365 Days of Fibromyalgia

Pounding Heart

https://anxietyallthetime.wordpress.com/2017/06/03/pounding-heart/

No Matter How I Feel 

No matter how I feel, I seem not to be doing that bad in the eyes of others. 

“Oh you’re be alright.” 

It is sad and frustrating that I realized tonight, that maybe I’m doing exactly what I’m meant to do. Even though I feel I’m not doing enough, or not doing what others want me to do. I’m not doing anything that pays out enough money for me to survive. 

“You do it so well.”

My mom is sick, upper respiratory infection. She has this really bad cough and a wheezing. Already been to the hospital and got prescriptions filled so I hope she will feel better sooner than later. I don’t feel good myself. I started coughing yesterday and I couldn’t believe it. I have never or I can’t remember ever having a cough like I have right now. Along with my period being on, I feel like crap and I’m trying not to be emotional. 
My mom asked me if I would fix your something to eat and get her something else to drink. Deep down I wanted to say no I don’t feel like it but I didn’t. I went and got it done. I started to cry because I realized that no matter how I feel, this is what I do.

 

The things I do, if I didn’t do these things, who would? 


Then I realized if I didn’t have my husband right now making the income, then I would have to do that as well, along with the things I already do. Of course I would like to think I would not have to, but it wouldn’t matter. No one would care I worked 8 hours or how much. It would be sayings like, “You younger than me.” Etc… 
No one cares how I feel. I will be alright and I don’t do anything anyways right, so I shouldn’t be tired. 
If I could just disappear when I feel like this, that would be nice. 

Anxiety & Depression 

I know everyone story is different on how we became apart of this mental health illness movement. Mine started way before I even knew it would impact my life the way it has. 

I knew about depression before I could walk or talk. I know you may be wondering what I mean, let me explain. When I was born my mom suffered with major depression and thinking back now I feel I was already depressed before I knew what it meant to be that. I remember the sadness I used to feel and how many times I cried myself to sleep. With that being said depression is not what kept me from doing things first, that brings me to anxiety. 

My first experience of anxiety was at a sleepover, I was so embarrassed. I started crying and freaking out. The other girls were concerned about me and not knowing what to do. I have been fighting this battle my entire life. 

Later on in life about 16, 17, the depression really kicked in when I really felt it. I had to admit to myself I was depressed and this isn’t just a teenage moment that will pass. I remember not being able to force myself to get up. Not wanting to do anything but sleep. I had started my first job and was working my butt off and having like one or two days off was not enough, I was exhausted and unhappy about where my life was heading and if that job was even worth it. 

Present Day: I had a tough night last night and today. The depression was full blast. After years of this though, I am able to work pass it more quickly now but it is not easy. 

Writing this right now is one way I am dealing with it. I want people to be aware of the reality of it all. Anxiety and Depression is very real and it affects so many even many who don’t even know that is what’s wrong or not willing to admit to themselves that is what it is. 

I spent years telling myself that is not me and I can change. Now it is apart of me and I can not change myself but I can change how I manage and deal with it. 

It always helps me when I can get my mind focused on something else other than my negative thoughts about myself. I am able to laugh tonight and even though I didn’t want to talk I wasn’t able to close myself off from everyone, and that is a good thing. 

With depression, when you don’t want to be around anyone. That is when you need to spend time with others the most. Not just anyone though. The right person or right people will have you feeling on top of the world but the wrong one will have you deeper in the dark. 

To add the pain from fibromyalgia I am exhausted and it’s amazing that I have kept it together this well. Inside I am screaming. 

Some days I break into pieces but unlike humpy-dumpy, I am able to put myself back together again. 

-Kerra Melissa Pridgen 


STAY STRONG 

Crocheted Earrings 

Here’s some of my work

Kerralissa Crocheted Creations

I love beanie hats and I can wear them all year long.
Here’s so photos of the hats I create and sale.

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