We are WildFlowers

Posts tagged ‘Unable to work’

Confession Sunday

Hello WildFlowers

It’s Sunday and I know I should not be worried about tomorrow but I am a bit. Part of me had a plan of calling or going up there to the job and do what I have to do to get it. The other “parts” of me Ms. Anxiety and Ms. Depression along with Queen Fibro, they have caused me to question everything. Friday day I got muscle spasms after using the bathroom. The muscle spasms lasted the rest of the day and night. I thought going to sleep, it would help relax my body, but that didn’t help at all.

Queen Fibro, she’s whispering in my ear making me question if I can really do this. Along with Ms. Anxiety questioning everything that could go wrong. How will I explain all the years I’ve been out of work. Ms. Depression is telling me to just keep working at doing my writing, crocheting or knitting.

I fear reaching out. I told myself I will wait to see if I get a phone call Monday. Hopeful that since I’ve been a assistant manager before despite being out of work for years, I will get a call for an interview.

I regret not printing out my resume but honestly, I don’t really know how much I want this. I’m so conflicted, I need money, I should have money, I fear failing, I fear being fired, I be leaving another job. I’ve done it so much in my past that what will make it different now. I’m older and in more pain now so it’s even harder to want to do it.

I want a career. I don’t want to get stuck at some job. Unlike most people I know I won’t me able to work a job and still focus on trying to build a career. All my focus will go to just trying to do that one job, which isn’t even worth it. It will put a little something in my pocket and keep people off my back about not working. It would hopefully take my guilt away.

The thing is I feel I’m still not doing it for myself despite wanting some money. Money has never been my driving force to anything.

I’m so messed up. I have to stop thinking about this now before I go into a panic attack.

Have a wonderful restful day.

Back At It…getting a job

Hello WildFlowers,

I stepped out of my comfort zone this week. A store I went into were hiring for stocking and I got an application. It’s a small dollar tree store and it really needed help. My mom and I asked if you can just get hired just to stock and they said yes. I’m hoping that this will be the first time, well I take that back the second time I can get hired not to be a cashier. I have most of my experience in retail, also was a assistant manager so I qualify for the job. The only thing is, I haven’t worked in years. I know I don’t want to handle the stress of being a cashier but being on the floor and organizing things is the part I always enjoyed.

Plus dealing with the symptoms of fibromyalgia a lot has changed with myself. Also my anxiety had gotten worse, so it’s a big step for me to have taken the application back yesterday. I drove myself, which is a big deal now. I have to wait until Monday and I will see what happens.

At least I’m making an attempt.

I just want to do something that won’t be too much stress on me and can give me a income to contribute, so I won’t feel like a waste of space or at least put a little money in my pocket.

Edge of the Cliff

Hi, WildFlowers

Hope you all are feeling better than me today. Today I feel so sad, crying and I’m tired. I’m tired and I haven’t even done anything. I don’t even feel like trying to explain what I’m feeling in my body right now. All day long. It’s been a tough few months. Day after day. When the new day starts I’m woke, when the day is moving along I am still, in bed trying to get sleep. By night fall I’m wide awoke again most of the time. There are times that I stay up and try to keep myself busy but with the proper rest, I feel sick.

I feel like nothing I eat or drink agrees with me. To be honest I really don’t want to eat anymore. I try to go as long as I can and not eat. I’m tried of drinking and going to the bathroom. I guess I’m just tried of what is called my life.

One of the most frustrating things are, when you’ve told your family and friends you have fibromyalgia, you have told them all the symptoms even printed them out for them to see and read. Constantly talking about it and explaining. Then when you don’t feel well and they ask what’s wrong, you tell them what you’re feeling and they ask you why are you feeling that way or what did you do. Oh how crazy it is you feel that way etc…

In that moment I feel as if no one cares and of course no one understands. The crap just happens and I don’t know why. It’s like they don’t care to keep that information in their head of What fibromyalgia does to someone. They have no clue.

No one wants to hear about how I feel but then they tell me about their aches and pains as if their pain is more relevant than mine. Don’t forget about the age. People older feel they have a right to feel the way they do and wonder what’s my reason or how, why, would be aching and joints popping, I’m too young to be feeling that way etc…

What Do You Do

August 4, 2014

What Do You Do?

I dislike this question because I yet have figured out an answer.
What do people want to hear, I ask myself every time someone ask me what I do. I don’t have some special career to tell them about. I didn’t go to college, and the technical college I went to I did not finish, but still owe student loans.
I have worked nine different jobs, been a assistant manger, yet the fact that I’m not working now bothers other people. They don’t have to pay my bills and I’m not asking them for anything, but they have so much to say about my life of what I’m doing and not doing.
Many speak of me not having money to buy myself things or do what I want, but I am not materialistic.

adjective: materialistic
excessively concerned with material possessions; money-oriented.
“we’re living in a highly materialistic society”
synonyms: consumerist, acquisitive, greedy.

Many have something to say about my reasons and they compare there body aches and pains to mine. They say they feel this and that but still have to do what they do. But they fail to realize I am doing what I need to do; for myself. I have a list of problems and all the money in the world isn’t going to solve them. Everything is a temporary fix, no matter what I do, it’s solely up to me to fight my battle the way I need to fight it.

Everyone has there own reasons and wants for what and why they do things. People work because there is no other choice, or they enjoy what they do, they love money, they have a family to support etc… My point is; I have another choice at the moment and I’m trying to feel better and not work myself into an early grave. We all have things we are good at, and working on someone’s else’s time has never been my forte. I march to the beat of my own drum.
Heart related illnesses runs strong in my family, I have high blood pressure and my anxiety I think makes my heart rate worse, I checked my BP last night and it was 166/118 pulse 94, this is on a every day mostly and sometimes can get higher. And along with Chronic fatigue and Fibromyalgia and all the symptoms that come along with that, I AM NOT BEING LAZY! I’m just trying to make it through to the next day.

I want to be able to be proud to answer the question by saying I’m a writer, but of course people then want to know what money have you made from it. ITS NOT ABOUT THE MONEY! I may not have a career job writing for a magazine or network or anything like that but I enjoy it, and believe its a gift God has given me.

To say I am a writer, but I don’t have a job; that makes me sad. But I can’t allow others opinions to worry me and stress me out. Just maybe I’m not the one with the flaw, they are.


Living and Surviving

July 1, 2014

Living and Surviving

When it rains; it pours. It’s been a tough time theses last couple of months. When there’s only one person working in a household and there is a drop in the income, it’s nothing you can do but downsize.

Living with a illness that affects your mind and body it’s hard to live with but even harder trying to survive. I don’t know where I would be or what I would do without my husband being a provider for the both of us. He understands but I feel worthless, I have applied to some jobs but no luck. I’ve been out of work for years and I really don’t know if my health is getting any better. I just want to live but how can one live; if you’re working to survive.

My husbands working a full time and part time job, so to make up for the lost income but now it’s too late and we have to move from where we are and owning money here at a apartment is stopping us from renting somewhere else. We have a hopeful choice that we’re waiting to hear back from, so I pray we can get it.

Times like this makes me wish I had some big time career and making enough money to handle situations like this. I don’t even have disability, and can’t waste time on that because I don’t even have a doctor. What good am I?

But as husband and wife we ate in this together, but I’m tired of trying to survive; I want to live.

Father God we need a miracle, please help us out of this hole we are in. You have always provided us with sheather, allow someone to be a true blessing to us. I pray to you today Lord because every blessing that has come our way has turned on us and is not an option any longer. Please help us figure this all out God in Jesus name Amen.

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