At some point in my life I started looking into my zodiac sign and I am a Libra, which in most ways describe me but in others it doesn’t.
Now I know you must be wondering what am I getting at. Well for most people they have a person they used to be, things they used to do and so forth, someone they would maybe wish they could be again or not. My point in saying this is, I don’t have that. The person I am is all I’ve known all my life. I’ve lived with anxiety since I was a child, so yeah I was never a “social butterfly” I’ve always been on edge, scared and a over thinker. Like I said a lot of things show that it’s natural because of my zodiac sign I’m naturally a over thinker and prone to get depressed at times. Then a few years ago I looked into the Briggs-Myers personality test http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp (here’s a free version an example) and after doing it my results was the INFJ personality. I am an introvert, and again which this information I found out that this type of personality is somewhat rare and very “messed up” I laugh at thinking about it because that’s the best way I can explain it at the moment.
Like others with chronic illnesses I too am good at putting on a smile and being around others, but it makes me exhausted trying to not think about all that I’m feeling in that moment. I could be having fun laughing and such but still thinking about how uncomfortable I am, how much I want to take my clothes off and be back in bed, etc…
This personality also shows signs of anxiety…
Most people say that there illnesses have changed them, which may be true for the most part but for myself, I feel this has always been who I was. The anxiety, depression, fibromyalgia, caused me to become more of this person and of course I do know it has stopped me from becoming or being the person I thought or think I should be. Maybe I am who I’m supposed to be though. It sucks feeling this way but it’s all I know. I’ve always been different from the people around me and always seen things differently. Maybe I was meant to be this way so others around me can be the way they are. Maybe there is no changing me, this is me and I just want to be accepted the way I am and not looked at and made to feel like the person I am is not good enough.
I don’t want to be silent anymore or ashamed of myself. I want to speak out more and let the people around me know how I feel and that looks can be deceiving. Love me or hate me, this is me.
You take the chronic pain away and all the other symptoms and I’m left with the younger self I once knew but still with anxiety. If you take the anxiety away, then I won’t know who you would have because I don’t know that person. I know this could be debatable but I was born a baby with concerns of the world as I looked around. Created from two parents that were depressed. One who suffered from major depression and another who drunk to deal with it. I was born and surrounded by other people sadness, madness and I felt it all, all the emotions. I wasn’t the type of child to sit and play with my toys and block out the world, I watched and it all affected me in some way. I won’t go into detail of things that happened but as a child I should not have been around or known of the things that occurred. My trauma started early and never seemed to come to an end.