst. Wasn’t my idea to take anything to start with, but I’ve made it another year with only taking like ibuprofen, advil, when I have it and it doesn’t work all the time. I remember being depressed & scared(anxiety) as a child, I just always thought I was different. (Still do) NEVERTHELESS I love myself though. I’m going to celebrate this day and hopefully it will be full of laughs, love & smiles. These years have not been easy, NEVERTHELESS I’ve always seen the blessings in disguise. I’m a better woman, even more wiser. Without the help of God we would not still be, without not being able to see past all the b.s and see the persons that we really are…we would not still be. He knows what he has, I know what I have, so despite it all We will always come together. Whenever you think we are on the edge of falling, just know we are there to pull each other up every time. Whenever you think you’ve pulled us apart, trust and believe you’ve only pushed us closer together.  LOYALTY ALWAYS
Anyways back to the celebrating…

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