It’s Sunday and I know I should not be worried about tomorrow but I am a bit. Part of me had a plan of calling or going up there to the job and do what I have to do to get it. The other “parts” of me Ms. Anxiety and Ms. Depression along with Queen Fibro, they have caused me to question everything. Friday day I got muscle spasms after using the bathroom. The muscle spasms lasted the rest of the day and night. I thought going to sleep, it would help relax my body, but that didn’t help at all.
Queen Fibro, she’s whispering in my ear making me question if I can really do this. Along with Ms. Anxiety questioning everything that could go wrong. How will I explain all the years I’ve been out of work. Ms. Depression is telling me to just keep working at doing my writing, crocheting or knitting.
I fear reaching out. I told myself I will wait to see if I get a phone call Monday. Hopeful that since I’ve been a assistant manager before despite being out of work for years, I will get a call for an interview.
I regret not printing out my resume but honestly, I don’t really know how much I want this. I’m so conflicted, I need money, I should have money, I fear failing, I fear being fired, I be leaving another job. I’ve done it so much in my past that what will make it different now. I’m older and in more pain now so it’s even harder to want to do it.
I want a career. I don’t want to get stuck at some job. Unlike most people I know I won’t me able to work a job and still focus on trying to build a career. All my focus will go to just trying to do that one job, which isn’t even worth it. It will put a little something in my pocket and keep people off my back about not working. It would hopefully take my guilt away.
The thing is I feel I’m still not doing it for myself despite wanting some money. Money has never been my driving force to anything.
I’m so messed up. I have to stop thinking about this now before I go into a panic attack.
Have a wonderful restful day.
I’m feeling so off balance; that I feel like blah. I feel as though I’m stuck in a never ending series of events.
So off balance that my sex drive has disappeared. I know most people with chronic pain may say that it hurts to bad to be sexual, but that seemed to be apart of myself I couldn’t let go. Gives me a reason to actually be feeling the pain and not just being here in pain, for no reason at all. It’s like a nice release [escape] from everything around me. When done right it relaxes me. But like I said lately, I haven’t been feeling it; don’t want to be touched really or bothered. Its as if things has switched, I used to want it so much but now I don’t and he does. Never thought this day would happen.
I’m thinking about as if like is this a step of growth? I don’t want it as much as I thought and now I can do without. Why couldn’t this have happened when I was a teenager? Pain or no pain, love making can be a beautiful and healing experience. [For Myself]
I feel off balance in my body, from my weight going up and down, and not feeling as if I have no control of what’s happening to my body. Something can start off working, then just stop. It’s so difficult trying to figure out a routine of some sort because my body changes so much. I go from having a realgar [BM] almost everyday to not being able to do anything and I have to deal with gas. (feels like extra weight)
I feel so off balance with mind. Have you ever felt like you just aren’t thinking about anything? like your mind is blank and you’re just empty. Or I seem to have one thing or person on my mind, or I’m thinking about crazy stuff that doesn’t make any sense. I become exhausted when giving all my focus to one thing sometimes. I also get exhausted because of the cognitive problems and it’s frustrating as a writer trying to write and it takes so long to remember and figure out how to spell a word.
I’m just here, everyday of my life I am here and don’t really know why. Some may say I’m not living but in this world of troubles and my own prison of pain; I’m living as good as I can.
When I do have those days of awakening; [mind,body,spirit] I treasure those moments because they’re rare. A happy place within myself.
Within the Soul
You have to be mindful of your thoughts, our mind can be a powerful weapon, we have to know how to control it and not let it control us. Just do what you need to do, and keep reminding yourself that God got you. There’s no need to worry because most of the time we worry and we are ready for the worst and we know what could go wrong will, to only find out in the end everything works out. It is alright, speak the best/positive into your mind and world. Speak on the best of what could happen, what you want to happen and take time to relax & breathe. It’s alright you know exactly what you need to do, put more focus on yourself a little bit. Believe in the things that make you smile, laugh and promote the best you. Have faith…
I got some much needed sleep, it felt so good and my body was in a very peaceful state along with my mind. Only thing that I felt today was my arm was sore to touch, felt like my skin was burning or something, I couldn’t let it rub up against anything not even my clothes. Then my left knee, kind of had me walking with a leap but NEVERTHELESS I keep on keeping on. Best of my day was getting sleep.
“The soul always knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind.”
The soul is healed by being with the people you love, it’s just something about it that makes you forget all about your troubles and worries. To just laugh, joke and smile, or even say nothing at all; just being around them by their side it warms your heart and relieves so much of your pain. THE POWER OF LOVE IS AMAZING.