I haven’t posted anything in a long time. I haven’t even wrote much at all. It’s been difficult trying to document how I feel let alone try to be inspiring for someone else.
I’m going my 12th year of living life with fibromyalgia. I don’t know how I feel, I’m kind of numb to it all. So many different things are weighing me down and nowadays I just want to be left alone.
On a more positive note, I’ve been knitting and crocheting more and my skill level has really improved. It’s become a thing that keeps my mind focused. I knit way more than I crochet but nothing is better than being able to get some cool new yarn and create something.
Today is also Mother’s Day. I’m not a mother but I’m here alone enjoying time to myself. I kind of hate I missed out on today because it could’ve been fun, I decided I would celebrate with my mom tomorrow maybe but today I decided to choose me for change and take time to relax and be with my thoughts. It feels good to not have anxiety kicking my butt for a change. Even though I know it’s still there waiting to make me uncomfortable.
I hope you all who are moms are enjoying this day. Happy Mother’s Day and Fibromyalgia Awareness Day.
I hope that you all woke up in a good spirit today.
I woke up this morning with a new state of mind about myself. Knowing what you have to do for yourself is only one small part of the battle, maybe even the easiest part. Actually putting it into action is tough for some.
“Knowing what you have to do for yourself is only half the battle.”
This morning I got up and I moved. Not just that slow pace to the bathroom move. I really got up and moved. I had to shake it off so to speak. I did squats, high knees and some arm exercises. I don’t have any weights so I used a bottle of Gain detergent, that is 100 oz. roughly about 7lbs. Even though I’ve done a little bit here and there, I’ve done exercises that have left me in serious pain. Today I woke up different and today these exercises meant more to me and I felt I was doing it right this morning. I am proud of myself.
I am sorry for anyone who woke up this morning in any pain or having negative thoughts or you are having trouble. If anyone is going to a flare, I know how it is. I just want to share my moment of feeling good with you all in hopes that it inspires someone else.
I will enjoy this day and not focus on tomorrow until it is here. I can’t promise myself because it would only turn into a lie (maybe) I never know how or if I will wake the next day, so I will set a small goal.
In hopes that I reach this goal every day. That goal is to have a positive thought(s) when I wake up.
It won’t be easy but I will continue to try.
“Wake up with a positive thought every morning.”
If only we could remove what was hurting us, some would be nothing but a much of body parts.
Wanting to remove my left leg and thigh from my body like a doll. Aching right where the thigh connects to the hip. Aching and stiffness in leg, down to my foot that keeps having a sharp pain, cramping and aching. I forgot about aching in my knee.
As I sit here trying to explain, it’s difficult thinking about all the different aches I’m feeling right now. It makes me sad to focus on it, even though I’m feeling it and can’t stop thinking about it because I can’t help but feel it. It has not gotten in easier trying to explain to someone how I feel.
How do you sum it up into a few words?
I go through moods of wanting to tell people how I’m feeling but feel as if I’m complaining and rather not share.
(how I felt last year in March 2018)
I’m ok but I’m not good. Yesterday, I had muscle spasms/cramps in my body. This was the first time I felt this in my chest (like that) It hurt as I walked it tighten. Also felt it in my back, down my legs as I walked. It took my breath away and at that moment I felt so alone. No one knows what I’m feeling, even if they do know, no one understands, there’s nothing anyone can do. No one really knows what to say to me. It was so bad yesterday that my husband walked with me to the mailbox. As I took my time, holding onto his hand. I thought to myself, omg, I cant end up like this. I’m exhausted, it’s so much random shit. Like last night my eyes just began to burn and watered up so bad it was like I was crying. No one will never truly understand me. I have been locked up in a prison of my mind forever, now my body is torturing me. My life has been hell on earth. Some days are difficult.
I am still here and still fighting. Dealing with mostly the stress of life than dealing with pain. Even though I know any stress can cause pain in my body. All of the weather changes of being warm one day then back cold, has bothered me. Also my sleep patterns have been off. Not sleeping well is enough on it’s on but feeling sharp pain off and on in a leg or foot or anywhere, randomly, makes it difficult to fall asleep. I’m feeling sharp pain in my left foot right now as I type this. By the way it’s 2:35 am and I have no idea when I will fall asleep.
When explaining an invisible illness it can be difficult to put it in terms that can clearly be understood. Many may say they understand but they truly have no idea.
Unless you live it, you don’t get it.
Even people who live it don’t fully understand each other because each illness affects everyone differently.
Treatments that help some may not help others.
When you live with someone who is suffering you see a up close and personal view of the struggles and you neither educate yourself and be supportive or get frustrated and make the person feel even worse. It’s a difficult life to live especially when you’re still young and people look at you and don’t see sick, they see you as being healthy.
If you’re not dying or on a boat load of medication/prescription drugs they don’t believe anything’s wrong with you. When you are trying to conserve your energy and you’ve changed your life to work for you, they think you’re lazy. Think you’ve given up or not trying hard enough to get better.
People tend to not except my truth, they think it’s bullshit and I’m full of excuses.
People will never see me on the outside as I feel on the inside. They will never believe me until it’s too late.
I woke up Monday morning with my right thumb hurting. I’m right handed and I use my hands a lot. The one thing I’ve been doing mostly that brought on this pain in my thumb is knitting.
This pain was new to me. I found myself trying to figure out if it was Carpal tunnel syndrome or early signs of Rheumatoid arthritis. Could it just be inflammation?
All my issues have been with my legs down to my feet. That alone was having me worry. I’ve had some issues with my hands before in the past but it has been in my fingers. To have it move to my thumb now was just, I don’t know, something else to add to the list.
The first time I had an terrible experience with my hands was with carrying a basket of clothes. I was at a apartment complex, no car, so I carried it from the apartment to the laundry building which wasn’t that far but wasn’t right around the corner either. I got inside the building and placed the basket down. Once I put it down I realize my fingers are stuck, curved in the position they were in when holding onto the basket. I start to panic a bit but luckily my husband was with me at the time. As soon as he walked in I was like, “I can’t unbend my fingers, my hands are stuck. Help me get them unstuck.”
My husband grabbed my hands one by one and kind of massaged them and they started to relax and I could move them again. I was so thankful that he was with me that day because I have no idea how long I would’ve been like that if I was alone, because I would’ve been freaking completely out and unable to relax.
That moment scared me and I knew my life was going to be full of these surprises forever now. The older I get I feel the less control I have of it.