We are WildFlowers

Posts tagged ‘Mental Awareness’

Failure at Life 

It’s a little after five in the morning and I been up since yesterday, I can’t sleep. I’m crying still thinking of things said to me yesterday. 

I’m going to move on from it but it will always remain with me as a weight on my back. 

No one understands me and they all think they know me, it’s laughable. 

Here’s some things said to me yesterday by my mother, FYI she has major depression sees a therapist and psychologist and takes prescription drugs for it among other things. 

The first statement was said to me after she asked me a question but knew i was about to get started up and she wanted to stop me. This happens a lot because she can’t handle my truth and the way I see things and she doesn’t like when I remind her of my childhood. Yes she did the very best she could but she fails to realize I did my very best as well and that’s what I continue to do, my best without having a nervous breakdown and ending up being admitted into a hospital. 

“No I’m sorry I asked. Nope, I don’t want to hear what you have to say. I know whatever you’re about to say is going to be stupid.” 

These statements were said when I explained how I don’t agree with taking drugs. As if I’m going to pop a pill and it’s going to motivate me to want to live in this world. As if it’s going to make me a entirely different person. It’s going to make me look at life so much better and I’m going to be so happy and nothing will ever bother me or worry me again. 

“So when are you going to fix yourself?” 

“When are you going to get help?” 

This statement here I didn’t even understand. I guess life and living is about money. If I was working no matter how much I make, no matter how I feel, it would make people look at me as a better person. 

“It’s not that you’re unimportant, it’s that you don’t stay at a job for very long.” 

I’ve worked many jobs, longest time was eleven months. Every job I worked extremely hard, gave it my all. Mostly retail jobs but also some working with food. The most I ever got paid an hour was $9.50. Still living at home at the time I had to help pay bills. So it was impossible for me to save anything. I didn’t see how I would ever get enough money to get my own car or my own place to stay. I remember my mom told me that I wouldn’t be able to make it on my own or afford it. I only got praised when I was doing what I was told or she was in a loving, caring mood. 

Growing up life for me became more difficult every day. 

She hates when I say, “Well you wanted to have kids.” Or “I didn’t ask to be born.” 

I think it’s wrong for people to become parents and think that them doing what they think is the best they could do is good enough and after 18 years old sometimes sooner, that now it’s the child who has to figure out life from there. Being told “I didn’t have anyone to tell me how to do things or explain it to me. I had to figure it out on my own.” 

Wow, it’s just wrong. At some point the chain has to be broken. I love my mom so much but she should not have had me. I should not be here. 

I believe when I was born, both my parents were depressed and it got worst. My entire life I have been trying to fix myself. I’ve been trying to fit in. I’ve been trying to live as others do. My entire life I have not wanted to be here. 

I apologize for being a disappointment and not trying hard enough. Not being able to be someone who they can brag about. 

It’s not that I’m lazy I just can’t handle all the stress in the world. Stress of working and stress at home it is just too much for me. It’s not that I want someone to support me it’s just I’m already working overtime tending to my mind, body and soul. The sad part is I believe I’m failing at that as well. 

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Two Way Mirror 

Do you have family or friends close to you that are dealing with some kind of illness different or the same as yours and they have a hard time treating you in the way they would want to be treated. They may compare things in a way as if saying you’re not going through as much as them or how they are dealing with the same thing but it’s so different. 

They are not able to find the words for you that you need to hear. Sometimes they even end up making you feel worse. 

When you go to someone to open up about your feelings and that person looks at you and only sees them self and turns it around to talk about themselves. 

Some people feel if they have had to suffer and figure out on their own then you should do the same. They might say, “I didn’t have any help.” 

Myself, I try my best to uplift someone who comes to me. They felt comfortable enough or maybe I was the only person for them to talk to and even if I can relate, I listen and I remind them of positive things despite how I feel. Helping someone else makes me feel better as a person. Makes me feel I am living in purpose. 

When they are only looking at themselves, I’m looking through seeing much more. 

What do you see? 

Don’t be selfish, help motivate someone and encourage them. People who you love remind them why they are needed, why you love them. If they are lost help try to figure out what direction they need to go. All you have to do is listen and pay attention. 

God has kept me here for a reason. I just want others to see what I see. 

Bless whom is reading this. 

The Struggle of Change 

Speaking from my own life experience, changing ones lifestyle is not easy. For myself it’s the influence of others around me, the people I live with. It doesn’t help living with depression and anxiety and my personality of not wanting to deal with confrontation and just going with the flow to keep a peaceful environment. It is difficult to say no to many things. 

When you want to change your eating habits and realize that you’re not really hungry, but people who love you want to feed you all the time. They want to offer you food and you feel bad for turning them down when they went out their way to cook or buy food. 

No one else in the house cares to eat differently and you find it hard to not eat what they’re eating. No one else in the house wants to exercise every day so you’re left to do it alone and can’t always motivate yourself to just get up and do it. 

[ My anxiety causes me to feel that if I start to exercise at home people are going to ask me what I’m doing and bother me, look at me as if I’m crazy. ]

Then there are times were you feel so down that you give up and don’t care and all of what you were trying to accomplish goes out the window and you want all of what you love despite the fact you know you don’t need it and it may even make you feel worst than you already do. 

The struggle is real and it’s not easy for everyone. It’s sad to say but I believe if you were to tell your family that you have been diagnosed with cancer, I bet everyone would be by your side in helping you live a better life. 

When you have anxiety, depression and fibromyalgia, no one cares. No one wants to help you and you are told to suck it up and just do what you have to do. 

The Root 


So many people become sick and once they have been diagnosed, they feel as if they are on the right path of knowing what is wrong. Some think that it’s the last stage of knowing, like ok this is it, but that is farthest from the truth. Now you have to find the root, meaning why did you get what you were diagnosed with? 

I feel that most doctors are quick to throw prescription drugs at people and give them false hope of living a “normal” life. Even if doctors request you change your diet and exercise they still recommend taking a prescription, which leads to taking more things or for some, side effects. I get that we need help and prescription drugs are said to be “safe” if taking the right dosage but I have some issues with taking drugs. 

1.) Not being able to just stop the drug, you have to be taken off of it slowly, this is what is told. That if you just quit taking it, that could cause serious side effects. 

2.) side effects, which no one needs. At times you are given another drug for the side effects. 

3.) dependence, becoming depended on whatever drug and feeling sick if you don’t have it. 

4.) What if it stops working. Then you have to be put on something new in hopes it will work as good. 

5.) Solution, feels like a never ending cycle. 

The point I’m trying to make is, shouldn’t you be able to live a drug-free life. Why is it that the right solution is always taking some kind of drug. I know it is a debatable issue and I am not knocking that drugs help some people. 

My opinion is mostly based on watching someone close to me go through the stages of finding what works. My entirely life I’ve watched my mom go through the struggles of major depression and her having the prescribed drugs from her doctor that she used to overdose on attempting to commit suicide. I won’t get into how damaging that was for me to watch and thinking I would lose my mom forever. Years later, her still going to a therapist and psychologist and it’s still the same. The scary part about it all is that without the drugs she gives up, without the drugs it’s like an addict going cold-turkey. She doesn’t want to have to take all the medicine but she truly believes if she stops, that is it, she won’t be able to make it. Even with the drugs she still has very down days and worries, still has suicidal thoughts but maybe not as much. 

Everyone is different and I understand that people cope in ways that they can to be able to function and make it day to day. 

The sad truth is that we can’t even depend on being truly healthy by eating fruits and vegetables. Our food being sprayed with chemicals and so forth. We can’t trust anything theses days, even our drinking water. No matter what we do we are programmed to be damaged. 

We have products being made to be a solution to all that. Stating that they are natural and that is what we gravitate towards and we invest all our money into it and there are many testimonies about how they all work and help fix problems. Still I see it as being depended on something. 

People have to work towards being able to live there life without the help of something extra. 

Think about the steps of how a garden grows. The dirt, the seeds, and you allow nature to take it course with sunlight and rain. You don’t have to do anything special but tend to it. It will grow without any chemicals, so shouldn’t your body be able to do the same? 

Everyone isn’t able to grow there on fruits and vegetables but knowing that maybe at a farmers market you can trust they don’t use any chemicals to grow. If you eat fresh fruits and vegetables, get you some sunshine and drink clean water, shouldn’t it be that easy? Why isn’t it? 

What is the root of the problem? 

Life Changer 

Today I read a message that was sent to me and it like many others I’ve received. It’s full of hope about being “cured” about making life better, having a life without pain. The funny thing is I’m not in pain right now as I’m writing this but like any other day that could change at any moment. I wanted to share the message with you all and share my response. I hope I do not offend the person who sent me the message but I dislike people who send me messages of wanting to talk to me about something that will fix me, as if I’m broken. Well they stated that it’s something that will give me my life back. The one problem with that is unlike others, this is the only life I’ve known. It hasn’t been any better or any worst. It just is what it is. Everyone with or without a chronic illness will have good and bad days, they will also want to vent or complain a bit. My life is what it is and even with chronic pain I don’t know what I would be doing differently. My pain isn’t what has stopped me, many other factors in my life have kept me from succeeding. I was on a downward spiral on an never ending roller-coaster and fibromyalgia forced me to stop and examine my life and realize I had many habits that needed to stop. My pain is a wake up call, a reminder of I’m still not the person I should be. 

If mentally I’m the same person and I spend money to buy any and everything that could make me feel better, for how long will it work? Won’t I become depended on it? What happens if I can’t get it anymore? 

I may not always be smiling and hopeful for my down days don’t last as long as they used too. Mentally I’m much stronger now than I’ve ever been. My body is forcing me to make changes but I want to be able to find a way that doesn’t have me buying some special kind of product regardless if it’s “healthy” or “natural” I have a long way to go. Financially I want to start with the basics such as the food I eat, getting enough sleep and being as active as I can. Until I’m able to get those things under control I’m not wasting money. I need free solutions for my life. I know many will argue that it’s worth it but I don’t agree. I want to just be able to buy fresh vegetables or grow my own and eat without worrying that it’s going to make me sick. I want to be able to have a drug-free life. I made it to age 33 I think I can make it many more years. (Just how I feel about my life) 

Message Sent:  “HI Melissa, How are you going? I kind of feel like that is a silly question as I just read your current blog (from the 10th). I wanted to connect as I have a large circle of people around me with Fibromyalgia and we have found something that has given them their lives back. Sounds crazy and impossible, I know! They all think the same things 😂 If you would like to connect, and learn more, please feel free to get in contact with me. I would love to skype/face time and find out more about you. Take care.”

My response: Hi, financially I can not buy anything to try in hopes it will magically make me feel better. The difference from me and others is, other people had a life they loved before fibromyalgia and have a point that they wish to get back to. Since I was young I’ve lived with anxiety and depression and the fibromyalgia came later, which I feel I maybe always had. I don’t have a life to get back. I just have the life that I live. I’m still here and still going, I don’t look at my pain as a life stopper, I feel it’s been a life changer for the better. It sucks and it is very painful at times but I don’t like being told that there is some fix all product. If there is why be so secret about it. Give me something to post and let everyone know about this wonderful thing that will give them there lives back. Thank you take care. 

Mental Awareness

Mental Awareness.

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