Body Parts

If only we could remove what was hurting us, some would be nothing but a much of body parts.

Wanting to remove my left leg and thigh from my body like a doll. Aching right where the thigh connects to the hip. Aching and stiffness in leg, down to my foot that keeps having a sharp pain, cramping and aching. I forgot about aching in my knee.

As I sit here trying to explain, it’s difficult thinking about all the different aches I’m feeling right now. It makes me sad to focus on it, even though I’m feeling it and can’t stop thinking about it because I can’t help but feel it. It has not gotten in easier trying to explain to someone how I feel.

How do you sum it up into a few words?

I go through moods of wanting to tell people how I’m feeling but feel as if I’m complaining and rather not share.

What the Joint?

Hello Wildflowers,

I woke up Monday morning with my right thumb hurting. I’m right handed and I use my hands a lot. The one thing I’ve been doing mostly that brought on this pain in my thumb is knitting.

This pain was new to me. I found myself trying to figure out if it was Carpal tunnel syndrome or early signs of Rheumatoid arthritis. Could it just be inflammation?

All my issues have been with my legs down to my feet. That alone was having me worry. I’ve had some issues with my hands before in the past but it has been in my fingers. To have it move to my thumb now was just, I don’t know, something else to add to the list.

The first time I had an terrible experience with my hands was with carrying a basket of clothes. I was at a apartment complex, no car, so I carried it from the apartment to the laundry building which wasn’t that far but wasn’t right around the corner either. I got inside the building and placed the basket down. Once I put it down I realize my fingers are stuck, curved in the position they were in when holding onto the basket. I start to panic a bit but luckily my husband was with me at the time. As soon as he walked in I was like, “I can’t unbend my fingers, my hands are stuck. Help me get them unstuck.”

My husband grabbed my hands one by one and kind of massaged them and they started to relax and I could move them again. I was so thankful that he was with me that day because I have no idea how long I would’ve been like that if I was alone, because I would’ve been freaking completely out and unable to relax.

That moment scared me and I knew my life was going to be full of these surprises forever now. The older I get I feel the less control I have of it.

When Will it End

Hello, WildFlowers

I hope that you all are feeling better than I am today.

I am just coming down from having a cold. Still dealing with that a bit. Dealing with phlegm in my throat causing me to gag and be nauseous. The other day my back starts hurting. I feel the pain when I cough mostly. Also I’ve been feeling dizziness, spinning kind of feeling since the 3rd.

Today has been so weird for me. I’ve gotten used to my body doing unexplainable things but today seemed new and different. Woke up around, I can’t even remember now what time it was. Anyways, I’m sitting up on the bed and my legs are getting that “falling asleep” feeling. Almost feeling numb and not the first time this has happened maybe the second. Then lying back down I still feel this way. In my legs down to my toes.

I also feel trembling in my body which is nothing new. Heart is racing and I’m used to that, I’m trying to calm down. Try to relax but I can’t. The only other thing to do than nothing is sleeping. I can’t relax enough to even close my eyes. I hadn’t ate all day and it’s around 6pm. So with no one to ask I have to just get up and do this myself. I make a salad and as I stand things don’t feel right at all. My hands are literally trembling. I haven’t felt trembling in my hands like this before. Holding something, I could feel it shaking. If I didn’t focus on holding it and hurry to put it down I may dropped everything I was carrying.

I didn’t feel right eating but it made the trembling stop a bit. I drunk some ginger ale and then continued to sip on water.

I spoke to my mom to tell her how I was feeling just in case. When I began to talk I noticed I felt like I almost could get my words out. That freaked me out for sure, almost started to cry but held back my tears.

Ive been so worried about getting the flu, hearing about the death count on the news has me freaking out. I worried about having a stroke or heart attack. It’s crazy. I’m trying not to make myself worse with worrying. The weather keeps changing outside. Due to the fact I live in my aunt house right now, I don’t have control over the temperature in the house. It’s an older house so I’m sure the air flow in here isn’t that great. I’m always feeling as if I’m suffocating. Hot, cold, cold, hot is what I deal with.

It’s now going on 8:30pm and I still feel numbness in my toes. Aching in my legs. It’s crazy I feel like my entire body feels like a numbness, or heaviness.

Of course having anxiety, is making it that much more difficult to relax. I’m doing my best. I’m about to survive another day though.

Peace & Love.

Edge of the Cliff

Hi, WildFlowers

Hope you all are feeling better than me today. Today I feel so sad, crying and I’m tired. I’m tired and I haven’t even done anything. I don’t even feel like trying to explain what I’m feeling in my body right now. All day long. It’s been a tough few months. Day after day. When the new day starts I’m woke, when the day is moving along I am still, in bed trying to get sleep. By night fall I’m wide awoke again most of the time. There are times that I stay up and try to keep myself busy but with the proper rest, I feel sick.

I feel like nothing I eat or drink agrees with me. To be honest I really don’t want to eat anymore. I try to go as long as I can and not eat. I’m tried of drinking and going to the bathroom. I guess I’m just tried of what is called my life.

One of the most frustrating things are, when you’ve told your family and friends you have fibromyalgia, you have told them all the symptoms even printed them out for them to see and read. Constantly talking about it and explaining. Then when you don’t feel well and they ask what’s wrong, you tell them what you’re feeling and they ask you why are you feeling that way or what did you do. Oh how crazy it is you feel that way etc…

In that moment I feel as if no one cares and of course no one understands. The crap just happens and I don’t know why. It’s like they don’t care to keep that information in their head of What fibromyalgia does to someone. They have no clue.

No one wants to hear about how I feel but then they tell me about their aches and pains as if their pain is more relevant than mine. Don’t forget about the age. People older feel they have a right to feel the way they do and wonder what’s my reason or how, why, would be aching and joints popping, I’m too young to be feeling that way etc…

Failure at Life

It’s a little after five in the morning and I been up since yesterday, I can’t sleep. I’m crying still thinking of things said to me yesterday. 

I’m going to move on from it but it will always remain with me as a weight on my back. 

No one understands me and they all think they know me, it’s laughable. 

Here’s some things said to me yesterday by my mother, FYI she has major depression sees a therapist and psychologist and takes prescription drugs for it among other things. 

The first statement was said to me after she asked me a question but knew i was about to get started up and she wanted to stop me. This happens a lot because she can’t handle my truth and the way I see things and she doesn’t like when I remind her of my childhood. Yes she did the very best she could but she fails to realize I did my very best as well and that’s what I continue to do, my best without having a nervous breakdown and ending up being admitted into a hospital. 

“No I’m sorry I asked. Nope, I don’t want to hear what you have to say. I know whatever you’re about to say is going to be stupid.” 

These statements were said when I explained how I don’t agree with taking drugs. As if I’m going to pop a pill and it’s going to motivate me to want to live in this world. As if it’s going to make me a entirely different person. It’s going to make me look at life so much better and I’m going to be so happy and nothing will ever bother me or worry me again. 

“So when are you going to fix yourself?” 

“When are you going to get help?” 

This statement here I didn’t even understand. I guess life and living is about money. If I was working no matter how much I make, no matter how I feel, it would make people look at me as a better person. 

“It’s not that you’re unimportant, it’s that you don’t stay at a job for very long.” 

I’ve worked many jobs, longest time was eleven months. Every job I worked extremely hard, gave it my all. Mostly retail jobs but also some working with food. The most I ever got paid an hour was $9.50. Still living at home at the time I had to help pay bills. So it was impossible for me to save anything. I didn’t see how I would ever get enough money to get my own car or my own place to stay. I remember my mom told me that I wouldn’t be able to make it on my own or afford it. I only got praised when I was doing what I was told or she was in a loving, caring mood. 

Growing up life for me became more difficult every day. 

She hates when I say, “Well you wanted to have kids.” Or “I didn’t ask to be born.” 

I think it’s wrong for people to become parents and think that them doing what they think is the best they could do is good enough and after 18 years old sometimes sooner, that now it’s the child who has to figure out life from there. Being told “I didn’t have anyone to tell me how to do things or explain it to me. I had to figure it out on my own.” 

Wow, it’s just wrong. At some point the chain has to be broken. I love my mom so much but she should not have had me. I should not be here. 

I believe when I was born, both my parents were depressed and it got worst. My entire life I have been trying to fix myself. I’ve been trying to fit in. I’ve been trying to live as others do. My entire life I have not wanted to be here. 

I apologize for being a disappointment and not trying hard enough. Not being able to be someone who they can brag about. 

It’s not that I’m lazy I just can’t handle all the stress in the world. Stress of working and stress at home it is just too much for me. It’s not that I want someone to support me it’s just I’m already working overtime tending to my mind, body and soul. The sad part is I believe I’m failing at that as well. 

Life Changer

Today I read a message that was sent to me and it like many others I’ve received. It’s full of hope about being “cured” about making life better, having a life without pain. The funny thing is I’m not in pain right now as I’m writing this but like any other day that could change at any moment. I wanted to share the message with you all and share my response. I hope I do not offend the person who sent me the message but I dislike people who send me messages of wanting to talk to me about something that will fix me, as if I’m broken. Well they stated that it’s something that will give me my life back. The one problem with that is unlike others, this is the only life I’ve known. It hasn’t been any better or any worst. It just is what it is. Everyone with or without a chronic illness will have good and bad days, they will also want to vent or complain a bit. My life is what it is and even with chronic pain I don’t know what I would be doing differently. My pain isn’t what has stopped me, many other factors in my life have kept me from succeeding. I was on a downward spiral on an never ending roller-coaster and fibromyalgia forced me to stop and examine my life and realize I had many habits that needed to stop. My pain is a wake up call, a reminder of I’m still not the person I should be. 

If mentally I’m the same person and I spend money to buy any and everything that could make me feel better, for how long will it work? Won’t I become depended on it? What happens if I can’t get it anymore? 

I may not always be smiling and hopeful for my down days don’t last as long as they used too. Mentally I’m much stronger now than I’ve ever been. My body is forcing me to make changes but I want to be able to find a way that doesn’t have me buying some special kind of product regardless if it’s “healthy” or “natural” I have a long way to go. Financially I want to start with the basics such as the food I eat, getting enough sleep and being as active as I can. Until I’m able to get those things under control I’m not wasting money. I need free solutions for my life. I know many will argue that it’s worth it but I don’t agree. I want to just be able to buy fresh vegetables or grow my own and eat without worrying that it’s going to make me sick. I want to be able to have a drug-free life. I made it to age 33 I think I can make it many more years. (Just how I feel about my life) 

Message Sent:  “HI Melissa, How are you going? I kind of feel like that is a silly question as I just read your current blog (from the 10th). I wanted to connect as I have a large circle of people around me with Fibromyalgia and we have found something that has given them their lives back. Sounds crazy and impossible, I know! They all think the same things 😂 If you would like to connect, and learn more, please feel free to get in contact with me. I would love to skype/face time and find out more about you. Take care.”

My response: Hi, financially I can not buy anything to try in hopes it will magically make me feel better. The difference from me and others is, other people had a life they loved before fibromyalgia and have a point that they wish to get back to. Since I was young I’ve lived with anxiety and depression and the fibromyalgia came later, which I feel I maybe always had. I don’t have a life to get back. I just have the life that I live. I’m still here and still going, I don’t look at my pain as a life stopper, I feel it’s been a life changer for the better. It sucks and it is very painful at times but I don’t like being told that there is some fix all product. If there is why be so secret about it. Give me something to post and let everyone know about this wonderful thing that will give them there lives back. Thank you take care. 

Find Your Comfort

Always remember that Jesus himself went through pain. He had been where you are and been through more pain than you could endure, ten times over. You Your never alone in this journey. I know it’s not easy and you want to give up but you must keep going. As long as you are waken up or maybe you never went to sleep, as long as you still have breath inside you; you must keep going. Your pain is not the end, your pain is an eye opener. 

Like Paul some of us are reminded every day that we are in constant pain and some of us can find the positive outlook on it, while others see it has a curse/touture. 

Mentally you must be strong, even when your body is weak, fore when the body is weak so can it trigger negative thoughts that cause you to fall right into all the discomforts in life. 

You must Find Your Comfort in the pain. Don’t just live with it and accept it, you must continue to find the root of it all. Is your pain as is the thorn in Paul? Are you accepting it to better yourself? Or have you accepted that your life was meant to be full of pain? 

Better yourself, your life, the smallest to the largest of things that need working on. This is the time to face truths that you’ve been lying to yourself about for years. What is God trying to change about you? Or in you/your life? 

Find Your Comfort… if it’s in your pajamas, then you proudly wear them and don’t feel guilty or worry about what others think. You have to think of yourself now. You are the one enduring the pain, not them. True friends and family that truly love you, will be right by your side and won’t judge you. Anyone who looks down on you, is not for you. Keep people around that allow you to feel peace, happiness and tranquility. 

Most importantly have people around you that motivate you to be a better you. Remember that you won’t see a difference unless you try. The pain may be there always, so if you’re going to hurt anyways, you might as well do what you enjoy. At least then you have a reason to why you’re in pain. Find Your Comfort. 

Unresolved Issues

  

I haven’t been feeling well for days maybe even a week. Which I’m never 100% well but I can have days better than most. So what I’m saying is my days lately have not been good. 

I am so irritated and frustrated about life. I want to cry but I’m holding in tears. I want to talk but I don’t know what to say, I can’t explain how I’m feeling. I am full of doubt about who what’s to even listen to me go on and on about things that may be unimportant. I what to talk about my past and how I got to this point in my life. I want to explain why I am the way I am, why I think the way I do. At times it seems so very clear as you why, then some days I have no clue. 

I woke up on this first day of March in pain. I know you may think, well that’s nothing new…right it’s not…but what I was feeling was new. Intense cramps in my stomach and I have no idea why, I just know it hurt. Not having any clue if they would let up, I was about to go into panic mode. Luckily I was able to keep a level head and relax enough that they seem to ease away. I feel like this won’t be the last of it today but at least for a moment I have some relief. 

I don’t know if I’m experiencing a flare that is building up or what. Everyday it’s been something new. One night my left leg ached and all night I had trouble sleeping because it was sore, stiff, numbing type of feeling going on with it. My leg ached all of the next day and so on. Today it seems alright but of course it does because of the other pain my feeling. 

Today my entire body aches and both legs seem stiff/tight. I feel tense and parts are sore to touch. Like my left arm is sore been that way for days now. If I was to get poked, punched or anything in my arm right now I would burst out into tears. 

If it’s not one thing it’s another. 

I had got to the point where I’ve tried to stop telling the people I love how I really feel. You know it seems to bring them down and they feel bad for not being able to help or “take my pain away.” But I have been thinking… I kind of need to talk about it and it is important. I want at least one person I love to know the “real” me. How I feel, how I think, wants, needs and dreams. I think so many have there own views about me and think they know me, but they only know of me. They know as much as they are willing to pay attention to me, hear and listen to me. Also whatever they are willing to remember of what I tell them. 

I feel so unresolved and so much I don’t have closure from. It weighs heavy on me and it has turned into stress which is causing me to be sick. I have 31 years yes my entire life even as a baby, of unresolved issues. Issues that built up over the years and never got better in adulthood. 

I know how I would love my life to be but it may never be that. I can’t seem to have it all, so I just deal with whatever. No, wait I seem to have all pain, and I take that pain everyday and deal with it. I think about all the times when people have no idea that I’m in the most pain ever and don’t want care about what they’re talking about, don’t care about any event, get together, holiday nor birthday. Don’t care about anything and they think I’m just fine because I’m there, I’m here, I’m alive, I’m existing, I laugh and wear the biggest smile. 

I could go on but I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore. 

Thank you for your time and always thank you for reading. 

My Friend Pain

Feb.23,2:29am-

My Friend Pain

Lying in bed trying to sleep,
I’m feeling pain move all through my body from head to toe.
Sharp pains in my head, even in my legs.
I’m doing my best to stay focus (I promise),  It’s not easy when you’re fighting against yourself.
It’s me against me,
I don’t want to win, just find a balance.
With jumping muscles and limbs going weak, the aching,
burning feeling,
my eyes close from being tired,
head hurting, but they quickly open back up. Mind is blank,
but full; full of all my sadness about yesterday. I isolated myself once again to spend the day and night with pain.
Pain decided to spend the night,
I don’t know if I want to sleep or cry.

Feeling Strong

Feeling Strong.