We are WildFlowers

The Root of It All

How long did it take you to figure out what to change in your life to help make you feel better?

I am still on the journey of trying to figure out what to eat, what not to eat. How does my body react to things. I’m lost and I can’t keep track. Every time I think I know, I don’t really have it. That alone is exhausting.

Being in so much discomfort and pain. You don’t want to take away everything you love. I want to be able to have those things that just make me happy, but I don’t know if those things are keeping me from being stuck in this never ending cycle.

Lately I’ve been so stressed which is not good. Random things keep happening as they always do but I’m never ready or looking forward to. For example: I’m sitting up in bed legs crisscrossed “indian style” I unfold them and notice my right foot is going numb, like it’s fallen asleep it’s tingling. Within seconds of me noticing that the same feeling moves up my entire leg and thigh. I’m freaking out because it feels weird, uncomfortable and I don’t know what’s about to happen next. What if I lose all feeing or can’t walk. I took off whatever clothing I had on just to feel free and I laid back and tried to relax. The feeling goes away at some point but I’ve never had that feeling go up my leg like that and especially with me just sitting on the bed.

I’m like I have to be mindful of so much that I do and that is one reason why I choose not to go to every family event of go everywhere in general because I’m just concerned of what or how my body may react to be being out.

Right now I have a toe that had been bothering me since yesterday and it feel the bone of the toe or joint hurts.

I’m so exhausted trying to live a life that I feel is trying to kill me. I can’t seem to get much of anything that is important to me done. My hands keep aching, I have to take breaks for that along with the fact I’m not sleeping well so I have to sleep when my body allows me to. Well I should say mind and body allows me to. Mostly by He time I fall asleep and wake up the day is almost over and I’m trying to get in as much as I can before it’s time for me to try and fall asleep again like a “normal” person.

Oh!!! I almost forgot another reason I haven’t been sleeping is because my skin as been itching so bad. I’m feeling things on me, feeing little pricks and stings. I feel like I’m losing my mind. Then seem like every time I get to sleeping really good, I have to get up to pee. 🤦‍♀️ trying to find balance of cold and hot is another struggle.

Of course I could go on and on…. I just don’t know if I will ever have this all figured out.

All I know is keeping negativity away and saying NO when I can’t and don’t want to do something right go somewhere. Making myself laugh more and putting time and energy into myself.

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Heal Thyself

www.netflix.com/title/80220013

I haven’t posted anything in a long time. I haven’t even wrote much at all. It’s been difficult trying to document how I feel let alone try to be inspiring for someone else.

I’m going my 12th year of living life with fibromyalgia. I don’t know how I feel, I’m kind of numb to it all. So many different things are weighing me down and nowadays I just want to be left alone.

On a more positive note, I’ve been knitting and crocheting more and my skill level has really improved. It’s become a thing that keeps my mind focused. I knit way more than I crochet but nothing is better than being able to get some cool new yarn and create something.

Today is also Mother’s Day. I’m not a mother but I’m here alone enjoying time to myself. I kind of hate I missed out on today because it could’ve been fun, I decided I would celebrate with my mom tomorrow maybe but today I decided to choose me for change and take time to relax and be with my thoughts. It feels good to not have anxiety kicking my butt for a change. Even though I know it’s still there waiting to make me uncomfortable.

I hope you all who are moms are enjoying this day. Happy Mother’s Day and Fibromyalgia Awareness Day.

Season of Change

Hello Wildflowers,

I hope that you all woke up in a good spirit today.

I woke up this morning with a new state of mind about myself. Knowing what you have to do for yourself is only one small part of the battle, maybe even the easiest part. Actually putting it into action is tough for some.

“Knowing what you have to do for yourself is only half the battle.”

This morning I got up and I moved. Not just that slow pace to the bathroom move. I really got up and moved. I had to shake it off so to speak. I did squats, high knees and some arm exercises. I don’t have any weights so I used a bottle of Gain detergent, that is 100 oz. roughly about 7lbs. Even though I’ve done a little bit here and there, I’ve done exercises that have left me in serious pain. Today I woke up different and today these exercises meant more to me and I felt I was doing it right this morning. I am proud of myself.

I am sorry for anyone who woke up this morning in any pain or having negative thoughts or you are having trouble. If anyone is going to a flare, I know how it is. I just want to share my moment of feeling good with you all in hopes that it inspires someone else.

I will enjoy this day and not focus on tomorrow until it is here. I can’t promise myself because it would only turn into a lie (maybe) I never know how or if I will wake the next day, so I will set a small goal.

In hopes that I reach this goal every day. That goal is to have a positive thought(s) when I wake up.

It won’t be easy but I will continue to try.

“Wake up with a positive thought every morning.”

Body Parts

If only we could remove what was hurting us, some would be nothing but a much of body parts.

Wanting to remove my left leg and thigh from my body like a doll. Aching right where the thigh connects to the hip. Aching and stiffness in leg, down to my foot that keeps having a sharp pain, cramping and aching. I forgot about aching in my knee.

As I sit here trying to explain, it’s difficult thinking about all the different aches I’m feeling right now. It makes me sad to focus on it, even though I’m feeling it and can’t stop thinking about it because I can’t help but feel it. It has not gotten in easier trying to explain to someone how I feel.

How do you sum it up into a few words?

I go through moods of wanting to tell people how I’m feeling but feel as if I’m complaining and rather not share.

This Time Last Year

(how I felt last year in March 2018)

I’m ok but I’m not good. Yesterday, I had muscle spasms/cramps in my body. This was the first time I felt this in my chest (like that) It hurt as I walked it tighten. Also felt it in my back, down my legs as I walked. It took my breath away and at that moment I felt so alone. No one knows what I’m feeling, even if they do know, no one understands, there’s nothing anyone can do. No one really knows what to say to me. It was so bad yesterday that my husband walked with me to the mailbox. As I took my time, holding onto his hand. I thought to myself, omg, I cant end up like this. I’m exhausted, it’s so much random shit. Like last night my eyes just began to burn and watered up so bad it was like I was crying. No one will never truly understand me. I have been locked up in a prison of my mind forever, now my body is torturing me. My life has been hell on earth. Some days are difficult.

Now Today:

I am still here and still fighting. Dealing with mostly the stress of life than dealing with pain. Even though I know any stress can cause pain in my body. All of the weather changes of being warm one day then back cold, has bothered me. Also my sleep patterns have been off. Not sleeping well is enough on it’s on but feeling sharp pain off and on in a leg or foot or anywhere, randomly, makes it difficult to fall asleep. I’m feeling sharp pain in my left foot right now as I type this. By the way it’s 2:35 am and I have no idea when I will fall asleep.

Invisible illness

Hello WildFlowers,

When explaining an invisible illness it can be difficult to put it in terms that can clearly be understood. Many may say they understand but they truly have no idea.

Unless you live it, you don’t get it.

Even people who live it don’t fully understand each other because each illness affects everyone differently.

Treatments that help some may not help others.

When you live with someone who is suffering you see a up close and personal view of the struggles and you neither educate yourself and be supportive or get frustrated and make the person feel even worse. It’s a difficult life to live especially when you’re still young and people look at you and don’t see sick, they see you as being healthy.

If you’re not dying or on a boat load of medication/prescription drugs they don’t believe anything’s wrong with you. When you are trying to conserve your energy and you’ve changed your life to work for you, they think you’re lazy. Think you’ve given up or not trying hard enough to get better.

People tend to not except my truth, they think it’s bullshit and I’m full of excuses.

People will never see me on the outside as I feel on the inside. They will never believe me until it’s too late.

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